McBane here. So I missed my Thursday deadline...BLOW ME. Bigger things are afoot.
Look, my INTENT is always to write positive columns, and as a longtime Spurs fan/R.C. Buford apologist, I tend to DEFEND the moves the Spurs make. And I have enjoyed our four titles, make no mistake. But here’s the fucking reality: everyone says “oh, the Spurs are so GREAT, so REVOLUTIONARY at drafting players it makes me want to CUM ALL OVER MY OWN FUCKING FACE BRRAAHH,” but the terrible truth is we have had one (1) useful draft pick THIS ENTIRE FUCKING DECADE (Tony Longoria-Parker).
And yeah, Gregg Popovich fucking HATES coaching young players (I got the goddamn memo), and maybe he only wants guys with a certain attitude. “Worked pretty fucking well for a while, McBane you bastard,” he (and you) might sneer at me, but the thing is, right now everyone on the team is on the wrong side of 30, except for Mr. Longoria-Parker (although in all fairness his wife is far enough on the wrong side for both of them). Maybe someone needs to FUCKING CALL OUT the Spurs, so we can start drafting a little bit better, so we won’t have to fucking fold the franchise when Duncan and Buford and Pop retire simultaneously and go live far, far away in swanky beach houses and sleep blissfully at night on beds made of money while hardcore fans (like me) get FUCKED out of our team with no recourse like what’s happening in Seattle, MMMKAY?
Anyway, about George Hill and why he’s the worst draft pick ever…
5) HE SUCKS
But don’t take my word for it. Let’s hear what Dick Vitale has to say!
“HE PLAYS THE RIGHT WAY BABY AND HE’S AN UPPERCLASSMAN AND HE HAS TONS OF CHARACTER AND HE’S THE KIND OF GUY YOU WANT TO GO TO WAR WITH AND HE’S JUST AN OVERACHIEVER BABY AND HE’S DONE MAXED OUT HIS TALENT AND HE’S ALREADY 22 AND GEE WHIZ I GUESS WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT ALL THAT BABY THAT ONLY MAKES IT EVEN WORSE THAT HE ALREADY SUCKS.”
4) he's a shrimp
Yowza, we got a guy with the size to play and defend one (1) position, which also is the hardest position for rookies to play, which is also the position our one (1) young guy (Parker) plays. Ha ha ha!!! WOO-HAHAHAHAHA!
Oh yeah, everyone also loves to note Hill is 6-2 but has a 6-9 wingspan like I give a flying shit. That’s GREAT, that’s absolutely FANTASTIC, have I mentioned how fucking fantabulously fantastic that is? That’s like having a 6-9 guard with a 6-9 wingspan only oh by the way he’s SEVEN FUCKING INCHES SHORTER. By the way ladies, have I ever mentioned that my penis is three feet long? Yeah, the only thing is, is that it starts right below my Adam’s apple and goes all the way through my body cavity. But the point is, I have a really huge penis. Isn’t that great?
3) you know, Jay Bilas "really, really likes him"
This is (very) bad. Think about it this way: it’s exactly what you DON’T want a chick friend of yours to say after a long pause when she’s supposed to be running wingman (wingwoman? wingperson?) duties for you. Any option is better. You ideally want some innate description of your qualities, like “he’s rich and he’s smart and he always knows which wine to order” or “Jesus, I knew this one girl, I heard he made her cum EIGHT TIMES” or “honey pie, he has a FORTY-THREE-INCH VERTICAL.” Even something like “he’s killed people before and LIKED it” at least makes you sound compelling.
Instead with this line what your friend is basically saying is that “this man has absolutely NO redeemable human qualities and there is absolutely no way in this lifetime you would ever, EVER have sex with the motherfucker. Under ANY circumstances. You could be missing three limbs and be blind in both eyes and you wouldn’t do it. Now, by an extremely unfortunate series of events I have wound up friends with him, but it’s obvious I hold him in such contempt that I can’t even manage to think of ONE (1) semi-neato human quality of his that I can accentuate or even think of ONE (1) lie that would seem reasonable enough to make him seem a tiny bit desirable.”
(Then again, maybe Bilas just has the brain of a second-grade homo. He went to Dook, after all.)
2) HE HAS NO VALUE
Man, I sure feel orgasmically HAPPY knowing there was no one else better at the position that we could have taken, HAHAHA. Not like, say, an isolation-devastation Ginobili-esque disemboweler who showed it’s possible to light up a shitty conference AND still dominate awesome players. (What’s that Chris Douglas-Roberts? Excuse me sir, I’m trying to write a top five list here. I’ll get back to you. Jesus. Just hold on a minute while I wait for him to GET LOST already, cough cough. )
Man that CDR is an annoying prick.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I was saying something like good thing there wasn’t a guy available with a sweet all-around game who’s proven himself to be devastatingly clutch. What’s that, Mario Chalmers? Oh, I’m sorry, you’re from
Okay, got rid of him, whew. Anyway, I was saying something like IT SURE IS A GOOD THING there wasn’t a devastating defensive stopper to replace the decomposing Bruce Bowen, like Luc Richard Mbah A Moute. Man I sure am glad that Mbah A Moute went back to school and wasn’t taken in the second round by Milwaukee (37th pick overall), that would have REALLY been embarrassing for us.
SO, getting back to George Hill…guh, wait a moment, here come some big guys who look like rebounders who can D it up. What’s that, Omer Asik? Ante Tomic? Sorry, I don’t speak Foreigner. Please, no talk to me, go dominate Euro leagues make many many Euros.
Man, I’m sorry, I don’t know what those guys were so worked up about. Like I was saying…George Hill, people! GEORGIE fucking HILL! There was a .0000003 chance
1) HE WENT TO OOOEY-POOEY
Remember how I was talking about reality to start off this post? Here’s some MORE REALITY. I’m a sad, pathetic human. A large part of my job consists of watching college basketball games (as you may have guessed from my offer to work this fishy-sounding “NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP”). My favorite way to unwind from this stressful atmosphere is to go home and (you guessed it) watch more college basketball games. My favorite writer that I love reading recreationally is a guy who writes about mid-majors. It’s not really a stretch to say I KNOW MORE SHIT ABOUT COLLEGE HOOPS THAN ANYONE ON THE PLANET. (By the way, do you know you can watch all streamed Horizon League games online for free? It’s TRUE. We’re talking Valpo vs.
Here’s my point: I KNOW GEORGE HILL. I know him better than you do. I know him better than the Spurs do. I’ve seen the man play more than 99.99999% of
IUPUI, by the way, is a STUPID team in the STUPID Summit League. I fucking know the Summit League too. You want some stupid Summit League facts off the top of my head? No? I’m telling you anyway. I know that
Oh, and I also know that IUPUI stands for Indiana-University-Purdue-University-Indianapolis (what? EXACTLY), and that natives call it “Oooey-Pooey.”
And I also know that it SUCKS.
And so does George Hill.
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6 comments:
The number one thing I took from this is McBane has an inverted penis... The correct term though is called a vagina
To quote Walter in the Big Lebowski, "has the whole world gone fucking crazy!!!" Express-News is reporting cheering from the Spurs FO because Hill, who rumors say was coveted by the Lakers at the fucking 58th pick, managed to fall to them. It is becoming a self fulfilled prophecy with the Spurs, Pop doesn't believe there are impact players in the draft since 2001 and holy shit the Spurs haven't had any influx of youth making an impact since...2001 (well 2002 if you count Manu who was taken in 1999 but that was the last time a Spurs second rounder from Europe has suited up for the Spurs). I could be mistaken but It doesn't even sound like at any point did the Spurs work out Chalmers or CDR...WHY THE FUCK NOT DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE RUDE TO ASK THEM TO COME IN. The Spurs did waste their time working out a guy who scores 7 points per in France, and forward from Cal who fills a roll already taken by another slow white 6-10 forward making 3 million per (sorry Bonner), and of course a guy from a cheesedick conference that makes the Southland look like a powerhouse. And watch the highlights all his shots were set shots against stagnant defense and yet the guy still has a horrible turnover rate. I could go on but I am not going to bag on Hill too much yet, it isn't his fault and I don't expect him to refuse being picked. Can only hope he and Mahinmi do well cause the Spurs really need it next year. So sad....
One more thing I am not suggesting that CDR and Chamlers are going to be stars or that they won't be busts down the road but it seems perfectly reasonable to go with guys who had success and production against elite college basketball competition and tournament play as opposed to someone who didn't.
I'm revoking your fan license because your first reaction to the Spurs drafting Hill was to make a dick joke. I'm just upset because our franchise has never really been safe, and we've never really had lean years, either. That's a VERY dangerous combo.
We barely got the franchise in the first place, and we could have easily been gone some years later if we hadn't landed The Admiral. This is not a town with a lot of money, and after spending a few years in the sink here down the road we could very easily be gone for good - all the possible investors in this town already have an ownership piece in the Spurs, and if they start losing money it's very, very likely they could sell - this is something that has always seemed painfully obvious to me but is something that everyone that everyone seems afraid to acknowledge.
If I'm overreacting, it's just because I want my team to be around. This is my concern, dude.
Also I should say I have absolutely nothing against Hill. He didn't pick himself and by all accounts he's a stand-up guy and a general all-around good person (the Spurs wouldn't pick any other kind). And of course "suckness" is relative. But in the context of being a first-round NBA pick, I think he's just a horrendous miscalculation. I hope he proves me wrong, so I can include it down the road in my list "Top 5 Reasons I'm A Dumbass."
As the resident lifelong White Sox fan I would just like to agree with everything you said. Look at the bright side though, he is American and you can pronounce his name....Popovich is like the hippy friend who has to do everything different for the sake of doing something different. So all his friends are like man c'mon lets go mainstream ONCE and the most he can muster is getting the most obscure fucking mainstream person imaginable. I hear he would have drafted Fred Evans in the third round of the NFL draft....
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