Top 5 Bill Raftery Double Entendres That Prove His Genius

McBane here. Guess what? Sex sells. Sex sells cars. Sex sells booze. Sex sells guns. Sex sells seashells by the seashore. Sex in advertising is so pervasive that we really can’t be bothered to stop to think about it. But should we? Is there something we’re missing? I mean, obviously, some sexual imagery is overt (see above). But often it is not. Let’s think about alcohol, for example: ice cubes don’t photograph (very well). There’s long been debate over whether or not companies make illustrators go out of their way to make implicit suggestive sexual illustrations in the ice cubes they draw: say, an outline of a naked woman, or the word “SEX”, or Miley Cyrus sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch (this last one is speculative).

5) A LITTLE PIROUETTE, AND THEY SAID THIS WAS A BEER TOWN!!!

The jury may be out on whether this is the case, but the thing is, no one seems to think this is a bad business idea, and no one is really outraged by it either. As consumers, we just kind of accept it. Indeed, I bet if most people were running said advertising company, and they had the option of including implicit sexual imagery, they would say “why the heck not? What would it hurt?” Naturally, I understand that you, gentle reader, may be saying: this is disingenuous. Isn’t it, after all, devious to create a desire we didn’t consciously want?

4) BIG ONIONS, AND THERE’S PANTIES ON THE DECK!!!

My advice to you is this: shut up. Look, we all pretty much seem to agree that subliminal sexual advertising very possibly works, and that there’s really nothing we can do to stop it. It makes more sense to take it in another direction: why don’t we ADD sexually implicit messages to things we ALREADY want WHILE we’re consuming them so we can enjoy them even more? This is a way to turn a bad thing into a good thing, which I’m all about: furthermore, it’s a really great thing when people do it for us for free. It’s basically like doing charity work.

3) A LITTLE RICOCHET ROMANCE!!!

That brings me (finally) to Bill Raftery. Raftery is already the greatest college basketball color man ever; what I never understood until now is that he also personifies my above argument. For a long time, I thought Mr. Raftery and his explosive Tourette’s-like verbal ejaculations (examples of which I have dispersed throughout this post, in true Raftery fashion) were simply extremely pleasurable to have on a broadcast.

2) A LITTLE SMOOCHER, MOST UNATTRACTIVE BUT BENEFICIAL!!!

But only now do I realize he might be the next Mother Teresa.

1) SEND IT IN, JEROME!!!