Top 5 Soccer Chants For Our U.S. Boys

McBane here, happily keeping up my posts, as promised, while Raptor works hard in his dungeon trying to discover a way to lick his own asshole.

2010 World Cup qualifying is underway for the U.S. I could try to explain to you how awesome soccer is, but odds are you’re probably just an ignorant cocksucker and it won’t do any good.

HOWEVER, for those of you that know it IS awesome, you also know we need to make things better for our boys. We get booed in our own country by Mexican fans who (probably) steal all the tickets for home games. On the road, crowds urinate on our guys from the stands and sing wonderful, classy ditties like “Osama Bin Laden” (singing is a big part of being a fan in soccer – it pains me that I have to explain this).

Meanwhile our guys get paid less than your friendly neighborhood chartered accountant to represent the world's most hated country in the world’s most popular sport, and the thanks they get is that assclowns like Jim Rome and once-respectable writers turned ridiculous gasbags like Tony Kornheiser and snarky cuntsnorting anchors on Sportscenter (this is actually the worst, since they are "objective") contribute to their financial well-being by making jerkass comments about them and soccer in general.

(Hey Costas, if guys with blogs like me - blogs that are a) clearly so subjective that anyone who mistakes them for journalism will never understand real journalism anyway and b) read by nobody - are doing more harm to print journalism than your 24-hour-a-day teevee buddies, then I'm a billion feet tall. Oh yeah, and if you ever compare Jim Nantz to Woodward and Bernstein again, I'm going to have to fucking punch you. I'll even fight Buzz Bissinger on this too if he stops howling at the moon long enough, I don't care how much I loved A Prayer for the City).

Wow, sorry, I blacked out for a minute...that segment still angers me in about 20 different ways.

Anyway, moving on...the least we can do is give our boys some better songs.

I’ve heard some version of all these songs for other teams, and I’ve adapted them for the U.S., in some cases changing the tune.

These are the Top 5…

5) “If You’re Happy and You Know It (Then Clap Your Hands)” – when Brian Ching screws up a scoring chance

Now this is, admittedly, kind of a mean song, but we really need to get him off the field. For the good of our country. England fans for example are very good at encouraging their team in this way, as "sack the twat" and "you let your country down" proves. (In fairness to English fans, though, I can't imagine ever having the stones to call out the Russians in Moscow. I think some of the guys from this video may be in several pieces right now. It makes me nervous just bringing it up.)

If Ching can play for us then so can I (CLAP CLAP),
If Ching can play for us then so can I (CLAP CLAP),
If Ching can play for us,
I won't say that he sucks,
But if Ching can play for us then so can I (CLAP CLAP).

4) “My Darling Clementine” – when destroying any CONCACAF foe (except Cuba, obviously, and probably Canada too, because that would be a hell of a disguise)

Are you Cuba,
Are you Cuba,
Are you Cuba, in disguise?
You flop and trip,
You're worthless shit,
Are you Cuba, in disguise?

(aren't you glad to find our now-irrational hatred of Cuba is still good for something?)

3) “Winter Wonderland” – when Carlos Bocanegra makes a useful play

There's only one…Bocanegra,
Only one…Bocanegra,
He used to be shite,
But now he's alright,
Living in a 'Negra wonderland

2) “Chim-Chiminey” – when Tim Howard, our badass keeper with Tourette’s (seriously), makes another brillant save

Tim timminy
Tim timminy
Tim Tim Tirooo
We've got Tim Howard
And he says GODDAMN FUCKING ASS MONKEYS!!! (or whatever you want to put in...see? disabilities can be fun!)

1) “Addams Family” – for use when playing Mexico (I must give credit to El Tricolor: they’re such big douchebags that hating them is genuinely honorable) - this must be sung LOUDLY, by the way

YOUR SISTER IS YOUR MOTHER
YOUR UNCLE IS YOUR BROTHER
YOU ALL FUCK ONE ANOTHER
AND YOU PLAY FOR EL TRI!
dum dum dum dum (CLAP CLAP)…

Adios, muchachos!