Top 5 Times When White People Can Say "Nigger"

McBane here. Who put that slur in my title?

Growing up, I used to think “fuck” was the worst word one could utter. I thought this because it was the word people always said when they were the most insanely pissed, and they always apologized afterward. It took a while for me to learn about this other word, and I was taken aback. Discovering racism is definitely one of the most disillusioning things about growing up (though I’ll be honest - absolutely nothing beat the shock value of finding out there was no Santa Claus).

I started thinking more about this word again a while back, when I heard about the big fight on The View. I expected that Whoopi Goldberg had taken a scorched-earth, scorched-eyebrow approach toward never saying the word; though I was prepared to disagree, I was at least ready to defend her for making Elizabeth Hasselbeck cry, because Hasselbeck is 1) a ditzy neo-con, 2) someone who got famous simply for being cute while losing on a reality show, and 3) rich from marrying an NFL quarterback who‘s never played a down of meaningful football. (Goldberg, conversely, had to change her name to “Whoopi Goldberg,” date Ted Danson for a long time, work hard building a career as an excellent character actor and a stunningly mediocre comedian/comedic actor, and convert to Judaism [this is speculative]. Oh, and she’s black.)

I’m still ready to defend her for making Hasselbeck cry, but then I found out Goldberg was in favor of using the term as a form of empowering black people by taking the word from racists, and that Hasselbeck thought it shouldn‘t be used under any circumstances.

Back to square one.

I mean look, I’ve heard Goldberg’s argument many times before, and it makes sense, I suppose…for black people. But I’m not black, and you aren’t either. And it’s really none of our business whether black people use it or not. All we want to know is: what about us, white people (and Asians and Jews and Hispanics and blah blah blah)? When do we use it? I think Hasselbeck just wants to get the word out of the way, and I understand; I can never really find any percentage in using it.

Chris Rock discussed this recently in his comedy special (in a manner of speaking); he posited whether it was ever okay for white people to use the n-word. His answer, ultimately, was “not really.” (This is good advice.)

But I also hate the idea that some words shouldn’t be said. No one hated this idea more than George Carlin, and I once saw him launch into an elaborate, 20-minute joke with the n-word as a punch line to prove it. Logically it was well done, but I still kind of felt the sensation of playing leapfrog and having him fart in my face on the way past.

Now banning words is, of course, a terrible idea and I won‘t pretend otherwise. Legally, you can say the word; that won’t change, and it shouldn’t. (It is, after all, more important to protect the rights of people you disagree with than the people you do agree with. Protection of minority rights is what keeps democracies from dissolving. This is why we have the ACLU; what a lot of people don‘t understand is they hate the bastards they represent as much as everybody else. But I digress.)

I think the real question is this: is it ever socially acceptable for a white person to use the word, especially around black people?

The answer is yes. I won’t give you all the acceptable places (this is a free blog, after all). But I’ll give you the best ones.

5) A Quote

Again, context is everything. If you’re doing it to drive home a point about how racist someone is, that’s okay. If you use it because you want to get to say the word around black people without getting in trouble, it leaves you on shaky ground at best. Some situations fall in-between, such as a line in Dynamite Hack’s cover of Easy-E’s Boyz N’ tha Hood. (The answer in this case is: Acceptable. When in doubt convene a panel of at least nine people, the majority of them black, and ask for a ruling. It’s probably a good idea to keep some record of the ruling to protect yourself, again a good suggestion gleaned from Mr. Rock.)

4) A Dude Disguised as a Dude Playing Another Dude

Although Robert Downey, Jr. never used this word in Tropic Thunder (though he did slap another cast member who said it and then quoted “The Jeffersons” theme song to said cast member), it would have been acceptable if he had one strange line where he did say the line, and then have everyone on the set applaud him as a hero [as part of the movie]). Why? Because the satire in this case was that he was playing an actor who was playing a black man (he was not in blackface, and yes, there is a big difference). The social commentary in the movie is that Hollywood is self-important and out of touch with what constitutes responsible and realistic acting, and him dropping the line like he was a winner for doing it would have made sense as part of the satire.

Yes, satire is dangerous and risky, but it is also important and useful and generally a good idea.

Still, you had better leave it to guys like Downey, Jr.

3) Under Deep Cover in the Ku Klux Klan

If you’re an FBI agent and you’re trying to bust these guys up, you gotta slather some racism on yourself like it’s going out of style.

It’s for the greater good, folks.

2) In the Year 3000

Give your local geneticist a call: he/she will tell you that in a thousand years, due to ethnic intermingling/the ability to have sex with just about anyone (which really has only just taken off the past few decades or so and will explode sometime soon), the human race will have turned a strange shade of brown. The n-word can then be used as a historical curiosity without any rancor. (Fellas, on a related note, do you know redheads will probably be extinct in the next hundred years? Better get your hands on one while you can.)

1) In the Title of a Thoughtful Blog Post

This, of course, is completely obvious.

Top 5 Kinds of People Who Piss Me Off

Raptor here, puttin’ the lotion on it’s skin, lest he get’s the hose again.

People in general are all right, until you get them all banded together making stupid and irrational decisions.

5. Hippies
It always amazes me the amount of sway on youth culture the hippy movement has. I mean sure they usually have pretty good weed and there’s always that cute girl who never wears a bra and wears the floral patterns, but trust me you don’t want to see these things combined 20 years in the future. Those free flowin tits will be free fallin. Plus they really seem to enjoy sitting around all day and complaining about the man, or corporations, or the environment, or how they never noticed all the ridges in the back of their hands. And really, do you want to get your political commentary from some guy in a sash who can’t seem to figure out how to open a box of soap?

4. Protestors
These people seem to go against everything I stand for: apathy. Also they managed to keep Kissinger from coming to UT and giving a lecture that I was totally jazzed to go to.

My main beef with them isn’t there protests, it’s the way they poorly handle the abuse that comes along. Protesting has gotten a lot of good things done, like suffraging women, equal rights…. I’m cool with you using your right to gather and free speech, but typically things get out of hand. Typical scenario:

Gather a large group of people through web sites, chat rooms and emails. I mean A LOT of people. Said people are usually excitable people in nature (i.e. the kind who attend protests). Police gather to make sure things stay in check (And really when there’s a gathering of 1000+ it would be highly unwise not to have a Police presence). Excitable people get more excitable and start harassing members of the party being protested and police officers by throwing eggs, food, and rocks. Police officers clear streets with gas, and/or rubber bullets. Protestors complain that they were abused by police officers during there “peaceful” protest.

Really guys, you got it good. Ask the Palestinians how well the Isreali Police force responds to having rocks thrown at them by protestors.


3. Celebrity Environmentalists
Look I know being hooked on oil sucks. But you know what your goddamn Hummer runs off of? That private jet you used to fly from 2 continents for Live Earth, you know how many carbon credits that requires? Do you know how stupid the idea of carbon credits are? Before you come after me with your climate crisis, fucking read a few science books.

2. Film Majors
These guys are dicks. No exceptions. Don’t talk to me about the beauty of the cinematography. Give me explosions, tits, and comedic kicks to the groin!

1. Evangelicals/Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Really, I hate anyone who thinks that there is no possibility that they could be wrong ( except of course me, because I’m always right damn it!). But this debate is fucking tiresome. Really there’s no way to prove whether either side is right until your dead and have no choice but to find out. So really in the mean time, it’s nothing but a bunch of baiting and antagonizing the other side about an improvable point.

Top 5 Commercials

McBane here. What to do with the never-ending deluge of advertising that assaults us at every turn? That’s right: rank them for entertainment value.

5) Burger King - “Little Kick”

Eating this chicken would have killed a man. Wise decision by Burger King to make it less dangerous.

4) Reebok - “Office Linebacker”

There’s something refreshing and liberating about watching a linebacker throw a secretary through a cubicle wall, don’t you think?

3) Nike - “Next Level”

Not sure how heavy this rotation was in the U.S.; I saw it a lot in Euro 2008 but nowhere outside of that. Directed by Guy Ritchie, I’m guessing this will unfortunately start a trend of the first person POV ads by directors who aren‘t as good for products that aren‘t as cool, like the iced coffee ad for McDonald’s.

2) Old Spice Swagger - “LL Cool J”

Sublime on so many levels, and the music is outstanding. I only wish they had cast Puffy instead.

1) Firefox - “Get Firefox!”

Point taken.

Top 5 Minutes Pro-Palin Feminist Journalists Should Spend Before They Write Another Newspaper Column

One of the most disturbing things I have been hearing lately is that some supporters of Senator Clinton may be flocking to Governor Palin (an extremely small number, no doubt, but significant nonetheless); I have even been reading some columns across the country’s newspapers in which self-described feminists try to persuade women to do so. I was going to make a completely reasoned, logical response as to why this is a bad idea.

Bad move. Politics is not about reason or logic. It’s a popularity contest held by an uninformed electorate. Think I’m being too cynical? How about this: think of someone you know of average intelligence. Got that in your head? Now realize: half of Americans are dumber than that person. And a lot of them vote.

What Karl Rove politics has taught me is that reality is nebulous: you’re allowed to say anything made-up if you want, as long as you get your talking points across. I‘ve finally decided: why fight it? Why not go down that rabbit hole? Why not construct an argument that proves your point even if you're not sure you believe in it, and even if the evidence you present isn't accurate?

Why pretend that people care about journalistic principles, or even know what they are? Why pretend that truth about yourself or reality or what you actually believe in is relevant to anything at all? Guys like Sean Hannity and Bill O‘Reilly have figured out anything can sound like the truth if you yell it loud enough and you‘re a big enough cocksucker.

I say why not fight fire with fire…that way we can all burn.

I am McBane, and I approve this message.

5) Minute One

Feminist, I just read your column.

I’ve sat here and thought about it for awhile.

I feel compelled to respond, and I’m not sure why. I guess it’s because I have talked with many women who share a viewpoint similar to yours. Though a Man, I want to understand your frustration better. Because I feel like there are very, very strong arguments out there not to vote for McCain-Palin and to vote for Obama-Biden, and yet so many Hillary supporters like yourself seem to be unconvinced.

It would be demeaning of me to say that when it comes to voting you don’t understand the repercussions of your decisions; it’s equally likely, if not more so, that I don’t get it. Or more benignly, it could just be that we just come from different places and don’t interpret things in the same way. But now that your article has let me understand your frustrations a little better, let me give you my point of view, so maybe you can try to understand the frustrations of people like myself.

I've spent the last 30 years of my life trying to overcome physical maladies and illnesses inflicted on me in a Russian gulag at the end of the Cold War. I have been bed-ridden for months at a time. I’ve had nearly 50 surgeries. Even now, I can barely walk upright. My life is exhausting and terrifying. If I had no family to help me and had to try and get by on the assistance the government gives, I would not be alive right now. I’m not complaining - what happened to me can (and does) happen to all different types of people. But chronic suffering is a powerful thing. It makes you never want to see it happen to anybody else.

I live in one of the largest military towns in this country. My three best friends are all in Iraq right now. I also personally know several people who died there. I have read and watched as people who have lost limbs, or have been heavily psychologically damaged have since come back. A lot of them don’t get the care we should give them. When I see them and the sacrifices they and their families have made for God knows what reason, I never know what to say. I do know I have no idea how to make any of it right. I just want to stop this ridiculous crap.

I live in a place with a lot of human trafficking. My wife is a former victim. I researched the area extensively when I got my doctorate. Trafficking is pervasive and cheap; at least in the days of slaves as chattel, there was reason to take care of them from an investment standpoint. Now humans are easily identified, kidnapped, used up, and disposed of. There are slaves of all kinds. There are sex slaves, mainly young girls: Eastern Europeans on the east coast, Asians on the West, Latinas in the south. There is slave labor: (ECONOMIC POP QUIZ - what do you get when you globalize a world economy? Competitive labor costs! What’s the most competitive labor cost? Slaves!) many of them are children. Coal workers in Brazil, brick makers in Pakistan are some of these.

Fighting traffic in humans is something I currently do for a living now, and I can't sleep most nights. I see something new and horrible every day. Human trafficking is at a point where there are more slaves alive now than there were during the antebellum South (the population of people alive right now is obviously much larger, but still - every one of those slaves is an independent person. They’re not just a statistic. As Lincoln said, “if slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong.”)

4) Minute Two

So no, kindly columnist, I’m not in your shoes. But I know something about disappointment and suffering - these two things have been at the core of my life; both experiencing them and studying them. They are not uniquely feminine experiences. And I feel like McCain and Palin are on the wrong side of how to improve the lives of those who suffer. They don’t want universal health care. They don’t want to admit we made mistakes in Iraq and need to stop hemorrhaging money and human lives there. They’re not worried that we might all be dead from global warming in 50 years. I could go on, but the Republicans are on the wrong side of so many issues, it’s amazing.

I should qualify that: wrong is to some extent a relative matter. But I think logically, secular humanism is something that absolutely everyone in this world would benefit from. (By most definitions, that is an essential component of feminism.) And I think that the Republican party and Sarah Palin is the wrong place to go looking for that.

You’re a journalist. I understand that you have to write columns that make a provocative argument. But do you really believe what you’re saying? I hope so, because people who read it will be convinced that you mean it. To paraphrase the late Kurt Vonnegut: we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. If your principles are such that you feel like voting for a ticket with Sarah Palin on it outweighs all the arguments against it, then you should do it. But if you would feel guilty about it, maybe you shouldn’t.

Again, perhaps I simply don’t understand the argument of a lot of disaffected Hillary supporters (like yourself). Because the sense I get is simply that they are seeking an ephemeral feeling of vindication for their candidate losing the nomination. Hillary is qualified to be president; to some degree I will even admit she is a sympathetic character, and (assuming a Democratic congress) I would have gladly accepted her as my president (and she still may end up back in the White House, one day). But to me, to support Sarah Palin in the name of feminism to subconsciously make up for Hillary losing the primary seems like a perversion of feminist ideals. Again, I’m just a Man. I only have one X chromosome. So hopefully I‘m just being stupid right now and there are some other points I don‘t understand.

3) Minute Three

One of those points I might not understand is how Sarah Palin’s femininity could transfer from her being vice president to ultimately empowering women across the nation at large. I can’t imagine it being as amazing as some women seem to suggest. I imagine that if Barack Obama becomes president, on inauguration day the sun will rise, the sun will set, a lot of black people will look around and smile for a minute, and then they probably get back to the largely mundane tasks of their lives, like the rest of us. I imagine if Hillary was in that situation instead, many women would do the same thing; they would just happen to notice that in Hillary‘s case, they would start to see things on her agenda that would change their lives for the better, as opposed to Palin, who would make their lives worse.

Let’s be honest, too. Thatcher. Meir. Merkel. Women have been in charge, and will be in charge, all around the world. Some of them are capable. Some are not. Some are on the right side of the issues. Some are not. I don’t understand why there needs to be a woman on this winning ticket, right now, in this election year.

One thing I do understand: a woman will eventually be president of this country. Of that, there is no doubt in my mind. I think, ironically, one of the things working against Hillary was that she was such a presumptive favorite that it created an underdog appeal for Obama. Two years ago no one (and I mean no one) said “well Hillary Clinton is certainly up by a huge margin in all the polls now, but by the simple fact of her gender she cannot possibly win an election for president.” Again, we will have a woman president. Is it overdue? Yeah. Fuck yeah, even. But would women be suffering if Obama-Biden were in charge instead of McCain-Palin? No. I know something about suffering. I abhor it.

This would not be suffering.

Did Hillary get a raw deal in the primaries? I think she probably did. But is getting Palin on the ticket what would make her happiest? Are you fucking kidding me?

I mean yes, Chris Matthews is a nincompoop. Keith Olbermann can be one too. So can a lot of media members. So can a lot of Men. (So can a lot of women.) And I don’t mean to make light of this; I understand your frustration runs deeper for a lot of different reasons, and I understand that perhaps when you saw what happened to Hillary, it maybe felt like part of your identity was being attacked as well. That maybe you felt some betrayal of what the possibility of being a woman in America was; that maybe you felt like you suddenly realized that the country was full of sexist hypocrites and that you weren‘t as close to equality as you thought.

I don’t feel quite the same way, obviously, and I freely admit that I can’t understand if you feel this way or not, or how much it bothers you if it does; it’s hard to measure another person’s emotion.

But there are 300 million people in this country. There are six and a half billion people in the world. A lot of them are super-fucked. They need help right now. They can have an America in the hands of a party that, at its’ core, I think still cares about people; or they could have a McCain-Palin ticket, the ticket of a party that at it’s core cares about markets and trying to remake the world into America, though America a) doesn‘t have that capability any more and b) is kind of a huge hypocrite when it comes to “implementing“ American ideals in other countries.

4) Minute Two

This is kind of an important election.

I happen to love the Democratic ticket, but I will accept that hypothetically there could be better solutions, or choices, than Obama-Biden (that involve Clinton). But I just remember 2000, when I voted for Nader, because I thought maybe it really didn’t matter all that much who won between the two major parties; I just wanted a third-party voice to be heard.

I was about as wrong as a human being could possibly be; it did matter who won. A week later, no one gave a shit about Ralph Nader‘s movement. And Bush is still our president. The economy sucks. Our military is fucked. We have a debt that, along with rising Social Security and Medicare costs for the baby boom, will cripple my generation fiscally. We could lose Afghanistan. We’re not doing anything with Pakistan. We’re happy to let the oil companies continue our stupid energy policy. Bin Laden is still at large. We’re creating a free recruitment campaign for terrorists every day we stay in Iraq. We won’t fix Iraq; the surge is bullshit - violence is down because we’ve set up a nation of Tony Soprano-styled divisive ethnic groups. Russia is getting scary again. We need someone who can hold their own with Putin and Maliki and Ahmadinejad and Jintao and hell, even Sarkozy (the French are always dicks). We can’t have eight years even remotely like the last one. Even if a woman is part of it. You see what I’m getting at?

Good. Now remember: you’re a newspaper columnist. That means you’re about as oppressed as Leona Helmsley. If it bugs you that much that Clinton didn’t get the nom, look in the mirror; maybe you could have been a little more active. Maybe you should have cared as much as Obama supporters did, knocking on doors and organizing caucuses and raising money. Don’t cry about it now; now there’s no justification for you to be a coward and make an incendiary argument for McCain/Palin (especially one that people will read) when you know (or should know) that it’s an irresponsible thing to do.

1) Minute Five

Be a feminist; it‘s a great thing to be.

But don’t be a bitch.

And don‘t vote McCain/Palin.

Top 5 Reasons It Would Suck Being a Woman

Raptor here, burning bras and fighting the man.

Ladies, I recognize it’s hard being a woman. I wouldn’t want to do it. Besides bleeding out dead ova every month, there are a plethora of reasons why it sucks to be you. Allow me to enumerate.

5. If they make a sitcom about you and you’re unattractive, your counterpart will be equally if not more unattractive than you.

This one just isn’t fair. Let me speak to you in your language.

Fatty guys who are funny get Stacey Carosi a girl it took the coolest guy alive, Zack Morris, an entire summer to get with!

Fatty Chicks who somehow get there own show get Dan Conner, who never went to 'Nam.

4.You have to read Cosmo every month and pretend it’s a new issue.

Were you aware that pink is the new black. Then, strangely, orange is the new black the next month instead of the new pink. I got bad news for you. In the words of Los Bravos, black is black.

Uh Oh! Autumn is coming. Time for Cosmo to inform you to buy sweaters!

Also amazing to me: that that they keep up with the Cosmo Sutra with the same 3 positions recycled over and over again under different names. Let me save you 4.99: there’s the one where you get up on top while your partner sits Indian style, some variation of doggy style, and reverse cowgirl.

3. The shoes are retarded.

Seriously. I have walked a mile in your shoes… and then some ( I was Smurfette one fateful Halloween). You guys need to learn this thing called function over form. Sure your 23 inch heels might make you feel sexy when you go to a wedding, but they lead to blisters, bleeding, sprained ankles, and worst of all tearing of the brides dress when you step on it on the dance floor. Plus you’re not impressing the men folk. If a man comments on your shoes he’s a) gay or b)really gay. And all you lesbians out there, same goes for you. My point is someone commenting on your shoes probably likes the cock 98% of the time.

If you are going to wear these, I revoke all rights to bitch how uncomfortable you are.


2. The Shower Curtain Hangers are Also Retarded

Ok. These things right here

See Them?

They will come off of the curtain rod every time. I mean everytime. So don’t bitch at me when there’s spillage during my shower.

1. You go to these women for fashion/moral advice

You women eat this show up. I can’t decide which part is worse, the fact that you take fashion tips from Carrie who looks like she got kicked off the short bus for looking too …um, special, or the horrible life lessons it eschews.

I mean it’s one thing if you watched and took something away some wisdom about life and some of the baser truths it espouses (i.e. You know that guy who keeps cheating on you, but you think he can change if you keep nagging at him? He’s a cheater and he’s not going to change. ) But you don’t seem to learn from it, in fact you revel in it and spend most of your time trying to decide if you’re a Carrie or a Miranda! (And I am not a Miranda goddamn it! Stop trying to put that label on me!)

Top 5 Greatest Inventions of Humanity

McBane here. Happy September 11th, everybody!

This is a day when a lot of people tend to get a little down. But I’d like to take a moment here to pay homage to the five greatest intellectual triumphs in the history of man.

5) Abortion

Although I usually say I’m on the fence, I think I probably am pro-abortion, solely because if I knocked a girl up I’d probably want her to kill her baby. Shit, who am I kidding? I’d want her to kill that fucking baby even if she birthed it and it became a living, breathing kid and I didn‘t find out about it until it was ten years old.

I don’t need the aggravation.

But there’s also a powerful argument to made about women protecting their bodies, blah blah blah. Plus we murder like animals and shit all the time and eat them. Those animals have brains. Little fertilized eggs don’t. So what’s the big fucking deal, bitch?

4) Drugs

Drugs kick ass. Illegal ones, mainly, but prescription drugs aren’t bad either. Why work to fix the big empty hole in your soul when you can mask it chemically?

Declaring war on drugs, by the way, has got to be the stupidest thing this country has ever done. Booze is legal, which is a pretty solid drug in and of itself, and it powers our economy. We want our economy to grow, right?

And don’t get me started on how too many people over-consume booze. What’s so bad about vice, bitches? Are we fucking Puritans? Is drunk driving that big a problem? So what if slightly under one in one hundred people dies in a car wreck? That doesn’t even meet Cheney’s “One Percent Doctrine” of going to war. (Odds are you probably won’t miss that one in a hundred anyway.)

At least give us weed, man. I’m willing to compromise.

3) God

I’ve covered God a bit in this blog before. But God really is wonderful. Without God, if we treated people with disrespect, or disgust, or disdain, we would just kind of be assholes. But God allows us to demonize people in all kinds of wonderful ways, AND we can be better people for it, AND it never has to make sense!

God also allows us to enjoy our second-greatest invention:

2) War

War = hell. Hell = other people. Logically, this means: war = other people. In fact, without crazy terrorist fealty to God, we probably wouldn’t even have had September 11th! (Er, at least it wouldn‘t be as meaningful…you know what I mean.)

Can you imagine?

Luckily, this was not the case. The reason this was so lucky is that war is very entertaining. If there was no war, there would be no war movies (Saving Private Ryan, Full Metal Jacket, Jarhead), no war-themed video games (Halo, Ghost Recon), no war-themed miniseries on HBO (Generation Kill, Band of Brothers), no contemporary war protest music (um…).

Face it: we love war. We can’t get enough of it. And it doesn’t really affect us in any other way. Americans who die over there tend to be poor or gung-ho patriots, and I’ll make you a bet: if you’re reading this, you probably aren’t friends with any people like that. I know I’m not. So why should it bother us? People in Africa are dying of HIV and starvation, and we REALLY don’t give a shit about them. Are people in America any more important? No, right? So again, what’s the big fucking problem?

Plus, war gives us a sense that there is something hugely important going on in our mundane lives. We can watch a war movie and think: wow, man, that’s really something. I really get it. That’s powerful stuff. Geez. It makes me look at the world in a whole different light. And oh by the way…do you think KFC is still open?

I want some fucking fried chicken.

And I want it now.

1) Satire

Ok, I’m back. KFC, in fact, was open! (God bless America.)

Oh yes, satire. Life is complicated. Issues are complicated. People are complicated. Existence is complicated. Yet, it’s hard to point this out without aggressively opinionated hardcore maniacs thinking you’re wishy-washy. Why is this? I don’t know. I‘ve never been able to figure it out. (It’s too complicated.)

This is where satire comes in. None of us really has any complete idea of what we’re doing, and we all fuck up more than we like to admit, even to ourselves. (It’s okay, though: you can’t spell failure without U-R-A.) Satire helps us realize that being a fuckup is not the worst thing to be: the worst thing is being an inflexible asshole. (No one likes those, not least of all the producers in the “movies” Raptor has a role in. They‘ve told him explicitly on numerous occasions.)

Look, the reality is there’s always a bit more going on in life than we want to admit, or than we can understand. So if you want to, go ahead and hate the Republicans or the Democrats or radical Islam or over-accelerated culture or unstoppable globalization or whatever you want to all you want this September 11th. It’s understandable, and human, and lot of it is probably reasonable and justified.

But don’t be afraid to be thoughtful on the issue. And while you’re at it, give someone a fucking hug or something too. Maybe catch up with someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Life is hard for just about everybody, after all.

And if, at times, you can’t figure out what it is you’re supposed to be doing, remember: being a nice person is generally a pretty cool thing to be.

You fucking jerk.

Top 5 Unacceptable Reasons to Bother Me During the Longhorn Game

Raptor here fulfilling my moral obligation bring sexy back.

I know I’ve dispensed a lot of advice in this blog. But heed this more than anything:

When I am sitting down to watch the Horns on Saturday, don’t think you can break my attention away from the game. Attempt to pull me away from the TV and the consequences will be swift and severe.

The following are merely the top 5 of the nearly infinite supply of reasons to bother me, that while you may think they are important enough to annoy me with your presence, you are horribly wrong.

5. There's a Terrorist Attack Downtown

You know what happens if I stop watching football? The terrorists win.

4.Telling Me About Your Day-

I’m sure you think that the meaningless trifle you do in between your interactions with me are both important and interesting. You couldn’t be more wrong.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that when you leave the room you cease to exist since I can’t see you anymore. So anything that happens when you enter this nebulous black hole of existence is either a) a blatant lie created by a collective subconscious, or b) something that happened in another dimension of the polyverse.

Either way, I don’t care.

3. Getting Married

Ok. Really. Who’s the inconsiderate one? Me for drunkenly grabbing your maid of honor’s ass as she marches down the aisle or you for not thinking about the rest of us and having your nuptials during FOOTBALL season? You’re setting yourself up for years of disappointment, starting from the wedding night when you realize how flat in the front a man who allows his bride such a scheduling error is.

I’ve expressed my feelings adequately in the your card which contains a picture of my middle finger and a $50 dollar gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond.


2. A Death in the Family

Ok I concede this one is kind of big and you can tell me…

…at halftime.

1.Sex

Look don’t think I’ll be distracted by your seductive womanly ways. I’m channeling all my positive energy to Austin.

That’s not to say I won’t be putting it to you. I’ll just be making eye contact with and dreaming of one Colt McCoy.

Top 5 Songs That Are Impossible to Put in a Playlist

McBane here. Despite all my bluster, I’ll be the first to admit: I pretty much don’t understand anything. Aside from the Dallas Cowboys, foreign policy and mind-shattering tantric sex…when it comes to the sea of knowledge, I’m pretty much adrift in the horse latitudes. (You are too, more or less. Luckily for you, you’re just too stupid to realize it. Asshole.)

One of the things I don’t understand is how I’m supposed to listen to music anymore. Do albums matter? What function does the radio have nowadays? Is it weird that I have a YouTube playlist and an iTunes playlist and that they don’t overlap at all?

Understanding how to experience music has largely become ineffable. But I do know this: stick these five awesome songs in a playlist and people will look at you like you just puked in the church collection basket.

5) “Ballroom Blitz” - Sweet

This song is, in a way, kind of glam-metal sounding, but also incredibly high energy. And yeah, it’s kind of gay, too, in that faggoty hair-band way (and by gay I mean they can do anything…no, wait…I’m thinking of retards). All-around great song.

By the way - shouldn’t it be more surprising that most glam cokeheads have traditionally tended toward producing power ballads? Ballads seemed to be the standard for excellence in the era, and I don‘t know why; who has the patience for a guitar solo when you‘re on coke? Why don’t more cokeheads put out music that sounds like Ballroom Blitz, or more bluntly, anything by The Ramones?

Life is mysterious.

4) “You! Me! Dancing!” - Los Campesinos!

This is a song about dancing that, as it is wisely pointed out by someone whose name I can't recall, you probably can’t dance to, unless you bust out your Charlie Brown. Interesting song construction: starts off with a massive escalating musical clusterfuck at the beginning that, if you played with the bass up all the way in your car, might lead to you giving abortions to pregnant women. (“Ahhh! My baby!”)

Anyway, when you’re ready for the intro to stop, the song gets poppy in the middle, breaks out some chimes, and then segues into some weird babbling shit at the ending.

Pretty awesome, right? Doesn’t go with anything, does it? Let’s move on.

3) “The Moneymaker” - Rilo Kiley

You may also know this song by the original title, "Raptor's Asshole."

Jenny Lewis's voice is kind of on the wrong end of her endlessly fluctuating (and perplexing) cool/annoying seesaw here (kudos though for sliding up the bass note at 3:11 - KA-POW). However, Sennett (and de Reeder to some extent) steal the motherfucking show, busting out some goddamn KILLER sleaze-guitar riffs (all while sporting some excellent lounge-lizard tuxes).

An FYI to enhance your cultural Q rating: killer sleaze guitar that doesn’t sound stupid is generally regarded by knowledgeable guitarists as very, very rare, and very, very cool. Yes, I‘m completely making this up. But you must admit, this song is way too high class to be grouped with other slutty songs that share solidly strummed sleaze. (Again, I barely even know what I‘m saying right now. I just like the alliteration.)

2) “The White Rabbit” - Jefferson Airplane

Seems as though it was written purely to make you have a terrible fucking trip after dropping acid…which seems like a dick move, doesn‘t it? Most people who write songs about dropping acid tend to be users themselves, and generally don’t want to spread open their puckered assholes to spray drizzling shit all over other people’s parade.

But whatever the motivation for this song, it really stands awesomely on its’ own four rabbity feet…but topples over in a playlist.

1) “Bohemian Rhapsody” - Queen

Where would this song and “Ballroom Blitz” be without Wayne’s World? In an Eastern European zone of cultural mediocrity, that’s where, buried under a pile of techno tripe at the nightclubs while everyone spazzes out on X and glow stix, boogying till sun-up in their Capri pants.

Luckily, these songs have not yet met such a dark fate. They can be liberated.

Rock on, reader.

Rock on.

And don’t let the man keep you down with his playlists.

I'm friggin sorry

Raptor here.

OK I apologize for the hiatus. Much like that Joanie Mitchell song, you didn't know what you got til it was gone. But I'm back (unlike your deadbeat father who's still nailing that trailer park hooker), and, now as before, I'm here to give you the education the public school system denied you.

Today's lesson:
Top 5 Phobias Of Raptor

That's right class, because I've been away so long, I'm will to impart upon you some of the secrets to defeating me. A list of fears if used correctly could possibly give you a momentary upper hand in our future battles. Maybe in the .01 seconds between the time the fear shows itself, and the time my hatred for you over comes said fear and I bash your head in with a solid dragon punch, you will be able to get a shiv into my side.

5. The Large Hadron Collider

Why it freaks me out:

Because it can end the world in a variety of different ways, be it creating mini black holes, strange matter, or opening wormholes. It's statistically improbable, but not statistically impossible.

Why it won't benefit you:

You will find it impossible to lure me to within 25 miles of this thing. If I enter said vicinity I'm already dead.

4. That Stephen Tyler and Julia Roberts Will Fall In Love and Have Children

Why it freaks me out:

Tyler and Roberts have perhaps two of the largest mouths in the business. This child will literally be able to swallow it's own head, a la Pacman. The implications of this are staggering. The world will collapse upon that spot or at the very least anyone witnessing this event will go completely insane from the horror of it all.

Why it won't benefit you:

In this age of tabloids I'll have a huge heads up on such an unholy union and once thusly alerted will arm myself with a plane ticket to LA and metal hangers.

3. Spiders

Why they freak me out:

Why do I fear spiders? Because one almost killed me. I got a pretty wicked staph infection from a spiderbite.

Why it won't benefit you:
Because um... Spiders never bite twice?... yea..something like that


2. Zombies

Why they freak me out:

Something about, you know, their being undead coupled with their hunger for human flesh. The zombie apocalypse is inevitable people! Always be aware. Again I promise to do anything in my power to prevent you from becoming a zombie (except McBane), but the second you're bitten, you're dead to me. (Although, I do have many questions about zombies. They seem to bite both to eat and reproduce. How do they decide which when approaching a crowd of people? Do Zombies have emotions? Do they retain any memories of there past existance?)

Why it won't benefit you:

You might think I'd say that Zombies don't exist in this section, which is only partially true. Zombie's don't exist YET. No the reason that this won't benefit you is you cannot train a zombie.

1. Zombie Spiders

Why they freak me out:

It's a motherfucking zombie spider.

Why it won't benefit you:

It's a motherfucking zombie spider.