Top 5 Most Played Songs on my iPod and What These Things Could Possibly Mean about Me and My State of Mental Well Being.

Raptor here, still counting down the days to infinity.

Originally, I was going to do a rant list on how much Herm “ I overrun my runningbacks because I want them to be test subjects for the next generation of prosthetic knees and joints” Edwards and Carl “I snookered the president into buying a shitty charity hat” Peterson need to retire and leave my beloved Chiefs, but I was intrigued by the whole Coldplay getting snaked out of the 1,000^th number 1 single on the Hot 100 list by Kate Perry’s Kissed a Girl(awesome song by the way).

For some reason this made me want to look and see what songs were the most played songs on my iPod. I fully expected the top 10 to be dominated by Guster, Weezer, Ozma, and some Queen. How naïve.

iTunes software doesn’t count the song until the song has played all the way through. This seems reasonable until you factor in the level of ADD I have had since switching from CDs to MP3s. I have no patience for long outros or fade outs. I want the next song. Now. This phenomena fully explains why Mr. Blue Sky, a song I play on a regular basis, has only 15 plays and is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down on the list. (On a side note, this fractured listening practice is probably why I’ve been losing my appreciation of albums. The last full album I was like, “Man all of these songs fit and slide right into each other,” was Ozma’s Rock and Roll, Pt III. That’s not to say there aren’t releases of CDs where the entirety of said released recordings are good music. They just don’t have a Sgt Pepper or Tommy kind of feel. Do bands still make complete album experiences? Would Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band mean anything if it were released today? Would I be able to sit through an entire listening? Am I just missing the album experience because I’ve become more fractured in my listening experience? Is this too long to be a side note?)

So in the end the most played list is not necessarily representative of the songs I most listen to, a lot of them are more a representation of what songs come on when I play my music in the background at work or at home on random. At the same time, all these songs were downloaded by me so they must have some sort of connection to my state of mind. Also, I do sometimes hit next while it’s on random, so why did these songs out of apparently 39.3 days worth of music make the jump to the top? All these questions need to be answered.

5. Satellite- Mika-

I’ve never been a huge fan of Mr. Dave Matthews. He annoys me for varied reasons I can’t explain. I know a good portion of it stems from being told how much I should love him by people who refer to him as Dave, except when they say it they say, “Duh-ave”. Still I recognize he does have a great amount of talent. He can play the guitar and pens some pretty good tunes. He can’t sing very well but a lot of rockers can. Mika’s cover of “Satellite” made me realize that perhaps he is this generations less talented version of Bob Dylan. You know the guy who you love all there songs as long as they are sung by other people. I need more covers to base this off of but this was a good start. Mika throws an operatic vocal range into the mix and the results are pretty entrancing.

What does this say about me?
That my appreciation for flamboyantly gay pop vocalist carried on past the death of Freddie Mercury.

4. All For You- Sister Hazel

Ok this one was a real head scratcher. I really don’t have anything against Sister Hazel and this song is pretty catchy. But it made it way hire up the list than any of my other guilty pleasure songs (example Sweet Escape which I thought I had listened to an excessive amount only came in 31^st). Upon seeing it come in at #4 I relistened to try and figure out why it flew up the charts and that promptly bumped it up to #3.

What does this say about me? I don’t know. The song is so inoffensive that it’s offensive. It’s fun and over before you realize. It’s like a good friend who shows up, parties, and leaves before the hours too late and you have to come up with awkward excuse for why you want them to leave. Really this song just leaves me with more questions. Did Sister Hazel Have any other songs? How did I get to a point in my life where All for You is the #4 song on my most played list?

I guess more than anything this song says I like 90’s pop-rock more than I thought or maybe my Mac just really likes Sister Hazel.

3. Happier- Guster

Ok. Finally a song I expected to be up in this group. This song is probably my favorite song by my favorite band.

What does this say about me?

I apparently am in a rut and need to break out to save my sanity. This is true. So what better way to do so than to listen to the same song over and over again… wait. Crap. Also, I view my friends as weak, beneath me, and expendable.

2.The Joker-Steve Miller Band

This one’s a shocker. If I were to pick a classic rock song that I expected to be in this spot I would have gone with “Sweet Home Alabama” or “Take it Easy”. But no Steve Miller somehow has this spot locked up.

What does this say about me?

I enjoy the pompetacity of creating the word pompetous. From the outside I would think it would signal to the world that I’m into pot and free love. To me it says, “I like boobs, and like to use aliases such as Maurice and Ron Mexico while engaging in unprotected coitus.”

1. I Will Survive- Cake

This song takes me back to 10^th grade when a couple of friends came up with a dance they referred to as the Kramer to this little ditty. It involved a lot of twitching and shaking. It became a pre race ritual for half the swim team. Thusly, this song has wound up on several of my playlists listed as “Pump up Jams I- IV”

What does this say about me? Despite 2 songs above viewing my friends as expendable, I have an overwhelming level of nostalgia. So in literary terms that makes me a complex character. In real world terms that makes me an asshole.

Top 5 Bill Raftery Double Entendres That Prove His Genius

McBane here. Guess what? Sex sells. Sex sells cars. Sex sells booze. Sex sells guns. Sex sells seashells by the seashore. Sex in advertising is so pervasive that we really can’t be bothered to stop to think about it. But should we? Is there something we’re missing? I mean, obviously, some sexual imagery is overt (see above). But often it is not. Let’s think about alcohol, for example: ice cubes don’t photograph (very well). There’s long been debate over whether or not companies make illustrators go out of their way to make implicit suggestive sexual illustrations in the ice cubes they draw: say, an outline of a naked woman, or the word “SEX”, or Miley Cyrus sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch (this last one is speculative).

5) A LITTLE PIROUETTE, AND THEY SAID THIS WAS A BEER TOWN!!!

The jury may be out on whether this is the case, but the thing is, no one seems to think this is a bad business idea, and no one is really outraged by it either. As consumers, we just kind of accept it. Indeed, I bet if most people were running said advertising company, and they had the option of including implicit sexual imagery, they would say “why the heck not? What would it hurt?” Naturally, I understand that you, gentle reader, may be saying: this is disingenuous. Isn’t it, after all, devious to create a desire we didn’t consciously want?

4) BIG ONIONS, AND THERE’S PANTIES ON THE DECK!!!

My advice to you is this: shut up. Look, we all pretty much seem to agree that subliminal sexual advertising very possibly works, and that there’s really nothing we can do to stop it. It makes more sense to take it in another direction: why don’t we ADD sexually implicit messages to things we ALREADY want WHILE we’re consuming them so we can enjoy them even more? This is a way to turn a bad thing into a good thing, which I’m all about: furthermore, it’s a really great thing when people do it for us for free. It’s basically like doing charity work.

3) A LITTLE RICOCHET ROMANCE!!!

That brings me (finally) to Bill Raftery. Raftery is already the greatest college basketball color man ever; what I never understood until now is that he also personifies my above argument. For a long time, I thought Mr. Raftery and his explosive Tourette’s-like verbal ejaculations (examples of which I have dispersed throughout this post, in true Raftery fashion) were simply extremely pleasurable to have on a broadcast.

2) A LITTLE SMOOCHER, MOST UNATTRACTIVE BUT BENEFICIAL!!!

But only now do I realize he might be the next Mother Teresa.

1) SEND IT IN, JEROME!!!

Top 5 Uses of Music In a Motion Picture- Pop Song Edition

Raptor here. I'd complain about the Spurs draft but apparently McBane revoked my fan license

Musical choices can make or break your cinematic masterpiece. Imagine Indy without his triumphant entrance music, or Dances with wolves with out it’s French horn solos. Instant sucktitude. But John Williams, John Barry, and Daniel Elfman have enough people sucking there balls. Today I’m focusing on those directors who use pop/rock songs to enhance the doing transpiring on screen.

We’ve all seen a scene in a movie where we are like holy crap that little ditty fits in perfectly with what’s going on here. The two cease to be a song and a movie, they become a (Fuck you AT&T) moment. At that point the two are forever intermixed in your psyche to a point where you cannot hear the song with out picturing what’s going on at that cinematic moment.

For the sake of eliminating argument, I’m eliminating musicals and appearances by bands in movies (Sorry Dan Band, as awesome as you were in Road Trip, your disqualified. You too Lustra/Matt Damon.).

5. Live and Let Die- Guns N’ Roses- Gross Pointe Blank (unfortunately no youtube link)

What song puts into words the increased levels of cynicism and levels of jadedness you get from getting older? What could be more jading than to returning to you childhood home after being away 10 years and finding its an UltraMart Convenience store?

4. You’re The Best- Joe Esposito- Karate Kid-

How are you gonna get ready to kick some ass in the Valley Karate Tourney? You’re gonna fucking paint some old man’s fence. How are you going to learn to defeat the bullies? Wax some cars. And What’s your reward? Joe Esposito immortalizing your general badassery with the greatest pump up jam of all time (Shut up Freddy Mercury don’t you say a fucking word.) Is that enough? More than you can possibly comprehend.

3. Everybody’s Talking- Harry Nilsson- Midnight Cowboy

I saw Brokeback, there were no great musical moments in that movie.

Despite that fact there is still an instance of a song automatically making me think of gay cowboys. Played as Jon Voigt hops on a bus heading up to New York, you actually get to see the shadows of his mind, played in odd flashbacks. And despite being a heterosexual male there’s something about both the song and Joe Buck’s don’t give a fuck attitude but in a laid back kind of way that I kind of identify with.

2. These Days- Nico- Royal Tenenbaums

Upon first viewing, this song had a weird level of irony. It’s a song of regret and missed opportunities played as a brother meets his (adopted) sister. But it stuck out. As the movie plays out and you see the level of Richie’s Love for Margot and vice versa it became ironically apt. It really could have been the anthem for this film seeing as how it’s about the grand and colossal failures of a family that should have been great.

1.Ooh La La- The Faces- Rushmore-

No one has really mastered the craft of matching music with screen like Wes Anderson. He always seems to find the perfect song for the moment at hand. Really, I could use several of the songs from Rushmore. The chorus of “you are forgiven” while Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray try to out prank each other pops immediately. But I chose this song because, when I hear it everything goes into slow motion and you realize how many strangely obvious things you missed in your life. This movie is basically a movie of people making strangely bad choices and winding up hurting those who care about them. When Miss Cross takes off Max’s glasses she get’s a weird look of realization that’s completely cemented with the vocals talking about becoming bitter about the traps of love.

Top 5 Reasons Why George Hill is the Worst Draft Pick Ever

McBane here. So I missed my Thursday deadline...BLOW ME. Bigger things are afoot.

Look, my INTENT is always to write positive columns, and as a longtime Spurs fan/R.C. Buford apologist, I tend to DEFEND the moves the Spurs make. And I have enjoyed our four titles, make no mistake. But here’s the fucking reality: everyone says “oh, the Spurs are so GREAT, so REVOLUTIONARY at drafting players it makes me want to CUM ALL OVER MY OWN FUCKING FACE BRRAAHH,” but the terrible truth is we have had one (1) useful draft pick THIS ENTIRE FUCKING DECADE (Tony Longoria-Parker).

And yeah, Gregg Popovich fucking HATES coaching young players (I got the goddamn memo), and maybe he only wants guys with a certain attitude. “Worked pretty fucking well for a while, McBane you bastard,” he (and you) might sneer at me, but the thing is, right now everyone on the team is on the wrong side of 30, except for Mr. Longoria-Parker (although in all fairness his wife is far enough on the wrong side for both of them). Maybe someone needs to FUCKING CALL OUT the Spurs, so we can start drafting a little bit better, so we won’t have to fucking fold the franchise when Duncan and Buford and Pop retire simultaneously and go live far, far away in swanky beach houses and sleep blissfully at night on beds made of money while hardcore fans (like me) get FUCKED out of our team with no recourse like what’s happening in Seattle, MMMKAY?

Anyway, about George Hill and why he’s the worst draft pick ever…

5) HE SUCKS

But don’t take my word for it. Let’s hear what Dick Vitale has to say!

“HE PLAYS THE RIGHT WAY BABY AND HE’S AN UPPERCLASSMAN AND HE HAS TONS OF CHARACTER AND HE’S THE KIND OF GUY YOU WANT TO GO TO WAR WITH AND HE’S JUST AN OVERACHIEVER BABY AND HE’S DONE MAXED OUT HIS TALENT AND HE’S ALREADY 22 AND GEE WHIZ I GUESS WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT ALL THAT BABY THAT ONLY MAKES IT EVEN WORSE THAT HE ALREADY SUCKS.”

4) he's a shrimp

Yowza, we got a guy with the size to play and defend one (1) position, which also is the hardest position for rookies to play, which is also the position our one (1) young guy (Parker) plays. Ha ha ha!!! WOO-HAHAHAHAHA!

Oh yeah, everyone also loves to note Hill is 6-2 but has a 6-9 wingspan like I give a flying shit. That’s GREAT, that’s absolutely FANTASTIC, have I mentioned how fucking fantabulously fantastic that is? That’s like having a 6-9 guard with a 6-9 wingspan only oh by the way he’s SEVEN FUCKING INCHES SHORTER. By the way ladies, have I ever mentioned that my penis is three feet long? Yeah, the only thing is, is that it starts right below my Adam’s apple and goes all the way through my body cavity. But the point is, I have a really huge penis. Isn’t that great?

3) you know, Jay Bilas "really, really likes him"

This is (very) bad. Think about it this way: it’s exactly what you DON’T want a chick friend of yours to say after a long pause when she’s supposed to be running wingman (wingwoman? wingperson?) duties for you. Any option is better. You ideally want some innate description of your qualities, like “he’s rich and he’s smart and he always knows which wine to order” or “Jesus, I knew this one girl, I heard he made her cum EIGHT TIMES” or “honey pie, he has a FORTY-THREE-INCH VERTICAL.” Even something like “he’s killed people before and LIKED it” at least makes you sound compelling.

Instead with this line what your friend is basically saying is that “this man has absolutely NO redeemable human qualities and there is absolutely no way in this lifetime you would ever, EVER have sex with the motherfucker. Under ANY circumstances. You could be missing three limbs and be blind in both eyes and you wouldn’t do it. Now, by an extremely unfortunate series of events I have wound up friends with him, but it’s obvious I hold him in such contempt that I can’t even manage to think of ONE (1) semi-neato human quality of his that I can accentuate or even think of ONE (1) lie that would seem reasonable enough to make him seem a tiny bit desirable.”

(Then again, maybe Bilas just has the brain of a second-grade homo. He went to Dook, after all.)

2) HE HAS NO VALUE

Man, I sure feel orgasmically HAPPY knowing there was no one else better at the position that we could have taken, HAHAHA. Not like, say, an isolation-devastation Ginobili-esque disemboweler who showed it’s possible to light up a shitty conference AND still dominate awesome players. (What’s that Chris Douglas-Roberts? Excuse me sir, I’m trying to write a top five list here. I’ll get back to you. Jesus. Just hold on a minute while I wait for him to GET LOST already, cough cough. )

Man that CDR is an annoying prick.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I was saying something like good thing there wasn’t a guy available with a sweet all-around game who’s proven himself to be devastatingly clutch. What’s that, Mario Chalmers? Oh, I’m sorry, you’re from KANSAS, I block all good things KANSAS players do from my memory. You made a big shot in some sort of “NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP” game in San Antonio? That’s swell, I actually honest-to-God was offered to work that game but I didn’t know about it because my phone somehow got a week behind on delivering messages. But yeah yeah, I’m sure it was a very lovely shot.

Okay, got rid of him, whew. Anyway, I was saying something like IT SURE IS A GOOD THING there wasn’t a devastating defensive stopper to replace the decomposing Bruce Bowen, like Luc Richard Mbah A Moute. Man I sure am glad that Mbah A Moute went back to school and wasn’t taken in the second round by Milwaukee (37^th pick overall), that would have REALLY been embarrassing for us.

SO, getting back to George Hill…guh, wait a moment, here come some big guys who look like rebounders who can D it up. What’s that, Omer Asik? Ante Tomic? Sorry, I don’t speak Foreigner. Please, no talk to me, go dominate Euro leagues make many many Euros.

Man, I’m sorry, I don’t know what those guys were so worked up about. Like I was saying…George Hill, people! GEORGIE fucking HILL! There was a .0000003 chance Boston was going to take him with the 60^th pick! Good thing we got him locked in to a guaranteed contract and didn’t let him slide! HAHAHA!

1) HE WENT TO OOOEY-POOEY

Remember how I was talking about reality to start off this post? Here’s some MORE REALITY. I’m a sad, pathetic human. A large part of my job consists of watching college basketball games (as you may have guessed from my offer to work this fishy-sounding “NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP”). My favorite way to unwind from this stressful atmosphere is to go home and (you guessed it) watch more college basketball games. My favorite writer that I love reading recreationally is a guy who writes about mid-majors. It’s not really a stretch to say I KNOW MORE SHIT ABOUT COLLEGE HOOPS THAN ANYONE ON THE PLANET. (By the way, do you know you can watch all streamed Horizon League games online for free? It’s TRUE. We’re talking Valpo vs. Butler, people! That’s right, you can grab your laptop and make a TINKLE while you watch a game at HINKLE, WOO-HAHAHAHA!)

Here’s my point: I KNOW GEORGE HILL. I know him better than you do. I know him better than the Spurs do. I’ve seen the man play more than 99.99999% of America. Only an IUPUI season-ticket-holder would be more qualified to explain how bad he sucks.

IUPUI, by the way, is a STUPID team in the STUPID Summit League. I fucking know the Summit League too. You want some stupid Summit League facts off the top of my head? No? I’m telling you anyway. I know that Southern Utah is travel partners with Missouri-Kansas City (which is so legitimately STUPID it’s folly to even try to understand it – it’s like wondering why your conversation with a RETARD isn’t going anywhere). I know that PIG-FUCKING powerhouses like North Dakota State and South Dakota State are both only provisional Summit League members and won’t be NCAA tournament-eligible for another four years. I also know that Centenary College (of Louisiana), which boasts an enrollment of 1,000 or so, is in the SL, and I even know CC’s motto: “CENTENARY - WHERE WE MAKE DREAMS HAPPEN, IF YOUR DREAM IS FOR A SHITTY ATHLETE TO DATE-RAPE YOUR DAUGHTER.” I also know that fucking NED FLANDERS is the most famous alum from the conference (he went to Oral Roberts – the basketball JUGGERNAUT of the Summit League, by the way).

Oh, and I also know that IUPUI stands for Indiana-University-Purdue-University-Indianapolis (what? EXACTLY), and that natives call it “Oooey-Pooey.”

And I also know that it SUCKS.

And so does George Hill.

Top 5 Reasons Homer Simpson Is Probably Not as Retarded as You Think He Is.

Raptor Here with an abbreviated jury duty list.

Yea, I know he’s done an incredible amount of stupid things in his near 20 years on TV, but for every jump into Springfield Gorge,Homer Simpson a strange moment of brilliance that makes one think, “Maybe this guy isn’t absolutely retarded, he just chooses to be blithely unaware.”

Maybe I'm just grasping at straws, but I think he could be faking it.

5. This Quote: "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”-

Now it might sound like he’s just lazy, but really it’s to avoid the embarrassment and shame that comes along with failure. This takes a certain level of cognitive reasoning to arrive at this conclusion.

Now maybe Homer doesn’t know who Thomas Gray is, but I think he has a greater understanding of his little aphorism than anyone else in history. And, yes I mean you Peter Griffin, you aren’t unaware you are just retarded.

4. When he does try he has fairly high levels of success-

There are plenty of examples of this. When he worked as Hank Scorpio's head of the Nuclear Power Division his division was way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare departments (You Only Move Twice). He managed to start an elaborate booze smuggling ring when the town banned alcohol (Homer Vs, the 18th Amendment). He even stared down Mr. Burns to win back the union's dental plan (Last Exit to Spring Field).

3. He has innate musical talents.

There has been a connection made between people who develop musical abilities and improved intelligence. Homer has demonstrated on a number of occasions the ability to whip up thought out hit songs for the B Sharps (Homer's Barbershop Quartet), or little ditties for his daughter Lisa (The President Wore Pearls). He's even come up with songs on the fly (Two Bad Neighbors).


2. He has moments of incredible clarity-

Let's start small. When he's watching Marge in the musical version of Street Car Named Desire, he makes the connection between how Stanley treats Stella and how he has treated Marge (Street Car Named Marge). To make this mental leap between representation and reality, takes a cognitive ability well above retardation.

He has also displayed a high degree of mathematical problem solving when he decoded the secret messages his mom was leaving him in newspaper articles (My Mother The Carjacker).

1. He hates the Denver Broncos.

If you don't agree, you don't know anything about football.

Top 5 Americans

McBane here...and may God bless America.

5) Homer Simpson

I think we all recognize that he has to be in the top five, though I’m not really sure why...oh wait, now I remember it's because he's HOMER FUCKING SIMPSON. 'Nuff said. I mean sure, his contributions are minimal, his worldview is limited, and he is only somewhat endearing and usually only unintentionally funny, but doesn't that just really mean he’s the single purest personification of America ever?

4) Hugh Hefner

The manner in which Hefner has redefined the American Dream is breathtaking. Let’s think about this for a second. He started off as a respected journalist who decided to go into porn, and by all accounts everyone (even probably Gloria Steinem) seems to agree that he has made the right decision. He has created a magazine noteworthy for interviews and fiction, to the point where being a writer appearing in Playboy is seen as an honor. He’s also about 200 years old and has seven blond bimbo girlfriends in their early 20s at all times, and no one ever seems put out by that.

He’s also the only answer to the question “if you could be anyone, who would you be?” that no other American male will find fault with. Women may roll their eyes at this answer, but they only get about 11% as upset as they would be if a man said something remotely less incendiary, such as “Jesus Christ, Brittany Murphy is smoking hot.”

What Hefner (and Tony Soprano, I suppose) shows is that no matter what your vocation in America, you can still be imminently respected as a Great American at large. Now, no matter how you feel about the man personally, that’s undeniably still a pretty amazing accomplishment.

3) Hunter Hearst Helmsley

In addition to (obviously) being the greatest wrestler of all time, Triple H has proven himself to be a insightful thinker as well as a progressive, visionary philosopher. As his work here, here, here and here indicates, he may be a man with staunchly held morals and assertive beliefs, but he is also a man that understands the value of others’ viewpoints and the necessity of compromise.

May he one day lead us to a brighter, better tomorrow.

2) Bill Brasky

Notable for his hatred of irony and Mexicans (and for being half-Mexican), Brasky can perhaps best be understood as a sort of bizzaro Willy Loman. Admittedly, no one has ever sat down to fully document Brasky’s exploits, but even secondhand info suggests he’s brilliant, borderline revolutionary, and generally pretty unstoppable. He’s counted to infinity (twice). He’s used a live rattlesnake as a condom. He’s figured out a way to grow an extra arm (and keeps it in a vault). He also ate his bachelor cake without knowing there was a stripper in it (though I don't think it would have really made a difference if he did).

If you have a wife, Brasky has slept with her (and you’ve probably thanked him for it). If you’ve worked with Brasky, you’ve made a ton of money (and have done hard time in a Chinese prison). If you’ve hung out with Brasky, there’s at least a 70% chance that you’re dead. The still-alive Brasky himself has actually previously been declared officially deceased, famously coming back to life with the words “I NEED A DRINK.”

Even death can’t stop the man. Oh, and he once took a bubble bath with Bruce Jenner.

There’s nothing Brasky can’t do.

1) Chuck Yeager

All right. If Chuck Norris were a real person, he’d be Chuck Yeager. Yeager became a pilot in the Air Force during WW2, back when the Air Force was full of tough guys who basically sat on buckets of bolts with unstable drippy gasoline tanks underneath. WW2 actually also saw the Air Force fight other planes, something that seems absurd to us now, and Yeager was the first pilot to become an “ace in a day” – collecting five kills of enemy craft in 24 hours. He actually led (and leads) WW2 in enemy kills before the Krauts finally shot him down.

Then, behind enemy lines, he helped guerillas blow stuff up by building homemade bombs, a skill he had learned from his father (!), and he eventually made it back to the States, receiving about 500 medals, including the Bronze Star, Silver Star, and Diamond-Encrusted Platinum Nuts Star.

What kind of woman could tame Yeager? A woman named Glennis Dickhouse (!), that’s who, and she married Yeager back in the states as he flew experimental aircraft. After famous civilian pilot Slick Goodlin turned down 500K (this equates to roughly 12 trillion dollars today) to try and break the speed of sound, Yeager dunked Goodlin’s head in a dirty toilet (this is speculative), and told a bunch of physicists who said breaking the sound barrier was impossible to suck his big floppy donkey dick (significantly less speculative).

Yeager then broke the sound barrier even with two broken ribs he sustained after getting thrown from his horse in the desert a few days earlier (very possibly part of his daily commute). Then, when Scott Crossfield later went to Mach 2 (twice the speed of sound) and was about to be honored in a 50^th Anniversary of Flight Celebration as the fastest man alive, Yeager called the banquet and told them that pussy Crossfield would be calling in sick (also speculative), then got back in a plane and went to Mach 2.44.

Since then Yeager has spent his days being awesome and flying experimental aircraft, including one that set him on fire and partially burned his helmet to his head; after landing he removed it (and inadvertently much of his face with it) to go track down the damn ambulance (his face, tough bastard that it is, has largely recovered). Long past retirement age, Yeager currently makes exactly one (1) U.S. dollar a year (with benefits) to “consult” the Air Force, which we can guess means he still flies batshit-crazy airplanes that can fly into the future while other people his age waddle around in diapers.

Beat that, Chuck Norris.

Top 5 Anger Inducing Movies

Raptor here, vowing to try harder not to leave you only with the verbal diarrhea that are McBane rants and listings. You know you missed me. All 2 of you.

I’m returning to my roots here with this list, delving into the heart of film. More specifically I’m looking at things that make a movie bad vs. a movie that just pisses me off.

Now there are many layers of bad. My universe of movie ratings is a circular one. This means there is a possibility that a movie can in fact become so bad that it becomes good again. A classic example of this is the Transporter. But movies can be so bad they are bad again, each time they swing back down in to the bad zone they increase in badness exponentially. Sometimes this can make you angry. However anger levels are not always dependent upon the bad scale. An Inconvenient Truth makes me about 100x angrier than say Female Perversions (a #2 for another day) a movie that is about 1000 times worse. Angering movies get your blood boiling where you are indiscriminately angry at the filmmaker for wasting your time for the past two and a half hours. Angering films might be well made in some sense, but something about them just pisses the living crap out of you. Angering films make you wake up 2 days later in a pool of some random hobos blood.

5.Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace

Ok if the last 30 minutes of this are on I will watch it because the light saber battle between Darth Maul and Obi Wan is pretty fucking cool. But There are so many things that piss me off about this movie.

Why is it based around the most annoying child actor ever? Why is he teamed up with the most annoying CGI character ever created? Why do you have to explain the force, a metaphysical phenomena that had so many nerds believed in, with metachlorins a fact which is never really jived with the entirety of the first trilogy which allegedly happened in the future? Why did Lucas think it was a good idea to have a 19 year old Amidala fall in love with and 8 year old? Take his children away! Seriously. If he doesn’t see the problem with this there is something pedopheliacly wrong.

4. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

This is one of the examples of the bad movie vs anger inducing movie dichotomy crossing.

The Blair Witch Project was a movie that you either hated or loved. There was no middle ground. I was entranced by it, captured by the entire eerie children laughing, bizarre happenings, and swept up by the new use of side media/internet marketing. The backstory was pretty gripping….

Then I heard the writers had just been signed on to do two more films. How the hell would they keep this up for 2 more movies? Still I got suckered in to seeing this piece of crap. This movie tried to have a great twist ending like Shamalan. But where as Shamalan lets his twist reveal itself by not showing things and then coming as a revelation, this movie has the twist of telling us that everything you watched over the last hour and a half was a lie. One of the biggest middle fingers you could possibly give the audience.

3 .The Idiots-

Lars Von Trier, I’m at loss for words… and not in the good way. My roommate made me watch this movie in college (probably should have been the other way around since I was the film major and he was majoring in music or philosophy) because he was into the whole Dogma 95 thing. Even he hated it.

I’m struggling to recall exactly why I hated it so much, because I have blacked it out of my mind and fear that reopening it will cause me to do many bad things to many different people. There are just blurbs of people defecating and acting like jackasses to make everyone else feel awkward. I’m grinding my teeth right now just thinking of it.

2. The Happening-

I’d put spoiler alert but there’s nothing to spoil. There is no twist ending. It’s the fucking trees. I just saved you 10 bucks.

Now you might say, “Raptor this movie just came out, shouldn’t you wait and have some perspective?” The answer is resolutely no. I’ve waited a week to vent this movie. This movie was a massive disappointment in everyway. Trees killing humans? Why doesn’t anyone put on gas masks? That Army guy in the Humvee doesn’t have a chemical warfare kit?

I’ve been a fan of Shamaladingong for a while. His writing is often flawed, but you know what he does do a good job of creating suspense out of next to nothing. You can definitely pick his style out of a line up. With the exception of lady in the water if any of his movies come on ye olde boob tube come on I will sit there and watch them. But the happening is a bastion of failure. Trees killing people? Not scary. Even more maddening was the affair baited in front of us that turned out to be Zoey Daschenel eating dessert with a coworker. This movie could have been saved with a twist ending. Scratch that/ this movie demanded a twist ending. If it turned out to be an attack by the fucking water fearing aliens from Signs it would have been ok. There was no resolution, the happening just stopped happening. This is the blue balls of the movie going experience.

MNS you need to find youself a good screenwriter.

1. An Inconvenient Truth, Farenheit 911, Bowling for Columbine, Expelled, and any of the craptitude of other propaganda films masquerading as documentary films out there.

There is nothing that pisses me off more than people telling me how to think and thinking they are clever in there presentation. Every year we seem to get bombarded by one or two of these things and they just absolutely fill me with piss and vinegar. The debate is not settled. On the global scale, 2000 scientists does not a consensus make. And when did science become a fucking democracy?

Now I may have issue with some of the things this administration has done. I may think there are ways we could be more environmental. But these films show that both sides of the argument manipulate the data to their own advantage.

You know who else told people how to think? Goebbels, Hitler, and O’ Reilly. Do you really want to be in that group?

Top 5 Soccer Chants For Our U.S. Boys

McBane here, happily keeping up my posts, as promised, while Raptor works hard in his dungeon trying to discover a way to lick his own asshole.

2010 World Cup qualifying is underway for the U.S. I could try to explain to you how awesome soccer is, but odds are you’re probably just an ignorant cocksucker and it won’t do any good.

HOWEVER, for those of you that know it IS awesome, you also know we need to make things better for our boys. We get booed in our own country by Mexican fans who (probably) steal all the tickets for home games. On the road, crowds urinate on our guys from the stands and sing wonderful, classy ditties like “Osama Bin Laden” (singing is a big part of being a fan in soccer – it pains me that I have to explain this).

Meanwhile our guys get paid less than your friendly neighborhood chartered accountant to represent the world's most hated country in the world’s most popular sport, and the thanks they get is that assclowns like Jim Rome and once-respectable writers turned ridiculous gasbags like Tony Kornheiser and snarky cuntsnorting anchors on Sportscenter (this is actually the worst, since they are "objective") contribute to their financial well-being by making jerkass comments about them and soccer in general.

(Hey Costas, if guys with blogs like me - blogs that are a) clearly so subjective that anyone who mistakes them for journalism will never understand real journalism anyway and b) read by nobody - are doing more harm to print journalism than your 24-hour-a-day teevee buddies, then I'm a billion feet tall. Oh yeah, and if you ever compare Jim Nantz to Woodward and Bernstein again, I'm going to have to fucking punch you. I'll even fight Buzz Bissinger on this too if he stops howling at the moon long enough, I don't care how much I loved A Prayer for the City).

Wow, sorry, I blacked out for a minute...that segment still angers me in about 20 different ways.

Anyway, moving on...the least we can do is give our boys some better songs.

I’ve heard some version of all these songs for other teams, and I’ve adapted them for the U.S., in some cases changing the tune.

These are the Top 5…

5) “If You’re Happy and You Know It (Then Clap Your Hands)” – when Brian Ching screws up a scoring chance

Now this is, admittedly, kind of a mean song, but we really need to get him off the field. For the good of our country. England fans for example are very good at encouraging their team in this way, as "sack the twat" and "you let your country down" proves. (In fairness to English fans, though, I can't imagine ever having the stones to call out the Russians in Moscow. I think some of the guys from this video may be in several pieces right now. It makes me nervous just bringing it up.)

If Ching can play for us then so can I (CLAP CLAP),
If Ching can play for us then so can I (CLAP CLAP),
If Ching can play for us,
I won't say that he sucks,
But if Ching can play for us then so can I (CLAP CLAP).

4) “My Darling Clementine” – when destroying any CONCACAF foe (except Cuba, obviously, and probably Canada too, because that would be a hell of a disguise)

Are you Cuba,
Are you Cuba,
Are you Cuba, in disguise?
You flop and trip,
You're worthless shit,
Are you Cuba, in disguise?

(aren't you glad to find our now-irrational hatred of Cuba is still good for something?)

3) “Winter Wonderland” – when Carlos Bocanegra makes a useful play

There's only one…Bocanegra,
Only one…Bocanegra,
He used to be shite,
But now he's alright,
Living in a 'Negra wonderland

2) “Chim-Chiminey” – when Tim Howard, our badass keeper with Tourette’s (seriously), makes another brillant save

Tim timminy
Tim timminy
Tim Tim Tirooo
We've got Tim Howard
And he says GODDAMN FUCKING ASS MONKEYS!!! (or whatever you want to put in...see? disabilities can be fun!)

1) “Addams Family” – for use when playing Mexico (I must give credit to El Tricolor: they’re such big douchebags that hating them is genuinely honorable) - this must be sung LOUDLY, by the way

YOUR SISTER IS YOUR MOTHER
YOUR UNCLE IS YOUR BROTHER
YOU ALL FUCK ONE ANOTHER
AND YOU PLAY FOR EL TRI!
dum dum dum dum (CLAP CLAP)…

Adios, muchachos!

Top 5 Pretty Movies

McBane here. Turns out today’s list actually isn't just Raptor-baiting. No, this list is because the other day a friend of my brother’s asked me if I had seen Pan’s Labyrinth, and I responded “hell no,” with a secret inner voice asking, “why would I want to see that?”

Something about me was very disturbed by this response, and later on I sat down to think about it. This was my conclusion: what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I turning into a miserable old bastard or what? Pan’s Labyrinth is a great-looking, R-rated kiddie movie that got rave reviews. Why wouldn’t I want to see it? Am I immediately suspicious of any movie that looks visually impressive, because I’m worried it might be too pretentious or preachy? What’s the logic in that?

Here’s the thing with a pretty movie: no matter how I feel about the acting, or the characters, or the dialogue, going in I already know I will enjoy looking at it. Isn’t that kind of the main point of seeing a movie? I mean, if you just wanted to enjoy a story you could read a book. If you just wanted to see human interaction you could go to a play. If you just wanted to see moving pictures you could watch television. At their best, movies with great visuals can transcend reality and expand our imaginations; that’s kind of why they exist.

We don’t give enough credit for just being pretty anymore.

At least now I know which movies I want running on an endless loop when I get crippled and am confined to a hospital bed later in life. Here’s the list, with links to the trailers.

5) Dark City

Okay, now I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you Dark City is a better movie overall than The Matrix, but it does look shockingly better in comparison. The wise strategy to combine film noir with creepy aliens somehow creates a truly warped reality that just leaps off the screen for two hours. (That it’s never daytime also helps the continuity of the visuals and really pushes them over the top.) I mean again, I like The Matrix and all, it’s undoubtedly cooler in many ways and has more advanced special effects, but Dark City has a transcendental quality that makes you feel like you’re not just watching a film, but actually experiencing a weird sort of nightmare.

In a good way, though.

4) Sin City

All my movie pitches from now on are going to have titles with a negative modifier, followed by “City.” Death City. Toxic City. Eddie Murphy City. Unbeatable plan, right?

Anyway, watching Sin City is fascinating not just because the visuals are revolutionary, it’s because the actual experience of watching it somehow feels revolutionary as well (and not just because it’s nearly impossible to tell whether this is the either the most violently misogynstic movie you’ve ever seen, or if it’s really not very misogynstic at all – when it’s definitely one of the two). Viewing this movie is like somehow watching a comic book instead of reading it. Every frame pops off the screen, and the digital effects mean the laws of physics need not apply when something needs to look cool, which in turn means shots can look great even if they have: a) the (unexpectedly) severed heads of several notable female characters stuffed and mounted on a wall (by the way, who the fuck did the taxidermy?) or b) Elijah Wood.

And that’s pretty damn amazing.

(Note: I’m not one for censorship, and I hate to sound squeamish, but hopefully in light of this movie we can respectfully agree that we’ve reached the appropriate level of gotcha!-unexpected-dead person-head-stuffed-and-mounted-on-wall shots necessary for American cinema to survive. Perhaps we can stick pet wolf-snacking-on-living person-severed limb shots on the list as well. And ripping-off-gigantic-yellow-male-genitalia shots too. Oh, and Elijah Wood. Also, there…actually…just forget I said anything. We could be here all day.)

3) Hero

A lot of the ingenuity behind the look of Hero comes out of the different circumstances that would motivate people to create a story like this. Unlike the monolithic Hollywood of the past, our present reality allows non-Americans a budget and a voice, and we are presented stories like this, that seem almost alien to our culture.

Hero is an intriguing movie on a lot of emotional levels - love, longing, ambition, dedication – and overlaid on all of that is a kind of a trancelike meditation on what the true reality of the narrative may (or may not) be, which really informs all the visuals throughout (though of course American trailers feel obligated to portray this movie as a straight-on revenge flick).

This meditation creates a kind of juxtaposition between what we think movie images are supposed to be like and what they actually are in this movie. In America, for example, rarely do we think of violence in a movie as possessing the capacity for elegance, but luckily the Chinese know better. Just about every shot here is graceful and smooth, which is always in line with the tone of the movie, no matter what type of situation is unfolding on the screen at the time.

This may not sound like a ringing endorsement, but the movie really is astonishingly captivating; watching it is like taking some kind of drug that combines the best parts of acid and weed, in that your mind is bent while you stay mellow.

2) The Cell

This is a movie that is hard to take seriously at times, probably because it’s impossible to conceive of Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughn as sincere humans anymore. What’s good for us is that Vincent D’Onfrio gives a staggeringly great performance as a man with a truly fractured mind, and he keeps your own mind off Lopez and Vaughn while they’re inside his. (The scene with the horse, which I won’t ruin for you, may honestly be the most shocking visual memory I can recall from my entire life. Eat it, Sin City. This is no small achievement.)

True creativity is rare; it’s hard to think of things no one has seen before, but this movie accomplishes just that, in spades (usually very disturbingly). If there was even more of it, I definitely would have put The Cell at number one (with a bullet), but unfortunately too much of the running time is wasted outside of people’s heads.

1) What Dreams May Come

On paper this seems like it should be a pretty fantastic flick. Essentially, the plot hook is constructed like this: dorky doctor falls in love with amazing beautiful Swiss woman (note: I did not fact-check this, the character may be Italian or Greek or something else with an accent that makes her sexy). The two get married, have two kids, life is perfect. Then: their kids die in a car accident. Later on, the good doctor himself is hit by a car and dies while stopping to help a woman who is, herself, horribly injured in a car wreck. (Note to self: start riding the subway.)

Anyway, the doc and the kids are all happy, populating their little corners of Heaven. (If it seems like they don’t hang out a whole bunch, maybe it’s because they don’t need to; this is Heaven, after all.) The wife falls into a deep depression (actually, let’s capitalize it – Depression – even more heart-wrenching to see than you’d expect, because she was a rare Very Happy Foreign Person). Eventually, after a long period of suffering, she kills herself and goes to Hell. Still madly in love, the doctor risks losing eternal bliss in Heaven to try and rescue her, which sounds difficult and stressful and compelling.

Smashingly grand idea, isn’t it? It’s so simple, why hadn’t anyone thought of it before? The problem is, it’s also obviously a very ambitious idea, and as I remember it, the movie doesn’t really deliver. The unfortunate irony is that this has nothing to do with the visuals (and, alas, probably everything to do with the casting of Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding, Jr.; my kingdom for Russell Crowe and Forrest Whitaker. Oh yeah, and it must be said that a lot of the dialogue is kind of lazy too.)

The visuals are compelling, stunning, bizarre, wonderful; it’s like a roller coaster ride through art history, from Monet to Michelangelo, from kitsch (in a good way) to Bosch. It’s not too terribly difficult to conceive of terrible visual images for Hell, but there are generally pretty high expectations to meet, and the stuff here is great – Hell is like a fuller, vaster Bosch painting, horrifying and spooky, dealing more with inner torture and anguish than anything. The images of Heaven are a revelation, since it’s exceptionally hard to do Heaven in movies. Having part of Heaven consist of a series of the wife’s oil paintings, for example (with plants actually made of paint) is a brilliant masterstroke. Other parts of Heaven may seem campy at first glance, but the visuals are treated sincerely, which is very intelligent for the movie, because who cares if it looks campy? Campy stuff can look good too, and since there’s no need for cynicism in Heaven, what does it matter if it looks campy?

When I first saw the largely wordless, very arresting three-minute trailer for this film, I think I was captivated as I’ve ever been by a trailer; the images were (and are) that good. Originally I was going to put this lower on the list (about four), but frankly I couldn’t think of a good reason why, except because it’s (probably) not as good overall as the other movies on this list.

Then I thought to myself, am I really so shallow that I would place substance over style?

Luckily, no. I have too much integrity.

Top 5 Underrated Presidents

Top 5 Underrated Presidents

Raptor here. I'm back.

Everyone knows George Washington was a badass. He stood 300 feet high and urinated on General Cornwallis until he couldn’t take it anymore. Feeling lusty after said golden shower, he then went on to sire America after spilling his seed into the Atlantacific Ocean (side note this is also why the Ocean tastes salty). After two awesome terms as President he retired to the hills of Montana or somewhere, sat down upon a giant granite hill, and became one with the land. He later allowed Lincoln, TRoose, and, begrudgingly, Tommy Jefferson to hang out with him. One day, when our country sees its darkest day, Washington and co. will rise again to lead us into the future.

But what of all those other Presidents who don’t sit at the side of Overlord Washington. Did they all suck? The answer is yes. Some of them like William Henry Harrison should only be remembered for dying. But a few sucked less than others. Here’s a list of some of the lesser remembered President’s who should get more airplay.


5. Grover Cleveland-

I gotta give Grover credit. He was able to convince the American people to elect him twice. Non-consecutively. He’s the only one who has pulled off that feat.

Notable things that occurred during his tenure: He modernized the Navy, ended the treasuries dependence upon silver, and married a 21 year old hottie. Who can argue with that.

4. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Yea people in the 1940’s and 50’s liked Ike, but somehow he gets overshadowed by that pesky kiddo who assumed the presidency after him. Eisenhower Pushed out the Federal Interstate Highway Act of 1956. Think your daily commute sucks now? Imagine not being able to hop in you car and cruise down I-10, I-90 or the I-5. Highways should be enough to get him on this list, but he also oversaw the end of the Korean War and the beginning of racial integration. Who sent in the National guard to guard the Little Rock 9? Eisenhower. Who pushed the founding of NASA? Eisenhower.

3. Harry S Truman

Truman was pretty unpopular during his tenure. In fact he was the most unpopular president ever at the time according to polls. But it wasn’t always shit popcicles and piss-cones for Harry. He had his moments.

He’s the only person ever to actively use nuclear weapons in war time. And no matter what any one says, it probably saved a lot of American and Japanese lives. Even the Japanese emperor said so.

Other things he pushed through include initiation of the UN, supporting the Marshall Plan, integrating the military, and kept west Berlin from falling to the Russians.


2. Tricky Dick Nixon

I know what you are probably thinking. “But Raptor, this guy was a real paranoid fuckstick who made enemy lists and nearly tore this nation asunder.” And yea that’s partially true. But at the same time he was one of the best foreign policy presidents we’ve ever had. Hell, I’d almost go so far as to say if you could have combined LBJ’s domestic side with his foreign policy side, eliminated both of there paranoid tendencies you would have the best president ever.

Contrary to what seems to be popular perception, Nixon was the one who got us out of Vietnam. He also masterfully eased tensions with China with his Ping Pong diplomacy, prevented a larger conflict from occurring in the Yom Kippur War, and swung Egypt from a mostly Soviet backed state to more of a first world state. To everyone who calls him a war monger, he was the first president to sit down and hammer out an arms treaty with the Russians.

So yea, maybe he was a paranoid asshole, but the man did do a lot for this country.

1. James K Polk-

Most of you are probably wondering who the hell is James K Polk? The rest of you have probably heard his praises sung, quite literally, by They Might Be Giants.

Let’s start by saying Polk was probably the most efficient president ever. He had a list of four goals he wanted to accomplish and by gum, he got them done. That list was:
-Re-establish the Independent Treasury system
-annex the Oregon Territory
-reduce tarrifs
-purchase California.

Check, Check, Check, and Check minus. I mean he got California, but it took a war. But he gets credit for getting what he wanted, no matter what. About the only thing he failed at was trying to buy Cuba from Spain.

If we could reanimate his dead corpse, I would vote for zombie Polk.

Top 5 Necessary Scenarios to Drop the F-Bomb

McBane here, reminding you that I’m your brain, and Raptor is your brain on drugs.

This holiday weekend saw me get in a terrific argument with one of my relatives regarding her total disgust with the implementation of the f-word. (The f-word being either “funny,” or “fun.” Ha ha. Just kidding auntie.) She was saying it was never appropriate and that she had never, in fact, even used it (uh-huh); I was arguing in some cases it’s actually bad if you don’t bring an f-blast.

As it turns out, I was right, of course. Allow me to illustrate the finest examples for this argument.

5) You Have Just Accidentally Betrayed Your Country

There’s no such thing as underselling here; in America, treason is still punishable by death, so you want to make f-ing sure everyone knows that your devastating nation-dooming betrayal was merely a faux pas. This requires a significant amount of sincerity.

I mean, what if you said, “oh, pussyfeathers!” Would people take you seriously? Would they believe you? Can you be sure that Philby or Ames or Hanssen didn’t say the same thing?

No, you can’t. You really need to go for broke here. Hurry up and drop the goddamn f-bomb!

4) You Have Just Been Informed That Your Current Death Match Opponent is Immortal

A couple of reasons for this one. One is that an f-bomb might be the only thing that would convince your opponent to let you out of the fight; indeed, an f-bomb, said with enough fury, implies that some asshole (probably Raptor) lied to you about the circumstances, and that it wouldn’t be sporting to fight you under false pretense. (A surprising number of immortals tend to be honorable. Also, this may encourage your opponent to let you replace yourself with Raptor.)

Additionally, an f-bomb suggests true unexpected surprise. Something like “aw, gee whiz” sounds kind of whiny, and is not very persuasive. Not only is no one going to let you out of a fight for sounding whiny, but you also don’t want those to be your last words if you do end up having to fight the immortal bastard.

An f-bomb looks much better on a tombstone.

3) A Dinosaur Has Just Disemboweled You

If a dinosaur has just disemboweled you, you have multiple problems. First of all, you’re either lost in the distant past or in Jurassic Park. Neither scenario is promising. You’re also probably semi-isolated, if not totally alone; on top of that you’re probably in shock and holding your intestines in your hands, which means that even if you do find some miraculous way to get rid of the dinosaur that is attacking you, you’re not even close to being out of the woods.

Here’s what makes things worse: if you’re in this situation, any people that you may be grouped with (or talking on the phone to) are probably people with problems of their own. You really need to get them to sit up and take notice if you want some help on this one, so that they know just what a totally f-ed situation you’re in.

2) You Are Lost In the Void of Space

All right, buster, this is the deal: the point of being alive is to do things. Try stuff. Otherwise why be alive? You could be dead and accomplish the same agenda.

If you’re lost in the void of space, the list of new things you could try is pretty short. Dropping an f-bomb is probably tops on it. And who knows? Maybe you might just like it. Who wouldn’t want to enjoy the last few minutes of life as much as possible?

I mean, guess there are other things you can try too. You can take off your helmet and try to see if you’re secretly a superhero who can brave absolute zero with no problems, for example.

But I’d recommend dropping the f-bomb first.

1) You Have Just Been Visited by Your Future Self and Been Told You Are Gay and Will Live Forever

This reminds me, Raptor, when I was at the store this weekend I ran into a guy who I thought was your grandpa.

Turns out he had some bad fucking news.

Top 5 Theoretical Cover Songs That Would Improve Your Reality

McBane here.

I’d like to take a moment to congratulate myself: only four posts in, and I’ve got Raptor worked up enough to respond to something I said.

I guess I could defend myself by saying that since most people haven’t taken calculus, they are probably unfamiliar with “i.” Thus, I felt the only reason someone would include it on a Top 5 list (as Raptor did) would be to snarkily insinuate vast intelligence by suggesting an ease with complex math. (Full disclosure: Raptor ground out a D in calculus. Nice work buddy. I got an A. But I digress.) I also enjoyed how Raptor failed to reach the logical conclusion of his own argument: negative “i” (which can be achieved through cubing “i,” for example) is nine times cooler than “i” anyway. This is all getting a little heavy, which I think proves my point that no one gives a shit about the number "i." (Certainly not my good friend Bob the Angry Flower, who has a few choice words for Raptor and his research team.)

Moving on: you may have noticed a pervasive trend that has long been underway in music, in which bands that cover songs tend toward remaking songs that were already good. The jury is mixed on this process. For the simple-minded, like Raptor, I would imagine all reinventions are probably equally “cool.” To me, this just seems plain distracting and wasteful. For example, I can’t listen to Otis Redding’s “Hard to Handle” or The Black Crowes’ cover of such without wishing I was listening to the other.

As a result, two things that are good cancel each other out. What makes more sense is if a band reinvents a terrible song that is already popular, so that hopefully at one point the old version will no longer hold any significance. (Again, part of my goal to make the world a better place.)

Let us then take a look at the top five tracks where the original performance could hopefully be eradicated from existence by brave Zeitgeist-slaying artists.

5) Gogol Bordello – Oasis’ “Wonderwall”

Oasis teems with contradictions. While the Gallagher brothers are almost universally regarded as megalomaniacal morons, at the same time it’s difficult not to respect them (at least Noel - Liam really has no talent); they act like rock stars should. Yet their music doesn’t really…rock.

Yeah, they have some good songs. “Don’t Look Back in Anger” is, with no qualification, possibly one of the greatest songs ever (nice job, Noel; very good work sticking Liam on the tambourine). But they’re pop. And that’s cool. Except when it’s not.

“Wonderwall,” for instance, is Liam at his most whiny, most nasal, and least subtle. (Sure, the lyrics aren’t too terrible - Noel wrote it, after all - but the song even has fucking strings in it, for Christ’s sake.) This of course means that for every woman of a certain age period, it is immediately evocative of deeply meaningful girl-to-young-woman transformative experiences that she probably never actually had.

So - why not destroy the ability to make that connection? The undeniably brilliant bastards of Gogol Bordello (I gladly would sacrifice a testicle – one of Raptor’s, most likely - to see them live) would probably be happy to do it, as this band of (literally) gypsies has a joyfully propulsive, schizophrenic sound that would gladly wipe away the gloomy romantic melancholy of Oasis while laying down a pretty badass track. Just a quick whiff of their “American Wedding” will suggest how quickly Oasis could be reduced to ridiculous.

Wonderwall, my eye.

4) Marilyn Manson – The Rembrandts’ “I’ll Be There For You”

What’s worse than having to watch a shitty chick show with your female friends? Having to watch it in syndication AGAIN and AGAIN.

The Rembrandts are (of course) the force behind the annoying theme song to the show “Friends,” but first let me tell you a couple of stories that illustrate why this Manson cover is such a good idea. They both involve sex in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant.

Stay with me.

One time Raptor and I were with some friends at a Mexican grease pit and he made an, um, pit stop. He came out and told us with great delight that there were people doing the nasty in there – he was legitimately amused.

Some months later, I went to the bathroom at the same place, and the same thing was happening – but hey, there was another stall and I had to urinate. The bathroom-fuckers took care of their business while I was taking care of mine. None of us were discouraged enough to change our plans, and soon I had finished and was on my way.

Here’s my point – socially, nothing really knocks us off our stride anymore. We’ve been pretty much desensitized to everything. Raptor was enthused but indifferent. I was resigned but indifferent. I don’t know what the people screwing in the dirty bathroom stall were thinking, but I doubt that they were the neurotic type.

This is what makes Manson so remarkable; I’ve never even met him in person and yet in this day and age he somehow manages to make my skin prickle, and just about everyone I know feels the same way. Now, if you heard him do a Rembrandts cover, could you imagine ever wanting to watch “Friends” again? I’m betting against it. And I bet your real friends would feel the same way.

That’s right, gentle reader, your days of being forced to watch syndicated “Friends” episodes could be over. (Plus this could be a legitimately entertaining cover, which would make up for Manson’s "Sweet Dreams” tripe.) The only hurdle is: one of us is going to have to be brave enough to bring it up with Manson.

You had better go first.

3) Girl in a Coma – Bob Dylan’s “Like a Rolling Stone”

“Like a Rolling Stone” is probably the best Dylan song that hasn’t had a great cover (thanks to my buddy El Torcho for pointing this out – also, it should be noted that the Hendrix cover of course doesn’t count, because you can only do one cover of an artist that counts).

Obviously, this lack of countable covers needs to change. Dylan songs are never great until covered, yet it seems like artists who have covered Dylan already come from every corner of the map. You have your aforementioned Hendrix with one of the Top 5 actual covers of all time (“All Along the Watchtower”), your Clapton (“Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door”), your GNR (same), your Rage Against the Machine (“Maggie’s Farm”), your Pearl Jam (“Masters of War”), your unavailable-on-YouTube Norah Jones (“I’ll Be Your Baby Tonight”), your equally unavailable-on-YouTube Indigo Girls (“Tangled Up in Blue”) etc. etc. etc.

What we need is an artist from the “Here Be Monsters” region.

Enter Girl in a Coma. Girl in a Coma (which smartly signed with Joan Jett’s label - Jett of course has a Top 5 actual cover of her own in “Love is All Around”) is one of the better bands you don’t listen to; they don’t get a lot of pub, since industry execs seem to agree that just don’t have the right look to be rock stars (read: they’re fat in weird places). Yet Girl in a Coma is borderline heroic; Both Before I’m Gone is essentially a Smiths album people can enjoy listening to. (“Road to Home” and “Clumsy Sky” being two of the album’s most noteworthy tracks.)

Phanie Diaz is a lethal lyrical lesbian assassin, and her reinterpretation of Dylan’s lyrics would bring a brand new kind of cover to the Dylan stable; along with her band’s transcendental Tejano-tinged cow-punk-funk, a new song could be created where Diaz as jilted and pissed off lover would eviscerate her ex and then snarkily explain to her how bad it must feel to have just been emotionally disembowled.

And you thought you knew all there was to know about Dylan.

2) Lady Sovereign - Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend”

Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend” is quite possibly the worst song ever made. I say this with a grudging admiration; it’s easy to make boring songs, or irrelevant ones, but to make truly terrible ones requires both naked ambition and misguided dedication, in copious amounts.

Consider Ms. Lavigne’s most atrocious couplet: “she’s like so whatever / you could do so much better.” This brings back memories of grade school, where one of your little sister’s grubby little friends is always coming on to you, in her unconscious quest to get someone to steal her sunshine by the eighth grade.

While Lavigne can only appear precocious and pathetic, Lady Sovereign can appear both precocious and punishing. “Tango” is a blistering rap-smack track, while also incredibly brave; the good Lady is perhaps the first artist in history to try and rhyme the word “orange” throughout her chorus. “Hoodie” also illustrates her personal integrity through her annoyance with fashion. She isn’t envious, or necessarily even judgmental of fashion and its converts; she just wants to get away from classification and have a good time. Awww.

Think about Lavigne’s couplet again. Now consider how Lady Sovereign would rap this to you. It raises questions. Is she really pining after you? Or is she really just overtly mocking you? Wait a second…is she maybe doing both at once?

The realization that you can’t really tell suddenly kind of makes her seem like a girl that it might be fun to make it with, even if she is just one of your little sister’s grubby friends. And it would suddenly make this song not only cool, but cool by a factor of nine.

1) Cypress Hill - Charlotte Sometimes’ “How I Could Just Kill a Man”

Counterintuitive? You bet. But here’s the thing that brought this on: I don’t watch VH1 or MTV. I have no idea what’s popular or not. While trawling through YouTube, I inadvertently came on Ms. Sometimes’ song and thought: oh my God. A fake emo Jewish girl from New York doing a cover of Cypress Hill’s “How I Could Just Kill a Man." This will be indisputably brilliant!

This is the danger of not keeping up with pop culture. I listened to the song and found out the horrible truth. NOT ONLY is it not a cover, but it rips off two of the lines from Cypress Hill’s chorus. This was perhaps the greatest disappointment I’ve experienced this decade. I also feel embarrassed that Sometimes thought this was acceptable. It’s the sonic equivalent of star basketball player/high school graduate/possible sociopath Kobe Bryant watching Kill Bill and nicknaming himself “The Black Mamba,” like no one knew what the fuck he was talking about.

It raises the question: why should Sometimes even bother now to try to fix things by trying to do a cover? Her heart’s obviously not in it. Wouldn’t it be cooler if Cypress Hill did a cover of HER song, reclaiming what is already obviously theirs? I mean, Cypress Hill kind of has to throw down over this, don’t they? In their genre, bitches [sic] have gotten shot over things like this. Suge Knight (probably) hung Vanilla Ice out of a 20^th-story balcony and demanded royalties for what was a lesser offense.

If Cypress Hill did do a Sometimes cover, they could a) prove to anyone who doesn’t understand already that they’re nine times cooler than Sometimes by any sort of human standard and b) they could openly use the media hype surrounding the cover as an avenue to declare a street war on Sometimes and her crew. The resulting fallout would be the new Srebrenica.

I don’t know what more you could ask for out of a cover.

Top 5 Supporting Characters Who Were Better Than The Main Characters

Raptor here. Have you ever watched a show and thought, "Man, why'd they base this show around that guy?" Than his wisecracking best friend pops up intermittently and you're like, "This guy is awesome, he needs his own show."

No? You turn the channel? You don't subject yourself to such masochistic pain?

Well fine you jerks.

5. Roger from American Dad-

This is another show I think could use some tuning up. The main character Stan is kind of a one joke wonder. Roger, however, always seems to bring a smile to my face. He’s definitely more well rounded than any of the other characters.

He consistently seems to have the best sub plot of the show. Using foster kids as slave labor? Awesome. Peddling Steve to a bunch of Drug Dealers while convincing him that he’s actually been accepted to Hogwarts Brilliant.

4. Quagmire from Family Guy

By far and away the most one dimensional of all the characters I’m picking, he still get’s a better rise outta me (giggity giggity) than Peter Griffin. Sure he’s a one joke wonder, but man is he devoted to it. Plus don’t we all have at least one member of our entourages out there who’s somewhat the wanna be man whore that is Quagmire?

3. Carl Brutananadilewski from Aquateen

Carl is what Makes Aquateen Hunger Force work. Let’s face it, if you were neighbors with a bunch of anthropomorphic food items who constantly destroyed your stuff, you’d be surly and pissed all the time.

Out of all the characters on this list he is the one who is most like me. He’s got an amazing porn collection, few goals in life, and digs Foreigner. And who doesn’t love sweatpants?

2. Mr. Burns fromb The Simpsons

23 Skidoo! Not only is Mr. Burns evil, he’s so evil he thinks evil is good. And really what’s more evil than that. Beyond that, he’s a delightful anachronism. He’s always spouting off 1920’s street lingo, despite being young enough to fight in World War II. Then again he was also depicted in a 16^th century woodcarving scaring children.

I have a theory that he’s actually an evil Dr. Who, but he’s stuck with this form so long he’s gotten Alzheimer’s and forgotten to change bodies.

1. Roger from That 80’s Show

Back in the simpler days of college when I wasn’t blasting braincells with booze or Perfect Dark, my mind was always under the perilous assault of bad TV shows. I mean bad. I would intentionally find them out, then try and find out what made them tick. That 80’s Show was amongst the worst. Yet, I was strangely drawn to it. Every week McBane and I would both sit and watch this trainwreck. For 13+ weeks. The two main characters were godawfully sad and pathetic. I only remember the girls name because the guy made up some horrible song about her called “Tuesday day after Monday.” Which was funny in the trying to be bad so it’s funny kinda way, but the whole show was really bad and funny in the unintentionally funny kind of way. Except for Roger and the dad.

None of the other actors seemed to believe what they were saying. Roger the Asian best friend whose renting the room above the garage (wow how many sitcom cliché’s can you fit into one character) seemed to actually put himself into character. He also realized that the key to comedy was being funny.

In one of the few times McBane and I have ever agreed, we decided if they had made the show about Roger the show would have been 1000% better. I started wishing that some horrible accident would occur killing off Tuesday and her boyfriend, leaving us with just Roger and the father (played by the usually awesome Geoff Pierson of the show Unhappily Ever after). Sure it would have been like basing an entire show on an Asian Kelso and materialistic Red Foreman, but that could work. It really could.