Top 5 Endearingly Goofy-but-Evil Movie Villains

Heroes are for losers. Everyone knows the best part of the movie is the villain. Generally, a villain can go in one of two directions: the secretly endearing, pathetically goofy route, or the pure evil route. Buy why not both? It takes courage to be both dorky and evil. These villains all manage it.

5) Dr. Evil - Austin Powers

Dorky by nature, evil by training. But he’s a quick learner.

ICONICALLY DORKY LINE: “We hold the world ransom for…ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

ICONICALLY EVIL LINE: “We hold the world ransom for…one…hundred…BILLION DOLLARS!”

4) Ghostface Stu – Scream

One-half of the killer bastards, the ever-annoying Matthew Lillard sometimes strikes just the right note here. Only good performance of his career.

ICONICALLY DORKY LINE: “My mom and dad are gonna be so mad at me!”

ICONICALLY EVIL LINE: “I always had a thing for ya, Sid!”

3) Owen Davian – Mission: Impossible: III

The Pillsbury Doughboy is spot on with the indifferent sociopath.

ICONICALLY DORKY LINE: “Do you think I’m playing? You don’t think I’ll do it?”

ICONICALLY EVIL LINE: “We put an explosive charge in your head…does that sound familiar?”

2) Jackie Boy – Sin City

Crooked, sleazy cop; in a movie full of terrible shit, he has the worst day of anybody. But despite being overmatched at every turn, never loses his swagger or bats an eye.

ICONICALLY DORKY LINE: “I’ve had me one hell of a bad day…I’ve been beat up every time I turn around.”

ICONICALLY EVIL LINE: “You’re gonna love this, baby.”

1) Khan – Star Trek: II

The two greatest over-actors of all time collide: William Shatner and Ricardo Montelban. What’s not to like?

ICONICALLY DORKY LINE: “KIRK!!!!”

ICONICALLY EVIL LINE: “KIRK!!!”

Top 5 Make Out Songs

Raptor here, crushing the proletariat.

Ok fellas, you’re cruising home from a date with a hottie and you’re fumbling through the old iPod for something to set you up for the final lip lock. So many choices! Some are easy to eliminate right off the bat (“Dead Skin Mask,” by Slayer comes directly to mind (Trust me guys in the off chance that she does get all hot and bothered by that song, be afraid, be very afraid)). Others are sneaky, because they are a bit too overt in their babymaking intent. For example Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” will probably get you a severe laughing at (although Tenacious D’s “Fuck Her Gently” is sooooo purposely humorously overt, that it works like Sex Panther. 60% of the time it works every time.

By now you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Oh wise Raptor, I beseech thee. Bestow upon me your divine wisdom of make outery.” Don’t worry olde English dude. I’m here to help.

5. Your Song- Ewan McGregor

Fact: Women Love Musicals
Fact: Women Love Ewan McGregor
Musicals. McGregor. Battlestar Galactica…or something like that.


4. Such Great Heights- Iron & Wine

Sung so softly and scratchily, Iron & Wine puts himself out there so you don’t have to. Perfect.


3. Satellite- Mika

I’ve discussed this song here. It’ll get you some lip action, if she’s not overwhelmed to tears by the beauty of it.


2. Every Breath You Take- The Police

This one I don’t get, but it works.

It shows most people (women) don’t really know what’s going on in songs.

She’ll hear, “I really care for you, and want to be a part of your life.”

She won’t hear the whole, “I’m a stalker and want to wear your skin as a disguise.”
…Maybe “Dead Skin Mask” is more of a panty dropper than I thought. Probably not.


1.If I Should Die Tonight- Marvin Gaye

I know I said Marvin could be a bit too overt, but damn he’s smooth. Really, Gaye should dominate this list. You could effectively make out to his rendition of the Star-spangled Banner. Now that’s smooth.

So What clinched this song? It uses the whole live for today, because you never know what tomorrow might bring cliche amazingly effectively. That and it's coupled with added subtext that it's especially true for Marvin Gaye because if you can get shot by your father, anything is possible. And Have I mentioned he's smooth.

I’m not gay, but I might be gay for Gaye.

Top 5 Time-Wasting Internet Applications

McBane here. The one-two combo of computer connectivity issues and real-life obligations (Madden’s release day not least among them) have recently hampered our collective ability to post irrelevant tripe.

Should we consider these mitigating factors to be (as most people would) subtle cues from the universe to go out and ply our wares in the world, seeking at least some hint of meaningful purpose?

Luckily, no. We are, after all, made of tougher stuff than that.

Today’s list in fact may help you to be more like us; you, of all people, must admit that sometimes the urge strikes you to go on the internet and accomplish absolutely nothing…interactively.

But how best to give in to these urges?

Just leave it to the experts. I’ve got you covered.

5) Subservient Chicken

Kind of a spooky webcam thing going on here. This Burger King chicken is responsive to your commands, and knows just enough to make you keep checking to see what else he knows. Some of my favorite commands I’ve tried that work include THROW A TOUCHDOWN, FREAK OUT, MEDITATE, PLAY AIR GUITAR, SHOOT A THREE, MOONWALK, and DO KARATE.

However, the chicken appears unable to TRAVEL THROUGH TIME.

4) Interactive Electoral Map

This is dangerously close to educational, but really it has no practical effect on your life unless you’re working for a presidential campaign. Go back and see how close we were to never having George W. Bush be president! Try to create ties in the electoral college and create a constitutional crisis! It’s frighteningly easier than you might think! Wheeeeee!

3) Falling Sand

Strangely addictive. There is an absolutely perfect song for it, linked here, which must be constantly played on a loop while playing the game; if this song/app combo doesn’t send Raptor into a coma, then I don’t know anything.

2) Bally Shot

Fire at basketballs. Point and click. Beat your score. Great mascot. Time wasted.

1) Ridiculous Hypotheticals

How better could you waste the day at the work talking online with your friends? (Just a reminder: remember all those starving children in Gambia and you'll enjoy your irrelevance even more. Getting paid to do nothing and enjoy air-conditioning? You're living the dream, gentle reader!)

Top 5 Muppets With Bonus Pop Culture Psycho Analysis

Raptor here with a severe case of Bond eye.

OK, I know it’s been a while since I last posted. But you know things in life come up. Like Madden.

Yes that means I chose a week of utter and complete frustration rather than posting for your (all 2 of you) enjoyment.

Everyone loves the Muppets. But can they be ranked? Does choosing a favorite muppet say anything inherent about your personality? The answer to both of these questions is undoubtedly yes.

5. Animal

Animal is unquestionably the coolest of all the Muppets, so much so that if this list was Top 5 coolest Muppets he would not only be #1 he’d be 2-5 as well. But alas it’s not. How does Animal achieve his coolness? Much like Captain Kirk, Animal is the embodiment of Freud’s Id. Sex, drugs, food; Animal knows what he wants and gets it.

What it says about you if Animal is your favorite Muppet:

Also much like the fans of Captain Kirk, you were probably a super nerd as a child. You didn’t so much identify with the character as idolize his basal nature. Sure you consoled yourself in your books and your 24 sided die, but that was just to distract you from your lack of physical stimulation.

4. Statler And Waldorf


Why do they share this spot? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that behind that balcony they’re Siamese twins attached at the hip.

Most of us look to our elders for guidance or at the very least boring stories about the good old days that have no point and nothing to do with the conversation you were originally having. Statler and Waldorf provide none of that. They are very direct in there hatred for everything, and they love it. Always first to criticize, and they are the last word in every conversation.

What it says about you if Statler and Waldorf are your favorite Muppets:

You are a dick. There is no way around it. You probably sit back and comment snarkily about everyone and everything. But you probably don’t do it nearly as articulately as the talking hotels. You probably anonymously spam any message board you can find telling people how dumb they are for getting you’re and your mixed up. Fuck you grammar Nazi.

3. Fozzie

Fozzie is a dreamer, and one who actively pursues his dreams. However he is horrible at what he does. It get’s him down for a bit, but he keeps coming back for more punishment. I always kind of had this level of admiration/pity for the guy. But he’s so damn likable because he’s nice.

What it says about you if Fozzie is your favorite Muppet:

You probably have a band who plays various local gigs but never really gets a big following, because, well, you suck. Oh maybe you know your shit, and can rock out some power cords and keep time on that drum, but you lack that certain “it” factor.

That big break you keep talking about while your friends just keep smiling and nodding? Not coming.


2. Kermit

Yea, Kermie and the Foz can pull some ass.

It’s impossible not to like Kermit. He keeps everyone and everything together. If it wasn’t for him, the gang would have killed each other long ago. Kermit seems to be the only one grounded in reality in Muppetom. Sure he gets a little down at times, but he has a pragmatism that helps him function.

What it says about you if Kermit is your favorite Muppet:

You are probably a big lynchpin to your social group. You aren’t the biggest personality or talk the most, but you are the voice of reason and the one to talk your friends out of doing stuff that is completely idiotic and dangerous. Especially friends who’s favorite Muppet is…

1. Gonzo

Everyone’s favorite weirdo. He’s a huge daredevil, doesn’t mind doing things that creep people out, and is a total hit with the chicks. Of course they are literally chickens, but that’s besides the point. Much like Fozi, he is really bad at what he does. Unlike Fozi he’s completely unaware of his failures.

What it says about you if Gonzo is your favorite Muppet:

You are probably me.

Top 5 Frightening People Who Have Physically Touched Me

McBane here. We apologize for the technical difficulties and now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

Now, where was I…

5) Raptor

Blogmate Raptor, candidly seen in real life (artist's rendering).

Profile: Potential pedophile. Recreational murderer (speculative but likely). 3-1 favorite to be penciled in as cause of death on my autopsy report.

In all fairness Raptor really shouldn’t be this high, but I wanted to populate this list with recognizable people only. In his defense, he does have a weird thing where he threatens to kill me every time I see him (“I’m gonna gut your belly like a fish” / “that’s not the saddest thing…the saddest thing is you won’t live to see the sun rise” [spoken at a restaurant at 4 a.m.] / etc., etc. etc.). For years I thought he made these comments to all his friends, leading to the following awkward conversation between me and my other two college roommates:

ME: So you know that thing Raptor does every day where he threatens to kill you?

ROOMMATE ONE: Uh…no…what?

ME: No, seriously, you know what I mean. So the other day, he was telling me that if he had a knife sharpener…

ROOMMATE TWO: What the fuck are you talking about?

Also has other frightening things going for him, most of which I can’t easily chronicle out of context. But here’s a mere singular example illustrating his dedication to being creepy: in college he once sat in a chair in the dark for over an hour with a wig covering his face, waiting for me and the other two roommates to come back after we had recently seen The Ring.

His impressions are also plentiful and disturbing: he does a good “raptor,” a great “girl from The Ring” crawl, a fantastic sociopathic koala bear, and a truly terrifying Don Knotts.

Hmmm, maybe he is number five after all.

4) Sean Astin

Sean Astin, stumping on the Hillary Clinton campaign trail.

Profile: Fake underdog. Hairy-footed hobbit. Hillary supporter.

I was very briefly propelled into Master Samwise by the crush of humanity at a Democratic delegate convention; he was regaling us all with tales that basically insinuated that since he was in Lord of the Rings, we should give a shit about his political viewpoint. I did learn he was Patty Duke’s son, though, so that was kind of cool.

And of course, Obama won the nomination.

Eat a dick, Rudy.

3) Dennis Rodman

The real question is this: what's that other hand doing?

Profile: Rebounding specialist. Publicity whore. Deranged malcontent.

This one barely happened, but I mean come on…it’s Rodman. Any contact is harrowing.

I once turned a corner at a grocery store, of all places, and Rodman was right there (I may be getting my memories confused, but I want to say he was buying beer and soap); he deftly sideswiped me, but a knuckle on his hand slightly grazed my ear.

Just to be safe, when I got home I soaked the side of my head in a pool of hydrogen peroxide. No, I didn’t. But I did spend 20 minutes cleaning my ear with all the finest anti-bacterials money can buy.

2) Albert Belle

Typical Belle dilemma: a) hurt the bat (again), or b) hurt people (with the bat)?

Profile: Ex-MLB superstar. Hyperaggressive monster. Antisocial maniac.

I bumped into Belle at a baseball game once as a kid, as I was leaning over to ask for an autograph from one of his teammates. I immediately thought my transgression would lead to the sudden and abrupt end of my life. Luckily, he merely looked at me for a minute like he wished for nothing more than to crush my skull with his bare hands, then in his first at-bat hit a home run about 800 feet and glared in my general direction.

I suspect I had very little to do with this and that Belle just hates the sight of people in general, but I’ve been kind of sour on the whole autograph thing ever since.

1) Sylvia Fowles

Fowles, though she towers over the 6'4 Candace Parker,
needs only mind waves to separate Parker's shoulder.

Profile: WNBA star. Team USA backup. Genetic superfreak.

I was working at a women’s college hoops tourney once and had to run to the restroom. When I got back out, Fowles and the other 14 LSU Tigers were in front of the door, waiting for pre-game introductions. As I mumbled my way through their mass, the astoundingly huge Fowles suddenly resonated a Dikembe Mutumbo-like laugh at a teammate’s joke, put herself in reverse, and to my dismay, an unexpected runaway caboose situation ensued.

You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

Top 5 Most Ridiculous Atheletes

G Dubya here filling in for my good buddy Raptor.

We all know I am the world’s numero uno (little shout out to my latino bretherin ;-P) sports fan. I was planning on catching most of the Olympics in Beijing, but this whole Georgia v Russia thing is really fucking up my Christmas. I’m telling you right now Pooty, you’re not getting your yearly Oktoberfest Revolution fruit basket
from me or Laura.

But just because we’re redecorating the iron curtain, doesn’t mean I can’t take time out of my hectic schedule to talk with you about sports. I’m gonna talk to you about the most ridiculous athletes imagined, that then became real. Athletes who, like the US were so dominant, that no one in their sports could compare to them (that’s right Pooty, you don’t scare us so get out of Atlanta).

5. Bo Jackson
Ok I admit it this one is kind of a fanciful pick, he never fulfilled his promise because of the whole hip issue. But I think it was because he was getting too powerful, and god smote him like Aaron. Seriously, He had the potential to be almost as good as his Tecmo Bowl self in two sports! Watch the video and skip to the 3 minute mark. He throws a guy out FROM THE WARNING TRACK.


4. Alexander Karelin-
Now I know I’m supposed to be pissed at our Russian compatriots, but really this guy was really er, ah, good. His mastership of the Joey Greco-Romanian Wrestling Division was a record that rivals Joe DiMaggios hit streak. He seriously won gold in during the reigns of 3 US Presidents. Not only that he went 6 years without giving up a point. Now that’s ridiculous. And I know a few things about ridiculous.

3. Michael Jordan

Some asshole named McBane pretty much already covered this in his numbers list. McBane, as you well may know, harbors and in beds terrorists.

2. Jim Brown

When he wasn’t beating women, he was beating everyone else. Sure he was the first running back to ever crack 100 TDs. Sure he averaged 100 yds for his entire career. But even more impressive he was inaugurated into the Lacrosse Hall of Fame because he was the best player the game of lacrosse had ever seen. Seriously, imagine Jim Brown armed with a stick and a rock hard ball charging at you. It’s scarier than 9/11 times 3 (3.5 if you are a woman).


1. Michael Phelps

Now you may think I’m completely tainted by just seeing this guy a day ago swim in perhaps the greatest relay of all time. And you may be right. But goshdarn it, if he doesn’t define most ridiculous athlete, no one does. The boy doesn’t just break world records; he destroys them. I was joking with Premier Wen Jiabao, that Phelps was going to do the record books what the Japanese did to Nanking. He got all red and flustered and started giving me the finger, which I think means something completely different over here, like flashing the peace sign in Britain.

Oh yea, while I’m here I’d like to give my shout out to the men’s 4x 100 Free Relay. We may have been off about those WMDs, but you were way off about destroying us in that relay. Consider it 1-1.

Top 5 Individual Comedy Sitcom Episodes of All Time

McBane here, reminding you that your dumber is dumber than my dumber. You got dumb all day. You’re like a sack of hammers.

So pay attention: I’m not just doing this list because it’s accurate (though it is), it’s because I want you to watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. (One episode is a 21 minute commitment. Don't hurt yourself.) You will be a better person for it, and if you don’t, the damn thing might just get cancelled. First three seasons are viewable on hulu.com, and the new season lands on FX September 18.

Essentially, if you don’t like this show, you’re a cocksucker. Always Sunny is simply unbeatable. It would crush the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Even when it sucks, it’s better than anything else. After I saw this show, I honestly felt retarded for thinking Seinfeld is funny.

What is this show about? I want to say it’s about terrible people doing terrible things, but that’s limiting. It’s like saying, “you know about Hitler? You don’t? Well let me tell you…he was kind of a racist!” Basically I’ll just say if you like watching comedy and saying “WOW” in reverence, this is the show for you. Even when elements are recycled, the show never is; they always stay one step ahead of you with the humor.

I will admit that if you do enjoy this show, it probably means you’re secretly a horrible, horrible person, devoid of ethics or morality or any sense of human decency. I understand this. But despite these qualifications, I would be recalcitrant in my duties if I did not say these were the five best episodes of comedy sitcom television ever. (They should also be watched from fifth to first for maximum effect.)

Oh, and I must also give credit to Raptor for introducing me to this show. (Dammit.)

5) Charlie Wants an Abortion

The other four episodes are definitely more epic in scope, but this was the first great episode and laid the groundwork for what was to come. Still better than any other comedy sitcom episode ever, and definitely the most genuine and organic of the group. When you start watching this show, watch this episode first.

4) Charlie Got Molested

All great comedy is kind of sad. And of course excess is also important to funniness. Mel Brooks once said something like (and I’m paraphrasing), if I fall in a hole and break my arm, that’s a tragedy. If I fall down a well and break my neck, that’s comedy!

So you’ll excuse me when I say one scene in here reaches absolute nirvana. You’ll know it when you see it, because you’ll say to yourself, “this is as good as it gets.”

3) Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare

This show breaks the “WOW” meter. Great, great, great. From start to finish, arguably the best show of the series.

2) Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom

Thing is, though, this episode is higher on the list. Why? Besides personal preference, it's because we live in a culture that values conclusions to shows, and I can’t ignore that. Now, generally speaking, I hate conclusions. There’s only so many of them you can do, and it usually distracts from the comedy. But when a show can somehow tack on a great ending that’s actually the funniest part of the show, it gets extra credit. So this goes to number two, because it has probably the funniest ending of any teevee comedy sitcom, ever, with the possible exception of…

1) Hundred Dollar Baby

Perhaps the least funny of these five as a whole. But you can’t say that there’s definitively a better ending to a show than this. PERIOD. If you disagree you’re just an annoying wanna-be know-it-all prick. (Truthfully.)

Now, I will accept arguments that others are as good (and I have a personal preference for #2 on this list), but hey, if that piece of shit movie Million Dollar Baby won an Oscar (again, Paul Haggis being a dildo), then this episode can certainly go in at number one.

Top 5 Hyperlink Movies

McBane here. As usual, I was going to open this post with a jab at Raptor, but frankly I’m losing all confidence…I’m starting to feel like I’m incapable of pushing the man’s buttons anymore. I thought for sure my last couple of cracks were way below the belt, and I’ve been standing here waiting happily for harsh, painful, deserved retribution like the moments in The Dark Knight where the Joker happily waits for death…and then nothing. Instead I’m just standing here with an inappropriate asshole grin on my face while he puts up a string of good-to-very-good postings without any hint of irritation or anger.

Fine, Raptor, you win…I’m a baby, and I was wrong, and yes, I freely admit it. This was your goddamn plan all along, wasn’t it?

Jerk.

Moving on…

Some people don’t like too much subtlety and/or subtext in their movies. This is completely understandable and valid. If you’re going to plunk down ten bones or so for a movie, you may just want direct entertainment that splooges off the screen and on to your face, and I am 100% cool with that. To each their own.

But if you do like being splooged in the face for entertainment, “hyperlink” movies are probably not for you. (Proving my point: the first three movies in the genre are Altman movies. And we all know how frustrating that bastard can be.) The term “hyperlink,” invented by critic Alissa Quart, describes movies in which a variety of storylines take place with very little overlap, usually related only by a theme that may not even be revealed until the end.

I generally love these kind of movies because I enjoy deconstructing subtlety and subtext, and for these movies to be good, they need both these things in spades. Otherwise you end up with a piece-of-shit movie like Crash.

(Rant: in Crash, the movie thinks it’s enough to show that we all ARE racist at times while NOT being racist at others -- holy smokes! -- which actually wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t painfully revealed through a constant and boring deluge of bullshit coincidences that aggressively attempt to wrong-foot us in what feels like a proselytizing sermon. Ultimately, this makes any reasonably intelligent person want to fucking punch Paul Haggis for writing the movie. It makes you wonder: who did he blow to get an Oscar for both this movie and the equally absurd Million Dollar Baby? Rant over.)

Luckily, most hyperlink movies are good. I’ve thought about this list for a while, and I’ve finally determined the five best.

5) Nashville

And the Lord sayeth, the first shall be fifth.

This is a 1970s movie; I don’t even know if they had trailers back then, so I can’t link to it (hyperlink movies lend themselves to confusing trailers anyways). This was also the first hyperlink film, and a musical to boot, but I just can’t really, really get behind an Altman movie; there’s a certain point where sensory overload is reached and I’m not even having fun. I’m a bastard, I guess. But definitely a movie worth seeing, just for the historical value (if you can find it; it helps if you have about eleventy billion HBOs).

4) Traffic

Hyperlink movies work well as complex issue movies, because only hyperlink movies can really treat complex issues as complex. This one is about the cocaine economy; this also happened to be my specialty in grad school (basically I warped just about every topic for every paper I wrote toward the cocaine economy), and this is just about the only movie that’s any good at depicting it.

This movie does have flaws; too often the characters say things just for the purpose of informing the audience, and there are several false notes, but in general this really captures the heart of the cocaine trade. The trade is astoundingly pervasive, and we throw a lot of money and effort into enforcement (which is wild and exciting and destructive), when treatment and prevention policies (while more boring) have been proven up and down to be more cost-effective ways of lowering demand.

But at least our failures make Traffic a more exciting movie.

3) Babel

The story of the Tower of Babel is one of the coolest parts of the Bible, mainly because it offers brazen proof that God is an asshole: He destroys said tower simply because He fears and hates us and decides he wants to cripple humanity. (That's it. End o' story. If you suspect I may be missing something, feel free to take a moment to confirm this with any religious person you know. Then grab yourself an Old Testament and park your ass in church, heathen, because you got some major fucking catching up to do before the apocalypse.)

Using Babel as a title is also an enabler for this movie; that is to say, it allows the movie to be relentlessly humanistic without being preachy. It drives home how the social distances that set us apart can be astonishingly vast, and help to bring us down, even when no one intends for it to happen. (Although, of course, sometimes people do have bad intentions. Mwaa haa haa.)

Essentially, a lot of interesting insights here on how we understand culture, on both micro and macro levels (and beautifully shot as well, which always helps).

2) Syriana

In the vein of Traffic, this is the only movie that’s any good about the oil industry. Even more complex than Traffic, because the oil industry is more complex; shows that the oil industry is so byzantine that no one really understands the consequences of their actions. It’s not a realization people like to admit to, but one we need to arrive at eventually (like learning there’s no Santa Claus).

(Oh, and can we all agree we need to get off of oil as soon as possible? Just from a national security and economic perspective, if nothing else. Let’s just send the neo-cons to Canada.)

1) Magnolia

Easily my favorite movie, and roundly reviled by many critics for an ending that is a) entirely appropriate with the theme of the movie and b) foreshadowed in the prologue and in subtle biblical references throughout, Magnolia is basically a powerful argument for human decency.

The movie is kind of like Altman’s Short Cuts, but at warp speed. There is an intense emotional storm pounding Los Angeles, and the nine main characters in here are generally cracking under the intensity of it; only a couple of them, who base their lives around helping others (John C. Reilly’s dorky cop and Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s sissy nurse) seem able to keep from drowning. Status, wealth, fame; none of these things are holding up to the deluge. At the end of the day, these characters can only really count on their own character and the help of others. The movie slowly reveals how the most important thing in life is not what we achieve, but rather how we treat other people, and how it’s the most important thing - not just for others’ sake, but for our own.

Good stuff. I don’t even feel the need to add a snarky remark to go out on. The movie is that good.

Top 5 Crushed Dreams of Young Raptor (circa 1985)

Raptor here, wistfully remembering the Cold War.

Oh younger self, there are so many things I would love to tell you. You’re so young and full of hope, and life really hasn’t yet turned you into the cynical asshole that is me.

5. Turn your wagon into a glider-

Not gonna happen little guy. I know it says Radio FLYER on the side. I know we sat there and watched all those 3-2-1 Contact episodes with the guy who turned his bike into an ultralight glider. But you lack the technical know how to make this happen. And by the time you gain enough knowledge of things like drag, lift, and wind sheer, you’re going to be way too big for that thing.

You will however wind up in a ditch amongst mangled bits of metal and cardboard. So you got that to look forward to.

4. Marry Your Kindergarten Sweetheart

Hate to break it to you little scamp, but that girl you’re engaged to isn’t always going to be with you like she says. I know sneaking off and holding hands by the monkey bars is fun, but both sets of your parents are in the military it’s only a matter of time before one of you moves away. Sure you’ll send crayon coloured love notes for the first couple years through 2nd grade, but eventually those love notes stop coming.

And try not to cry this time when you Google her 16 years later and find out she’s cheating on you by getting married and having 2 kids.

3. Discover a New Dinosaur Species

Little Raptor, I know you’re sitting around reading all your dinosaur books, studying them intently for your future career. I know it’s important enough to you that you learned the title of your future position, paleontologist, and the latin roots forming said word. But there will be a period of time when dinosaurs aren’t the coolest thing in the world to you. And those 4 years will unfortunately coincide with your time at college.

2. Watch George Brett Win Another World Series-

Victory is sweet isn’t it young Padawan. Watching the Blue Jays melt down in game 7 is going to be a highlight from your sports fan existence. But don’t get too used to it. They will never make another playoffs, probably ever. Georgie Boy isn’t a boy anymore and Saberhagen’s going to lose his control. Oh and this year you’ll draft perhaps the greatest physical specimen of all time in Bo Jackson, but he also turns out to be one of the biggest cock teases of all time (Another phenomena you have to look forward to, but we’ll save that for another day).

Then comes the era of big money, and Tiny KC won’t be able to keep up. You’ll eventually tire of the craptitude of baseball’s non-salary regulation, trying to ignore baseball in general, until eventually just perk your ears and shake your head in shame when you hear things like, “The Royals big move for the summer? Gil Meche.”

1. Learn Karate From Mr. Miyagi

This one is going to take multiple fights to figure out, but doing your chores in repetitive motions just makes you sore, it doesn’t help you protect yourself. And the crane kick? It will totally betray you if your enemy can move laterally.

Top 5 Songs That Should Be Added To Rock Band 2

McBane here. How do I follow the greatness that is a Raptor post? He’s right, of course: nothing secretly puts a girl in the mood like Saving Private Ryan. (Don’t watch this steamy Omaha Beach scene if you’re at work, ladies, lest you get too aroused in public.)

Another great list Raptor had was Top 5 Songs Whose Absence on Rock Band is a Travesty. This was not a great list because of anything in it, but because it was one I was going to do, and he read my mind and beat me to it. Tip of the cap to you, buddy.

But now that the song list for Rock Band 2 has been released, I’d like to be the first to suggest five songs that should ultimately be used to replace the fictional will-never-be-on-the-game tease that is “Shackler’s Revenge” (off of Guns N’ Roses never-to-be-released album Chinese Democracy).

Here’s my rationale for picking these songs: the best songs to play have some insanely difficult elements for one user, ridiculous repetitive motions for others, perhaps a few clusterfuck moments, and must generally elicit a groan from everyone in the room when the song comes up on the playlist.

Yet at the same time the song should also be representative of an era, or at least one of the better songs by an important band that is representative of an era. People actually have to remember and like the song. (I mean hey, challenges are great but there needs to be some fun too.)

Let’s get to it (and remember to please flood the makers of Rock Band 2 with e-mail requests).

5) Barenaked Ladies – “One Week”

Admit it: you want to sing this song. I don’t think I need to say anything more.

4) Citizen King – “Better Days”

A rap-happy single in the vein of “One Week,” you’ve heard this song even if you don’t realize it. Very popular about a (roughly) decade ago. The insane mariachi-style strumming may also cause your guitarist to punch you if you select this song, which is always good; all great bands are fueled by animosity (and cocaine).

3) Linkin Park – “Bleed it Out”

Fun for the vocalist; can do both screamo and double-time rap. Name me another song that does that. Uptempo throughout; keeps the guitarists and drummers very busy.

2) Fall Out Boy – “Beat It”

I suspect Michael Jackson is like Zep and won’t release the rights to his songs. FOB’s cover is the next best thing; again, this is a song you know you want to sing.

Of course, nothing compares to the top song, which is so awesome I won’t even list it (but I will link to it)…

1)…

Ha! My work on this blog is now complete!

Top 5 Man Movies That Are Actually Chick Flicks

Raptor here, praying at the alter of awesome to Michael Bay.

Men of America, there is a conspiracy in liberal media that’s going to turn us all into Nancy boys! The signs are everywhere people. Haven’t you been shopping and noticed the women’s apparel section of Walmart slowly but steadily engulfing the men’s section? Or that the Express for Men store keeps losing racks to the Express? It’s only a matter of 3 to 5 years before they have us all in capris and cardigans, talking about (gasp) our feelings.

And that’s just the start. It’s in Hollywood too. Don’t be distracted by the bright lights and explosions, fellas. America loves homogenization and after they failed in there attempts to make women into men with the buddy/outlaw film Thelma and Louis, they have set there eyes on you.

(The saddest part? These are all pretty goddamn good movies)

5. Gross Pointe Blank-

While I was etching out this list I was having problems coming up with an example of a male romantic comedy. Then I remembered the comic stylings of perhaps my favorite actor, John Cusack. Most romantic comedies make the male the lead character. It makes sense that way, women like to be the pursued. But GPB sneaks up on you by making the love interest almost ancillary to the entire plot, then somehow trick us into emotional growth. The moment when Martin Blank holds a baby and comes to some sort of epiphany about life is pretty goshdarn moving.

Plus they spice it up with tons of guys stuff:, hitmen, gunfights, and explosions.

The Chick Chick Flick Equivalent: 10 things I Hate About You

4. Saving Private Ryan-

Sure, it’s an epic World War II movie. Sure it’s got man movie stars like Matt Damon, Barry Pepper, and Vin Diesel. But they really go for the emotional jugular by killing off Tom Hanks to save Matt Damon who was only in the movie for maybe like 20 minutes. That in itself doesn’t necessarily cement it as a Man Chick Flick. The wrap around story of old remorseful Matt Damon visiting graves at Normandy does.

It’s really our generations All’s Quiet On The Western Front.

The Chick Chick Flick Equivalent: Titanic

3. Big Fish

This one is pretty damn blatant. It’s a man who’s exploring his relationship with his father. It’s easy to forget this because you are probably distracted by all the campy, but still somehow awesome Tim Burton visuals. But if you don’t mist a little when he takes his dying father to the river you probably didn’t cry when Old Yeller died. And if you didn’t do that you’re a heartless son of a bitch.

The Chick Chick Flick Equivalent: Fried Green Tomatoes

2. Shawshank Redemption-

Again, this movie does little to hide it’s Male Chick Flick agenda. Hell it’s right in the title with the word Redemption. Poor Andy Dufresne can’t catch a break. His wife cheats on him. He gets wrongly accused of killing her and her lover. He gets ass raped in the laundry room. What gets him through such hard times?
Friendship and perserverence.


The Chick Chick Flick Equivalent: Hope Floats


1. Top Gun-

This is probably the most covert of all the other titles. First of all, it’s produced by Michael Bay. Then there’s the dog fighting scenes and the epic guitar solos. And let’s not forget there’s boobs. Almost all the keys to a perfect man movie.

So what makes it a Chick Flick? So many things. There’s the fighter pilot with daddy issues (Maverick). There’s the endearing friend Goose who’s lost to a tragic accident. There’s the emotional fall out of the accident where Mav has to regain his confidence and shuts out the world emotionally. Or how about the B plot, where two cynical hearts learn to love in a forbidden romance.

The Chick Chick Flick Equivalent: Beaches meets Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken

Top 5 Hard-to-Recommend Good Movies

McBane here. Sorry this is late, I’ve been busy spending the day with Raptor; essentially, he recently won tickets (by his own admission: semi-marginal) to see a ballgame in a somewhat-but-not-really-nearby city. In the process of claiming his bounty he also managed to irritate two friends, blow upwards of sixty bucks on gas, and lose his credit card.

I know I had a good time. And needless to say, it warmed my heart to watch him enjoy his prize.

I will say this for the man, however: in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never outwardly demonstrated anything less than a complete, unwavering, oblivious, slack-jawed, dumbfounded indifference to problems. It really, really takes work for something to get under his skin, which has presented a constant challenge for me. Luckily, I have always been able to stay ahead of the curve (as I’m betting this post has done already).

Raptor, you’re welcome.

5) Mission: Impossible: III

A second sequel to two mediocre movies; always a tough sell. Plus it has Tom Cruise, post-Oprah meltdown. I certainly can’t be inclined to recommend that dude to anyone.

As a result, this movie receives understandably lukewarm interest. Yet it has maybe the most enjoyable first four minutes of any movie I’ve seen. The tone is established immediately: this is a movie that means business (it has what I call a “business time” opening), and it casts a welcome sense of dread over the rest of the flick.

This is extremely rare in big-budget action movies. Since these movies need a certain kind of ending to be greenlit, it’s very difficult to put the audience on edge for most of the run time. Yet this movie does so, while incorporating all the needed parts of the blockbuster: great action sequences (four of them, in fact), wonderfully unusual villain, plenty of eye candy. Check, check, and check.

4) The Terrorist

The title makes this one difficult to recommend. Immediately, you probably thought of one of two possibilities: this movie is a) some pinko lefty shit implicitly apologizing for the protagonist and showing that no one is accountable for what they do, or b) terrorist-as-antagonist in an unsophisticated suspense flick used in a way that ultimately makes you feel dirty for accepting terrorism as entertainment.

What this movie really is about is nothing so political. It’s simply a meditation on a young girl deciding whether she’s willing to die for reasons she doesn’t fully understand. This can seem surprising at first, since many people tend to associate terrorism with purity of evil, though such a conception is obviously limiting; many people likewise draw comfort in demonizing enemies. But enemies are not demons. They are just people. And if that is kept in mind, it can perhaps start to resonate that terrorism is, at the core, just a means to many different ends, carried out in many different ways, by many different actors, with many different motivations. And that it is always, always, always undertaken by people.

This is an important point to acknowledge. That it may be a messy reality to acknowledge does not mean it can be wished away by pretending it is not true. Understanding should not be unsettling; whether we condone a thing and whether we attempt to understand it are not inexorably linked. If, say, “you” are big on condemnation of understanding, it does not make you tough and pragmatic. Unfortunately it just makes you inflexible, and maybe even kind of a jerk.

I mean, look. You should not be mad or irritated that people think differently than you, or at least, you should not feel this way all the time; bad intentions can (and should) certainly make you mad, and bad actions can (and should) as well. But we’re all really (really) different. Usually that should just be okay, but even when circumstances dictate that you do have to do something about those differences, why should you be afraid of trying to understand something you fear? (And haven’t you ever heard of “know your enemy?”)

3) Elephant

A lot of people feel they don’t understand this movie. A lot of people don’t like it for that reason. Other people don’t like it for other reasons.

I’m not going to tell you what this movie is about. (Mainly because it’s hard to definitively say what it is about.) I do understand that there are many reasons why you might not like it. This is definitely a difficult movie to wrap your brain around, namely because when it’s over, more than any other movie I’ve ever seen, you are forced to think: why? Why the hell was this movie presented like this, in this context? What’s the fucking point?

It is to the credit of this movie that this is very hard to figure out. To some extent, it’s like an inkblot test, and I think that can be a useful way to conceive of it. Because all we can really know is this: there’s not a lot here that we can extrapolate from. We have insufficient data. We get to spend time with the people in this movie, briefly. We really don’t even begin to know them, though. We do see they are different, and we can kind of catch the vibes everyone is putting off. Some people lack resonance. Some radiate it. Some are alienated and asocial. Some seem to be connected with everybody. Everyone is like an island of loneliness, yet is somehow vibrantly human.

And that’s about it, I guess. That’s all we really know about any of these people. Yet we keep trying to look deeper (and deeper) because we want to understand things better.

And this raises the million dollar question, which fascinates me so much: if we don’t understand this movie (which is indeed so devoid of dramatization and subtext and glorification as to seem like a simple moment-in-time documentary), how can we claim to have all the answers to more complicated realities, such as the one that the movie represents?

2) Jackass Number Two

That’s right. The sequel, bitches.

This is not really even a “movie,” probably. It’s certainly not a movie you want to claim to identify with when discussing the redeeming qualities of American cinema. But I can say, with no hesitation, that I have never enjoyed myself more while watching a screen at a movie theatre.

I excitedly saw this movie with my equally excited brother, which hopefully is not a reflection on my mother. None of my friends wanted to see it, and I’m still not sure why. My friends are generally amoral, mean-spirited heathens, after all; it seemed like this movie would be right up their alley. (Kidding, of course…except for you, Raptor. Kidding again, of course…I would never call you my friend.)

Perhaps the reluctance of people who might otherwise see this movie grows from thinking that these Jackass guys are jerkasses who go out of their way to make life miserable for normal people around them. This is not the case; these guys are, after all, not jerkasses, but jackasses. The difference, namely, is that they are more akin to clowns than pranksters; they understand that the joke needs to be on them, and they’re not afraid to suffer for it.

And suffer they do. In this age of deconstruction, it is strangely liberating to see people be so creatively stupid in the name of entertainment. There is a purity of laughter to be had from watching this movie; no snickers, giggles, or sniggles, but instead cathartic, direct-from-the belly guffaws that release us from our culturally instinctive desire to play the role of tastemaker. This is also a wonderful movie to see with an audience. There’s an immediate kinship formed, for as different as we all are, at least we have one thing that binds us: we may be weird, and we may be dumb, but at least we know we’re not as stupid as these fucking jackasses.

1) Fight Club

(This is going to sound overly pedantic. I apologize in advance. I am not a good enough writer to truthfully communicate what I have to say more effectively.)

Fight Club is perhaps the most misunderstood movie of all time. Even people who like it and think they get it, don’t. You know how Jurassic Park was really about math? Fight Club is really about clinical depression.

The reason that not many people pick up on this is because humans believe in the power of analogy; we think everything is kind of like something else. Yet the informed consensus among doctors and sufferers seems to be that clinical, hardcore, suicidal depression might be just about impossible to understand unless you have it (or have had it).

That’s because nothing is really like mental illness. It’s the dark side of the moon. Feeling mildly depressed/melancholy at times has just about absolutely nothing to do with clinical depression, which is, literally, physically and mentally disabling; in fact, I wish clinical depression had a different name, so people would stop associating the two as being similar. In any event, I suspect fully explaining it is probably a futile endeavor that wouldn’t do me a lot of good anyway, but the clinically depressed Jim Emerson tried to do so in his excellent, excellent review of Fight Club, in a way that at least kind of makes sense to clinically depressed people.

All I can say is that clinical depression is routinely physically/mentally overpowering for sufferers (again, literally…this is about your brain not functioning properly…no, unfortunately you can’t just tell your brain to suck it up and snap out of it and fix your brain because, again, the problem is your brain...no, you can’t necessarily tell if people have it if they can walk around and function to a general degree because they may have had a long, long time to practice acting to others like they don’t have it…yes, people who have it have already tried your off-the-cuff ideas to make things better along with about 300 others…that’s because they much, much, incredibly much better informed on this illness than you…yes, they are already very aware that many of you have absolutely no sympathy for suicide victims and that you believe they’re terrible, inhuman, weak cowards who are all going to hell, so there’s really no need to keep bringing it up).

Essentially, this disease is literally worse than anything you could ever physically imagine, and it leaves you with no hope of recovery. This sounds absurdly dramatic but is just simply, unfortunately true. And it makes sense when you think about it logically; why else would clinically depressed people kill themselves at rates so much higher than other diseased people? Indeed, the very act of staying alive to constantly suffer is completely illogical, but other people who have no concept of said suffering expect the clinically depressed to do it anyway. This is burdensome and anger-inducing at times, but the point of view of those without the illness is understandable; there is no real reason to want to ponder the illness if you do not have it. After all, this shit can (and does) happen to absolutely anyone, by definition you cannot be prepared to manage it when it strikes, and no one wants to think it can happen to them. (Least of all YOU.)

Fight Club is about a (nameless) man in this situation; this man is not merely disaffected, as so many people seem to think. The merely disaffected don’t suffer insomnia, intense depersonalization, and a compulsion to join every therapy group in the city. This is a man so unable to feel anything, that eventually his solution is just to try and find anything to feel at all. (I’ve never seen A Clockwork Orange, but I suspect this might be the point of that movie.) Fight Club is ultimately a satire of that kind of animalistic “cure,” attractive though it may seem. (This movie satirizes simple-minded fly-by-night treatments as well…I particularly liked the penguin-as-power animal.)

However, this point is generally lost on the audience, which tends to instead draw an analogy between the main character’s completely deviant behavior and sporadic moments of their own feelings of cultural alienation. As a result, for people who like it, the movie is often championed as a philosophical defense for nihilism as a kind of twisted, culturally-appropriate transcendentalism; sort of a Walden’s Pond for assholes. People who don’t like it tend to feel it is an irresponsible and ultimately unfulfilling endorsement of anarchy.

Truthfully, these are both understandable, reasonable viewpoints, but nonetheless they remain viewpoints that are (through absolutely no fault of their own) under-informed. So, maybe a look at this movie won’t do you a lot of good unless you’re clinically depressed. But if you are, you should take a gander…because finally, it’s a movie that you can really, really relate to.