Top 5 College Coaches

Raptor here neglecting his duties.

Today’s task: deciding who amongst all the rabble is the best of the best in getting there teams to ready to play on Saturday. College coaching requires a lot of different skills. You’ve got to be a good recruiter, be a father figure, be a motivator, be a strategery artist, and probably most of all you gotta know how to do all of that and appease the alumni.

How do you rank something that had so many intangibles? You could come up with some sort of advanced metric system. You could add up the wins and losses of the past five years. Or you could just shut the hell up and accept this list as the fact it is. It’s science.

5. Nick Saban
Saban would totally be higher if he wasn’t such a dick. He’s won national championships, is a great recruiter, and always has his teams ready to play. Unfortunately, he’s a fucking liar who won’t be around for the hard times. He’s the coaching equivalent of the hot bad boy every girl wants to change. Sure he may show you some new moves in the sack, but he’s gonna leave you for the next hot thing that comes along. And he gave you herpes.


4. Urban Meyer

That being said. There’s nothing wrong with trading up. We all want to move up in life and probably would take more money to go elsewhere if it’s offered to us. Just be up front about it. Urban Meyer is a pretty bad ass coach, I have to say. It takes a lot for me to say that because I hate the SEC with a passion. Football fan Prima donnas.

But his teams are super competitive each year. He hounds recruits into submission with his text messaging. I really have nothing bad to say about the man except he looks like he’s squinting all the fucking time. This coming from a half Asian.

3. Jim Tressel

Yea I know the Sweater Vest has lost the past 2 title games. But it takes a lot to get to those title games. And it’s not like he hasn’t gotten a team to win the champeenship. Sure he’s an ardent conservative in this increasingly liberal football world. But he keeps on chugging away like the goddamn little engine that could, chipping away at the field 3.333 (repeating of course) yards at a time. And you know what? That’ll get you where you want to go more often than not.

2. Mack Brown

Is there a level of bias that got Mack Brown to this spot? Absolutely. Will I back down from my stance? Not even if the devil had a hold of my balls. Since Getting to Austin He’s brought us handfuls of great recruiting classes, found the diamond in the rough that was Colt McCoy, and has never had less than 9 wins in a season. That’s quite an accomplishment in a rough and tumble conference like the big 12. He’s the model of consistency. To top it all off he has perhaps the most calming voice ever. If ever a family tragedy occurred, I’d want him to break the news to me. I could hear it now:

“Raptor, son, I’ve got some bad news. You’re entire family was killed in a horrible car accident involving a yugo and a gasoline truck. Times might seem rough now, but it’s our job to work through this. Come early, Be loud, Wear Orange.”

sniff

1. Mike Leach

He might not have the championship pedigree the other coaches on the list have, but Mike Leach is all sorts of awesome. To wit:

• He’s started Mike’s Pirate school.
• He’s mocked the fake army of A&M (finally a coach who had the balls to).
• He’s awesomely weird and completely unflappable.
• He’s breathed life into a football program no one outside of Lubbock knew existed til he got there.
• He’s an incredible offensive innovator. For a long time people thought that his offense was nothing but trickery and scheming. But the years have rolled by and no ones really been able to stop it. In fact the opposite is happening. Everyone else is slowly but surely adopting his offense little bits at a time.
• Most of all he wins with what he’s got. He might not have the resources of the UTs or Floridas of the world, but he’s come up with a game plan that maximizes his chances of winning. To many coaches coach not to lose. Mike coaches to win.
  

How good is he? As an OC for Kentucky, he made Tim Couch into a#1 pick. That my friends is a monument in coaching.

Top 5 Dark Horses to Cheer For...in World Cup Qualifying

Once the 2008 elections are over, we can get back to what is usually the most important thing in the world at this time: World Cup qualifying, in all it’s complicated splendor and glory.

Now, pulling for the U.S. in CONCACAF; you’ve got that down, I’m sure. But who should you cheer for in the other regions? Let’s stay away from the obvious guys: you need dark horses (no one likes a front-runner. Oh, and you’re allowed to cheer for two teams from UEFA, since they get 13 spots.)

5) UEFA (Europe) - Israel

Israel generally annoys me. This is a sensitive subject though, so I should preface it: the Jews survived the Holocaust, America stepped in, and we liberated them and gave them a state. Fantastic. Well-deserved. One of the finest moments in our history or theirs.

But we gave in and gave them a state right where the worst possible place to put it is. If we had given them a state in north Africa, and then they wanted to go back in and take Jerusalem that would be their problem; not ours. Yet, our problems and theirs are instead often inexorably linked. Now, we pump aid into Israel like it’s going out of style. They’re consistently the largest recipient of U.S. aid, and they necessitate the need for the U.S. to give tons of aid to countries like Egypt (that’s right; you can bet your bottom dollar if we didn’t send aid to Israel, we wouldn’t need to send any to pacify any other Middle Eastern countries.

So Israel is expensive. Also, this whole allied-forever thing with Israel is a bit burdensome. Do we really have to back Israel up if they decide to nuke Iran? Do we have to get in a war when they do? I mean, let’s get one thing clear, folks. Israel does pretty well for itself financially. Their military and intelligence agencies are truly frightening. They’ve pretty much destroyed and crushed the entire Palestinian population. If Israel wanted to wipe the rest of the Middle East off the map, there is no doubt in my mind they could do it. Yet the Middle East sees us as in bed with Israel on a lot of stuff, and that‘s kind of a bummer. Makes our lives harder, that’s for sure.

But I cheer for their soccer team for pure entertainment value. Because of regional animosity, they play in UEFA instead of the AFC. Gentle reader, if you think an Iran-U.S. soccer matchup was testy, just wait until you catch Israel-Iran at the World Cup. Or Israel-Egypt. Or Israel-Saudi Arabia.

I’m excited already.

4) CONMEBOL (South America) - Uruguay

Brazil, Italy, Germany, Argentina, France, England and…Uruguay. What do all these world powers have in common? They’re the only seven teams to have ever won a world cup. (“Only seven?” you may be asking. “Seriously? Ever?” Yup. Only seven.)

When you see Uruguay play, you think one thing: jerks. But if you were to think something else, you might think: pride. This isn’t a side that’s just happy to be there, folks. It’s a proud nation of tough footballers who are haunted by a burden of history that they can no longer realistically hope to carry.

So at first glance, it may seem like Uruguay is a dirty team. But the truth is, they play at near-maximum levels of frustration and desperation, all wrapped in a thick underdog tribalism; if the U.S. had a world cup of the major cities, Uruguay would be the equivalent to Philadelphia, I suppose. They were once on top of the world, and they know the world has caught up and surpassed them, and they‘ll never be more than just another place on the map. But they’ll always know that Uruguay used to be something more, if maybe because they just won’t let themselves forget:

Two-time world champions. (That’s the actual “world,” as opposed to U.S. “world” champions of our domestic sports.)

3) AFC (Asia) - Uzbekistan

The Uzbekis are a pretty shady group of people, but then again the “Stans” have historically been underrepresented in the World Cup, and Uzbekistan is the only one left.

Why Uzbekistan? Well, there’s not a lot of dark horses in this region, and North Korea and Iran are hard to get behind. And who gives a shit about Qatar? I’ll admit, the only things I know about Uzbekistan came from the (largely) uninformative report of a girl I went to grad school with; she was tall, blonde, dumber than a bag of hammers, read the Drudge Report like it was the Bible, thought Eddie Sutton was a great human, had the most amazing skeletal structure I’ve ever seen, and was unfailingly polite on the rare occasions she was forced to interact with me. (I don’t think I‘ve ever held such a nice person in contempt before or since.)

Anyway, she thought Uzbekistan was the land of the scumbags, so I figure they can’t be all bad.

Let’s move on.

2) CAF (Africa) - Rwanda / Sudan (tie)

Africa has some pretty neat countries. Ghana’s squad is called “The Black Stars,” and has a bunch of physical, intimidating players on their team, none of which are Fred Williamson.


No, you tell "The Hammer" that 60% of Playgirl readers are gay.

(The players are not movie stars; they’re called this because their star has a black flag.) The Ivory Coast has the best name of any country ever (named not for beautiful, glistening beaches, but for beautiful, glistening dead elephant tusks). Cameroon’s unis all come from David Bowie’s closet and could potentially give seizures to an epileptic. Senegal once had a player called Papa Bouba Diop. (Pronounced Papa Booba-dop.) All very cool.


You do not need to adjust your monitors to view Cameroon's uniforms properly. However, you may need to bite down on a wooden spoon when they congregate.

But both Rwanda and the Sudan have legacies of horrible genocide in which the U.S. has refused to intervene; the least we can do is cheer for their soccer teams. (Pick whichever country you thought had the most horrific atrocities.)

1) UEFA (Europe) - France

France? A dark horse? Qua? They won in ‘98, and were runner-up in 2006, you may say. Well, obviously you’re forgetting the French motto, liberté, égalité, fraternité, which translated means “capitulate at the first sign of adversity.” Yes, France is already way behind in their qualifying group, and has some serious catching-up to do.

Not surprising, since France is full of wankers (or so the Brits tell me). I, like the British, hate the French. They‘re insufferably arrogant, they’re hypocrites in all facets of their lives, they live on style instead of substance, and they think they’re the best at everything.

We Americans, by contrast, are insufferably arrogant, we’re hypocrites in all facets of our lives, we live on style instead of substance, and we generally are the best at everything (except soccer).

Basically, France is like our bratty kid sister, but with huge fucking stones.

I hate the French.

But goddammit, I respect them.

Wankers.

Top 5 Thoughts After the Third Presidential Debate

McBane here. It's Raptor's birthday. As I'm sure you know, Raptor, hobbits give presents to other people on their birthdays. I think it's the right thing to do in this situation. Ironically, today will also be Raptor's death day (don't complain; I think all he really wants for his birthday is death).

Anyway, after watching Always Sunny, Taxi to the Dark Side, and the presidential debate all in a row, I have suddenly become clairvoyant: the key to happiness is firing up the DVR and watching lots of good tv after work.

Some thoughts on the debate:

5) This is a just-for-me thing, but I loved Senator Obama's response on Colombia. "Actually, I understand it pretty well." (He does; illegal drugs and Colombia were responsible for roughly 70% of my study in grad school.)

Obama's obviously not dumb. As a matter of fact, he's obviously the smartest guy amongst the two presidential contendors. It's funny how McCain said Obama needs to stop running again Bush; it's almost as if at times McCain thinks it's 2000 and he's running against Bush again.

The only better response would have been, "who gives a flying fuck about free trade pacts with Colombia?"

4) Same chill pill needs to be taken as regards DC school vouchers, Senator McCain. We're in the worst financial crisis in 80 years, sir. Joe the Plumber and his cousins Joe Six-Pack and Jane Winebox want to know about the economy, so please tone down the sarcasm and the know-it-all attitude, especially for things that are NOT worth it. (Why keep bringing up Bill Ayers, too, if you keep saying you don't care about this old washed-up terrorist? "I'm not here to attack anyone, but Senator Obama is a subversive son of a bitch. Now please, let's move on. Really, no attacks. They're offensive to me. And yes, I think it's fine for my supporters to threaten to kill Obama.")

3) Could McCain have given a worse answer to the Roe v. Wade question? It's a commendable position (I guess), but damn, talk about a way to let all the air our of the evangelical balloon.

2) The only time I have ever, ever seen Obama look thrown off-kilter: when McCain bizarrely tried to attack Biden's foreign policy credentials. (Obama: Smile and nod, smile and nod, and uh...wait, what the hell?)

1) I may start watching network news again if Bob Schieffer acts like this more often. Bob, don't retire.

Top 5 Senate Attack Ads (Historical)

McBane here. Ready for a negative carpet-bombing attack by the RNC and other groups against Senator Obama? You should be. Why? Because he’s winning. And they work.

The senate is probably the closest thing to a presidential race that you can find in scope and substance, and I enjoy the senate races and like to draw attention to them. But it still gets goofy in there. Let’s take a look at the five most ridiculous, historically, to let us know what kind of thing we might run into in the next three weeks.

5) Schaffer-Udall (2008)

The lesson - peace is stupid and possibly evil. (Thank goodness we don’t know anything about peacekeeping in Iraq; how else would we spend our money?) The other lesson - never vote for a different version of a bill if there is any military funding in the original bill. Basically just vote for every bill and you’ll be safe.

In any event, Republican Bob Schaffer and Democrat Mark Udall are running for an open seat in Colorado. Should be interesting.

4) Chambliss-Cleland (2002)

Chickenhawk Republican Saxby Chambliss used one vote that Democrat Max Cleland, Vietnam vet (and triple amputee) made against a version of a Homeland Security proposal and turned it into a big scare-the-shit-out-of-you ad with bin Laden and assaults on Cleland’s patriotism. This plays well in the South, and Chambliss won.

3) Gantt-Helms (1990)

CNN analyst and attack ad ace Alex Castellanos, master of the subliminal (if not the sublime) image, preyed on affirmative action fears to give the notorious old racist Republican Jesse Helms the edge in a re-election campaign against Democrat Harvey Gantt.

Quotas, obviously, are illegal. Say what you want about affirmative action, but I think in practice, it’s little more than lip service. But again, running against race in the south wins. What can you say?

2) Coleman-Franken (2008)

I have a strong personal preference in this one; I was big on the late Democrat Paul Wellstone, and I thought the manner in which Republicans tried to spin his memorial service into an inappropriate political rally was about as low as you can go. I also think current Republican senator Norm Coleman is an opportunist and has nothing but his self-interest in mind. I do think the Democratic nominee Al Franken is funny, but I also think as a former satirist and lefty radio host he might be a polarizing figure for the party. (Satire is ripe ground for attacks, since many people “don’t get it.“ Plus, whenever I see a polarizing political figure, I remember a conservative acquaintance of mine informing me after 2004 that the Democratic party was dead for ever. The implied lesson I‘ve learned, of course, is obvious: there will also be elections after 2008. Dems need to watch out.)

Minnesota. What can you say? Even their third-party candidates are ridiculous. (I especially loved how when Jesse Ventura ran for governor, he wanted to cut all financial aid for colleges, despite having a huge groundswell of support from college students. I guess he inadvertently proved his own point that college is a waste of government money.)

In any event this ad is obviously mean and for simpletons. But I guess that’s the Coleman way.

1) Corker-Ford (2006)

In a surprisingly closely contested election in Tennessee to fill Bill Frist’s empty seat, Democrat Harold Ford Jr., a young black bachelor (since married), had drawn even with Republican Bob Corker in the polls before the RNC started going negative. This ad caused quite a stir not just in Tennessee, but nationally.

Addressing some of the charges: Ford attended a Super Bowl party (along with 3,000 other people), which was the referred-to party hosted by Playboy. (Referred to by the squeaky-voiced white sex kitten/woman with bared shoulders.) By the way, I’ve never been able to find a copy of the article posted in the commercial; if you do, please let me know, I‘d love to read it. (Also, I’m assuming some dude who held a stake in some porn company probably donated something to his campaign, as far as that charge goes.)

In any event, I don’t know what this ad could possibly be suggesting, except that Ford was a young sex-crazed black dude with a taste for white women. A tough message to battle for Ford, who was looking to be the first black senator from the south since Reconstruction. Corker saw his poll numbers shoot up and he won the senate seat in an otherwise down year for Republicans.

The lesson, apparently: go mean or go home.

Top 5 Reasons Tony Gonzalez Should Have Been Traded

Raptor here, hating on Carl Peterson.

When I was but a wee raptorling, my dad was stationed in Ft Leavenworth, KS. Between blissful jaunts to the banks of the Missouri river and soccer practice, a funny thing happened. I started to like sports.

How’d this happen? Strangely enough because a MP stopped me one day as I was playing tag in the cul-de-sac. Instead of getting into trouble for playing in the street he handed us some Kansas City Chiefs Cards. It had QB Stephen DeBerg on it. My friend got a card with some loser named Neil Smith. None of these names really meant anything to me at the time, but the cards appealed to the pack rat part of me. I started researching what this football thing was. It took a little while, because the rules and frequent breaks made for uneven watching as an 8 year old, but eventually I was hooked. I began pestering MPs for more of these Chiefs cards eventually coming 1 card short of completing the set (My friend would never trade me his Neil Smith card). The football cards eventually got me down the path of baseball cards, which then got me into lovin the Royals.

Military brats move frequently, but there allegiances don’t. I carried my newly acquired love for the Chiefs and to a lesser extent the Royals with me wherever I went. The early 90’s were a great time to be a KC sports fan. The Royals were still competitive and the Chiefs behind the brain trust of Marty Schottenheimer and Carl Peterson kept winning and moving tantalizingly closer to ultimate playoff glory. Because they were good it was relatively easy to find games on the weekends and to keep tabs on them no matter where we moved. Sadly, this wouldn’t last forever.

The Royal’s never really recovered from losing Bo Jackson and were bought by an owner who cared more about the bottom line then winning. They started sliding further and further down the standings each year, and further and further back into the sports page. The Chiefs fared a little better. They remained competitive through out the 90’s, with DT and some killer defenses and their varied array of quarterbacks. But after one too many playoff flops, the eternally snake bitten Schottenheimer was fired. Then came the bleakest moment in my Chief fan existence, the death of Derrick Thomas.

Time and Teams go on. My hopes were buoyed by a high octane offense installed by the innovator of the fastest show on turf, Dick Vermeil. We made up for a lack of a great wide out by having perhaps the most dynamic tight end in the game, Tony Gonzalez. He’s been one of my favorite players to watch in the post-DT era. He always showed up on game day and always gave it his all doing whatever he could to help the team. He’s done it for 12 seasons now.

But everybody has there breaking point. After 12 seasons he’s starting to feel the clock ticking. He’s still an elite if not the elite TE in the game, but his time is running out. KC is mired in a rebuilding year, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. So 3 weeks ago he secretly asked for a trade.

The trade deadline has come and gone, and Gonzo is still with the team. Which is somewhat bittersweet for me as a fan. He should be out there catching passes from Eli or McNabb this weekend, not hoping for Herm to call his number.


5. Because the Chiefs are rebuilding

The Herm Edwards Era has been nothing short of horrendous. He took a high flying fast offense, and slowed it down to a grind it out, leading to the breakdown of its most talented players. He broke down one promising and still young running back by rushing him 416 times during a season. He’s forced the Chiefs to go into what seems like a never ending rebuilding stage. The team won’t be competitive for some time now. We lack a solid line and a quarterback (please don’t make me hope for John Kitna). And somewhere lost in the midst of all this is our spectacular TE, Tony Gonzalez.

4. Because he’s not being utilized properly

Herm couldn’t come up with a passing scheme to save his life, and even if he could there is no one on the roster who could pull it off anyways. I’m completely convinced he would run Larry Johnson every down if he could get away with it.

Tony needs someone to chuck him the ball. He’s mostly wasted as a runblocker.

3. Because his trade value is only going down

Yea so the Giants lowballed you with the offer of a third round pick. What did you think you were going to get? I know the Giants got a second and a fifth for Shockey, but he’s young, overrated, and they were dealing with the Saints a franchise not exactly known for there smarts. TG’s getting up there in age. You’re not going to get the same value for him. Besides, Peterson you do seem to have a fairly good grasp of garnering good value on your draft picks (Alabama QBs aside).

2. Because Herm Edwards dicked him and the fans of Kansas City

In this year’s win against Denver, KC was up big on the Broncos and for the majority for the final quarter just tried to run out the time with running plays. Again lost in the Herm shuffle, Gonzo was 3 yards short of the Career record for receiving yards by a TE in the Denver game. Post game interviews had Edwards saying he was unaware of this fact (which might not be too shocking with how unaware he is about most things). All he needed was a quick 1 yard out and to fall forward and the KC stat-keepers would have given him the record in front of his home crowd.

Isn’t that how you want to break a record? At home, in front of your fans and family, in a win against your hated (Fuck the Broncos!) rival?

Instead he had to break the record on the road in a blow out loss to the Panthers depriving him and the fans there moment to celebrate together. *


1. Because it was the right thing to do

Look there’s a lot of a-holes in sports demanding trades. Chad Johnson does it every year. He’s a d-bag prima donna. Tony isn’t. He didn’t’ go to the media with this request he did it behind closed doors. He’s not going to sit around and pout because this trade didn’t happen. He’s still going to go out there and give it his all.

He knows he’s a big part of Chief lore. He broke records here. He had a great run here. He wants to come back and retire a Chief. He just needs to go make a last grab at a ring.

Carl should have given the chance.

*To those who argue that the chiefs needed to run out the clock I say: Don’t be afraid of losing the ball. The man’s lost only one fumble in the past 7 years. He’s got some of the strongest hands in the league. Sack up and give the fans what they want.

Top 5 Movies That Help Explain Who the Most Compelling Movie Character of All Time Is

McBane here, stretching the format of the top five list well beyond the breaking point…

Religion is fascinating to me. I grew up Catholic, and as any Catholic will tell you, for you to be accepted by the church, Catholicism is not a trait that helps comprise your character so much as the central underpinning to your identity. (You can also watch the movie

5) Dogma

if you need help understanding this).

Anyway, growing up Catholic made me wonder: what were other religions like? Are all Judeo-Christian philosophies generally the same? How different is Islam, really? And how do we in the West even begin make sense of Eastern religions?

I’ve pored long hours of inquiry and study into this, and frankly, these answers could take all day. But probably the most useful thing I have learned is that there is only one long-time, established religion in the world no one has gone to war in the name of: Buddhism.

Though you may think you don’t know much about it, Buddhism has appeal to virtually us as Americans. Remember

4) Star Wars

and all that Jedi stuff? Essentially Jedi precepts are just a sci-fi reinterpretation of Buddhism according to Lucas. Simply put, Buddhist principles teach that the only way to achieve nirvana (inner bliss) is to renounce all human desires (which lead to attachment, loss and suffering), in order to reach an enlightened life that understands that we are all simply components of one larger reality. As a practical matter, this implies that the greatest satisfaction in life is to sort of be a warden of peace.

However, Lucas and his western predilection toward individualism seemed to suggest a possibility that Buddhism never took into account, which is this: when he invented the Sith, Lucas laid the groundwork for an individual enlightened by pure evil.

Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, Lucas wasn’t a savvy enough storyteller to see the possibility he had created. His Sith, despite all the window dressing, were really nothing more than tormented, greedy souls who simply lusted after power. To me, this always seemed like a philosophically wimpy approach. These are characters who are supposed to be able to mentally battle the selfless Jedi? Anakin Skywalker is the most powerful dude in the universe, but yet he somehow descended into the depths of philosophically bottomless evil through a simple series of playschool-variety temper tantrums?

This bogus character construction sort of makes the movies seem more ridiculous than they already are, and the unenlightened approach of the Sith meant that it was obvious that they would always self-destruct eventually, despite having a bazillion midi-chlorians or whatever bullshit was supposed to give them their power.

Frankly, a Sith, at the end of the day, is not a very compelling villain.

Consider, conversely, the scene from

3) The Matrix Reloaded

when The Architect is talking to Neo, who as it turns out is the villain (or at least he is to the machines and to the 99.9% of humanity willing to live in the matrix). The Architect explains to the stoic Mr. Anderson that, unchecked, even the most unlikely result from the most minor variable can (and will) lead to chaos over a long enough time horizon if it is not accounted for, which of course was also the point of

2) Jurassic Park

and (I think) the crappy sequels.

How does this have anything to do with reality? Well the way I see it, folks, with the rise of globalization and human interconnectivity (along with the scientific creation of weapons of mass destruction), it is increasingly easier than ever before for one bad apple to cause an extinction-level event for the human race.

The question is, though, who would that exploding needle in the gasoline haystack be? Who would be best equipped to pull off an extinction-level event?

The answer lies in

1) The Dark Knight

and Heath Ledger’s sociopathic Joker.

Here’s the thing about sociopaths; they’re hard to figure. Movies tend to paint them into a corner as being intrinsically evil and fiendish plotters and all this shit. But being a sociopath doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. It just means you don’t have typical human feelings. However, many (most) sociopaths function in society; they don’t all become serial killers or whatnot. They are doctors and lawyers and nuns and hookers and rocket scientists and garbage men and maybe even your next-door-neighbors. (And Raptor.)

However, what makes the Joker so terrifying is that he is an enlightened sociopath who, for whatever reason (it doesn‘t matter - once you reach enlightenment, your past is no longer intrinsic to your being) is able to find joy in a few perverse things. (And I know, the idea of an enlightened sociopath is so shocking as to seem alien, but I mean odds are, there has to be one or two of them out there, right?)

The Joker never questions his desires in this movie, never has any self-doubt regarding them; he completely at peace with them, and himself. There are only a few things that affect him emotionally; sadism, for example, simply makes him happy. Chaos makes him happy as well.

And that’s about it for touchy-feely.

Now, his enlightenment (as a sociopath) basically means that unlike Buddhists, he is only capable of reaching nirvana through these few things that he can achieve true feelings for…and he has found that he has no reason not to continue to enjoy them.

What makes him even more frightening is that not only does he desire wanton chaos, he is incredibly smart and he takes joy in being a force multiplier when it comes to his destructive worldview. This, in combination with his other factors, is what makes him unlike any other villain; if you don’t fight him, you’ll lose, but fighting him will also make you lose as well. You can’t fight him and not get dirty.

In part, there is no way to dissuade him other than killing him; like an evil doppelganger to a Buddhist monk, he has no obvious character flaws that can be exploited, and the purity of his desires (notice how he burns the money he earns) gives him a kind of integrity and relentlessness that is impossible to overpower. In fact, he is so impervious to threats that he even looks forward to experiencing death, as evidenced several times throughout the movie; yet we also learn that he doesn’t have a death wish (or a desire for martyrdom - both of which could be used against him), but (as a sadist) instead simply looks forward to the physical sensation. Also, since he doesn’t have to follow Buddhist precepts, he can remain innovative, creative, crafty, cunning, and charismatic, all while being completely enlightened.

Yet at no moment is anything supernatural about him. He is, rather, a completely human character that represents the absolute worst threat to humanity another human could possibly be. And since we all know that the villains are more interesting than the heroes, this means Ledger’s Joker is the most compelling character in cinematic history.

It probably would have made more sense to post this when The Dark Knight came out, but I had to think about it.

Top 5 Unanswered Questions of Our Time

Raptor here, back from an extended LSAT study break.

The world is full of mysteries. What are UFOs? What ever happened to that chick who learned to fly? Why are panda's cute? Who ate the last of the nachos when I very clearly wrote my name on the container?

But if I were to narrow it down to 5 questions that I want answers to these would be them.

5. How did Don Knott’s win the Death Pool against John Ritter?

Did anyone see this coming? Don Knott’s never looked like the bastion of good health. I half expected him to keel over at any time when he was in the Incredible Mr. Limpett.

4. Is It Better to Align Myself with the candidate supported by the KKK or the candidate supported by 98% of Dane Cook fans?

Really, it’s hard to determine which is/will be the most detrimental force in society. Both are groups formed from great ignorance. Both groups are such that any association will kill your rep in even the politest of company. I have a feeling that ultimately, the Dane Cook fans will rain down more damage on this country due to there total lack of marketable skills and incompetence.

Either way, I’ve only got 27 days to decide.

3. When will Disney mellow their harsh and release Song of the South?

Come on Disney, I know you have a slave who enjoys being a slave in this movie, but what about cutting out the crappy live action parts and giving us the Bre’r Rabbit cartoons. Oh and maybe keep Uncle Remus singing that classy little ditty, Zippidy Doo Da!

They’ve released plenty of other horribly insulting movies, from DW Griffith’s Birth of a Nation, The Jazz Singer. Give me my animated birds on my goddamn shoulder!

2. How good will Colt McCoy be when he finally hits puberty?

I won’t lie, I have a minor man crush on Colt McCoy, (it’s man love. It’s not gay. I just want to wear his skin and be him…) but anytime he’s giving interviews I expect his voice to crack like the nerdy teenager on the Simpson’s. He’s got such a boyish face/demeanor. I know he hit the weight’s this past summer and it shows, but one day he’s gonna get his growth spurt, then watch out world!

1.Whatever happened to Tina Pinciotti?

Every generation has a missing sibling mystery. There was the Amber Alert for Chuck Cunningham in Happy Day’s. Judy Winslow went upstairs and never returned (more alarming was Carl Winslow’s, a police officer, lack of concern). There was also the case of Marissa’s younger sister, Caitlyn, on the OC, but that was eventually remedied by having her return from boarding school somewhere in season 3. But none of these mysteries intrigue me as much as the whole Tina Pinciotti incident.

Why?

For starters, the rest of the characters where all established in the pilots. Tina came along 6 episodes into the run of the show. Had it happened the other way around it would be completely understandable. Characters are cut from pilots all the time. But if you introduce a family member further into the run of the show you expect them to hang around for a few episodes or at least have some sort of explanation of there disappearance (boarding school for Caitlyn, porn for Judy, and for god sakes someone put out an APB for Chuck please!). Was there going to be a story arc there? Did the very act of Fex hitting on her cause her to disappear? Was she abducted by aliens?

The best theory I have is she, Judy, and Chuck were all taken by the aliens in the Forgotten.

Top 5 Things on the Internet that I can watch repetitively and still find funny

Raptor here promising something more substantial tomorrow.

In the mean time, here’s some things that have actually made me laugh in the past couple days. And can’t we all use a little laughter.

5. George Washington

4. The Divorce Song

3. Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals

2. Charlie Get’s Molested
Perhaps my favorite episode of my current favorite show. I swear I've had the argument in the cold open with McBane at some point in the past.

1. Larry Holmes’ GrillMaster

Just opening the page makes me start cracking up.

Top 5 Journalist Idiaks

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