Top 5 Necessary Scenarios to Drop the F-Bomb

McBane here, reminding you that I’m your brain, and Raptor is your brain on drugs.

This holiday weekend saw me get in a terrific argument with one of my relatives regarding her total disgust with the implementation of the f-word. (The f-word being either “funny,” or “fun.” Ha ha. Just kidding auntie.) She was saying it was never appropriate and that she had never, in fact, even used it (uh-huh); I was arguing in some cases it’s actually bad if you don’t bring an f-blast.

As it turns out, I was right, of course. Allow me to illustrate the finest examples for this argument.

5) You Have Just Accidentally Betrayed Your Country

There’s no such thing as underselling here; in America, treason is still punishable by death, so you want to make f-ing sure everyone knows that your devastating nation-dooming betrayal was merely a faux pas. This requires a significant amount of sincerity.

I mean, what if you said, “oh, pussyfeathers!” Would people take you seriously? Would they believe you? Can you be sure that Philby or Ames or Hanssen didn’t say the same thing?

No, you can’t. You really need to go for broke here. Hurry up and drop the goddamn f-bomb!

4) You Have Just Been Informed That Your Current Death Match Opponent is Immortal

A couple of reasons for this one. One is that an f-bomb might be the only thing that would convince your opponent to let you out of the fight; indeed, an f-bomb, said with enough fury, implies that some asshole (probably Raptor) lied to you about the circumstances, and that it wouldn’t be sporting to fight you under false pretense. (A surprising number of immortals tend to be honorable. Also, this may encourage your opponent to let you replace yourself with Raptor.)

Additionally, an f-bomb suggests true unexpected surprise. Something like “aw, gee whiz” sounds kind of whiny, and is not very persuasive. Not only is no one going to let you out of a fight for sounding whiny, but you also don’t want those to be your last words if you do end up having to fight the immortal bastard.

An f-bomb looks much better on a tombstone.

3) A Dinosaur Has Just Disemboweled You

If a dinosaur has just disemboweled you, you have multiple problems. First of all, you’re either lost in the distant past or in Jurassic Park. Neither scenario is promising. You’re also probably semi-isolated, if not totally alone; on top of that you’re probably in shock and holding your intestines in your hands, which means that even if you do find some miraculous way to get rid of the dinosaur that is attacking you, you’re not even close to being out of the woods.

Here’s what makes things worse: if you’re in this situation, any people that you may be grouped with (or talking on the phone to) are probably people with problems of their own. You really need to get them to sit up and take notice if you want some help on this one, so that they know just what a totally f-ed situation you’re in.

2) You Are Lost In the Void of Space

All right, buster, this is the deal: the point of being alive is to do things. Try stuff. Otherwise why be alive? You could be dead and accomplish the same agenda.

If you’re lost in the void of space, the list of new things you could try is pretty short. Dropping an f-bomb is probably tops on it. And who knows? Maybe you might just like it. Who wouldn’t want to enjoy the last few minutes of life as much as possible?

I mean, guess there are other things you can try too. You can take off your helmet and try to see if you’re secretly a superhero who can brave absolute zero with no problems, for example.

But I’d recommend dropping the f-bomb first.

1) You Have Just Been Visited by Your Future Self and Been Told You Are Gay and Will Live Forever

This reminds me, Raptor, when I was at the store this weekend I ran into a guy who I thought was your grandpa.

Turns out he had some bad fucking news.