5) Homer Simpson
I think we all recognize that he has to be in the top five, though I’m not really sure why...oh wait, now I remember it's because he's HOMER FUCKING SIMPSON. 'Nuff said. I mean sure, his contributions are minimal, his worldview is limited, and he is only somewhat endearing and usually only unintentionally funny, but doesn't that just really mean he’s the single purest personification of
4) Hugh Hefner
The manner in which Hefner has redefined the American Dream is breathtaking. Let’s think about this for a second. He started off as a respected journalist who decided to go into porn, and by all accounts everyone (even probably Gloria Steinem) seems to agree that he has made the right decision. He has created a magazine noteworthy for interviews and fiction, to the point where being a writer appearing in Playboy is seen as an honor. He’s also about 200 years old and has seven blond bimbo girlfriends in their early 20s at all times, and no one ever seems put out by that.
He’s also the only answer to the question “if you could be anyone, who would you be?” that no other American male will find fault with. Women may roll their eyes at this answer, but they only get about 11% as upset as they would be if a man said something remotely less incendiary, such as “Jesus Christ, Brittany Murphy is smoking hot.”
What Hefner (and Tony Soprano, I suppose) shows is that no matter what your vocation in
3) Hunter Hearst Helmsley
In addition to (obviously) being the greatest wrestler of all time, Triple H has proven himself to be a insightful thinker as well as a progressive, visionary philosopher. As his work here, here, here and here indicates, he may be a man with staunchly held morals and assertive beliefs, but he is also a man that understands the value of others’ viewpoints and the necessity of compromise.
May he one day lead us to a brighter, better tomorrow.
2) Bill Brasky
Notable for his hatred of irony and Mexicans (and for being half-Mexican), Brasky can perhaps best be understood as a sort of bizzaro Willy Loman. Admittedly, no one has ever sat down to fully document Brasky’s exploits, but even secondhand info suggests he’s brilliant, borderline revolutionary, and generally pretty unstoppable. He’s counted to infinity (twice). He’s used a live rattlesnake as a condom. He’s figured out a way to grow an extra arm (and keeps it in a vault). He also ate his bachelor cake without knowing there was a stripper in it (though I don't think it would have really made a difference if he did).
If you have a wife, Brasky has slept with her (and you’ve probably thanked him for it). If you’ve worked with Brasky, you’ve made a ton of money (and have done hard time in a Chinese prison). If you’ve hung out with Brasky, there’s at least a 70% chance that you’re dead. The still-alive Brasky himself has actually previously been declared officially deceased, famously coming back to life with the words “I NEED A DRINK.”
Even death can’t stop the man. Oh, and he once took a bubble bath with Bruce Jenner.
There’s nothing Brasky can’t do.
1) Chuck Yeager
All right. If Chuck Norris were a real person, he’d be Chuck Yeager. Yeager became a pilot in the Air Force during WW2, back when the Air Force was full of tough guys who basically sat on buckets of bolts with unstable drippy gasoline tanks underneath. WW2 actually also saw the Air Force fight other planes, something that seems absurd to us now, and Yeager was the first pilot to become an “ace in a day” – collecting five kills of enemy craft in 24 hours. He actually led (and leads) WW2 in enemy kills before the Krauts finally shot him down.
Then, behind enemy lines, he helped guerillas blow stuff up by building homemade bombs, a skill he had learned from his father (!), and he eventually made it back to the States, receiving about 500 medals, including the Bronze Star, Silver Star, and Diamond-Encrusted Platinum Nuts Star.
What kind of woman could tame Yeager? A woman named Glennis Dickhouse (!), that’s who, and she married Yeager back in the states as he flew experimental aircraft. After famous civilian pilot Slick Goodlin turned down 500K (this equates to roughly 12 trillion dollars today) to try and break the speed of sound, Yeager dunked Goodlin’s head in a dirty toilet (this is speculative), and told a bunch of physicists who said breaking the sound barrier was impossible to suck his big floppy donkey dick (significantly less speculative).
Yeager then broke the sound barrier even with two broken ribs he sustained after getting thrown from his horse in the desert a few days earlier (very possibly part of his daily commute). Then, when Scott Crossfield later went to Mach 2 (twice the speed of sound) and was about to be honored in a 50th Anniversary of Flight Celebration as the fastest man alive, Yeager called the banquet and told them that pussy Crossfield would be calling in sick (also speculative), then got back in a plane and went to Mach 2.44.
Since then Yeager has spent his days being awesome and flying experimental aircraft, including one that set him on fire and partially burned his helmet to his head; after landing he removed it (and inadvertently much of his face with it) to go track down the damn ambulance (his face, tough bastard that it is, has largely recovered). Long past retirement age, Yeager currently makes exactly one (1) U.S. dollar a year (with benefits) to “consult” the Air Force, which we can guess means he still flies batshit-crazy airplanes that can fly into the future while other people his age waddle around in diapers.
Beat that, Chuck Norris.
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