Top 5 Paraphrased Lines from Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life” That Prove It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It

McBane here. Here we go...

5) I Love Screwing You Doggystyle

4) I Love Crystal Meth More Than You and It’s Not Even Close

3) I Think of You as a Starfucker Even Though You Think I’m Your Boyfriend

2) I Miss Being High Enough to Fall Asleep During Sex With You

1) I Will Embarrass You Forever By Putting You in a Stunningly Filthy Pop Song

Okay. An explanation is in order.

At work recently, diligently trying to mind my own business, I became privy to a loud conversation where this girl who we’ll call “Kristine” (very possibly her name) apparently had her eyes opened by one of those VH1 shows called something like “Why I Can’t Ironically Appreciate the ‘90s as Much as the ‘80s.” (I only use my television for sports, cable news, and crushing small rodents, so I legitimately am still not quite sure what these shows are about.)

Kristine mentioned to her friend that it was “hella funny, dude” to find that Third Eye Blind’s happily uptempo 1990s pop sensation “Semi-Charmed Life” was, astonishingly (to her), not the sweetest song in the world, and then just laughed it off: “I still love it anyway.”

I am very familiar with this song; I once attended a Third Eye Blind concert in or around 1999 (they are excellent live, by the way), plus I own the album on which said song resides. If you can’t read the strangely overlaid lyrics on the link above, or have a hard time getting past Steve Jenkins’ substantial lisp, allow me to sum up the track:

“Semi-Charmed Life” is essentially about a scumbag rock star (very possibly Mr. Jenkins) who dumps his starfucking blow-job-happy girlfriend after she tells him their hardcore addiction to crystal meth isn’t quite enough to fill up the relationship anymore. After leaving, he soon gets misty-eyed for the days he was so high all the time that he could actually fall asleep boning her, before he finally has some sort of Awakening that he’s not entirely a piece of garbage.

He then decides that maybe they should get back together, but when they finally meet again they just do more crystal meth and go out for a wild night on the town. Finally, at the end of the night (and the song), after he happily fucks her doggystyle, that Awakening starts to resurface in his brain - but he pushes it aside and decides he’d just rather just get high again.

The end.

Now this is (obviously) a pretty great song, especially viewed in the context that Kristine is a relatively attractive, relatively normative female, which indicates there are probably legions of likewise women who recall this song fondly; apparently there’s something in it for everybody.

Whenever humanity can unite in love for something, it fills my heart with gladness.

More importantly, though, you may be wondering: can I learn anything excessively positive from this? Well, of course. That’s what I’m here for. There are two traits that you, women, should look for in men that will make you at least semi-happy no matter what the circumstances of the relationship, and that you, men, should possess in order to make you unstoppable:

a) The ability to sing in falsetto
b) The ability to play the guitar

You’re welcome.