Top 5 Nirvana Songs That Indicated Cobain’s Death Was Imminent

McBane here, looking to steal your sunshine.

Actually, no. This is not just a headlong foray into negativity, but a cautionary list to remind you to keep an eye on your favorite artists; this way you can predict ahead of time when they’re gonna pop, and use this info to...to show off how smart you are to your friends, I guess. Because really, what the fuck else are you gonna do with your info? Save these people from dying? What do you matter to anybody? Even among the few people on this planet you do know, who listens to you anyway?

So stay positive, gentle reader. On to business…

Kurt Cobain’s death was tragic and shocking, and still bothers many of us long years later. Could it have been prevented? Could someone have intervened? Admittedly, these things are impossible to know, and hindsight is always 20/20, but I would like to make the argument that perhaps (just perhaps) there was something in some of Nirvana’s songs that might have hinted at Cobain’s ultimately self-destructive self-loathing.

5) “I Hate Myself and Want to Die”

This was, of course, supposed to be cheekily sarcastic at the time. And it still is, I guess, I mean there's nothing about the song that indicates...

Guh. Let's just move on.

4) “Rape Me”

Much of Cobain’s lyrical intent throughout his career is speculative. In songs like this, that ambiguity can be maddening. Interpretations vary, but here’s what we do know: Cobain wasn’t a misogynist. He idolized women, liked songs by women, and perhaps even wanted to be a woman, in a way that wasn’t creepy so much as it was sad.

So no matter what you think: whether this is a song about how Cobain felt the media was destroying his image (or even just him), whether this is about martyrdom, whether this is supposed to be suggestive of the need for vigilante retribution on rapists…it’s obviously an attempt to make some sort of well-intentioned point. Yet in reaching that point (whatever it is), we come to learn that mental resignation, powerlessness, the absence of self-worth, and a lack of concern for maintaining physical integrity are seen as contextually normative to Cobain.

This is (probably) not a healthy outlook.

3) “All Apologies”

In this song, Cobain reaches one of his few moments of enlightened clairvoyance, and has answers ready for everyone, all some variation of this: he just sucks. He’s sorry he makes everyone miserable and he hates himself for being inherently unhappy, but he also understands by now that whenever he feels good, he feels tied down and dead inside. This is not a good combo. Also not good: this is considered one of Nirvana’s lighter songs.

2) “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle”

You can look at this in two ways (I suppose). One is that this is just a straight-up tribute song to Farmer, but the thing is, Cobain probably liked her for a reason, you know? The second way to look at it is to say that this song was kind of a vehicle for Cobain to advance sonically beyond self-hatred, to let his rage creep out and infiltrate the rest of the world. (I read this not as that he hated the world so much, but that he had so much overflowing self-hatred that he finally needed somewhere else to put it.)

I mean again, though he may be writing from Farmer’s perspective to some degree, he sings about revenge, notes how much he preferred just being sad to how he feels now, and longs for Judgment Day to come.

Now this is an arguably understandable desire from Farmer’s point of view (she had a pretty shitty go of things), but again, why the fuck would you go out of your way to write a tribute song for Frances fucking Farmer if you didn’t feel some connection with her?

There’s also this; considering how awesome Seattle is, wishing for it to be destroyed is an especially bad omen.

Even just as tribute.

1) “Moist Vagina”

Whoops. Wrong list; this is actually number one on The Top 5 Nirvana Songs That Describe Raptor.

Number one on THIS list is…

1) “You Know You’re Right”

This probably has something (everything) to do with the haunting video and that it was released post-mortem, but I feel like this is the most powerful Nirvana song…depending on your viewpoint, it sounds either like a man mounting one last furious defense to expel his inner demons, or a man at last giving up on himself and hardily firing up the coal engine on the ghost train to hell. Either way, it belongs at number one.

In the song, Cobain is heedlessly propulsive in detailing how bad he feels that his woman (unfortunately, not Courtney Love) has left him. The overriding emotion he is left with is anger…not at her, but at himself, because he’s convinced she was right about him. Oh, and he screams “pain” at the top of his lungs something like 17 times.

Again, I’m just spitballing here. I'm sure Cobain experts could blow my ass apart.

But these seem to me like potential clues.

Top 5 Video Games

Raptor here saying all opinions stated in the following message are to be taken as fact.

As a mid 20’s red blooded American male, I’ve dabbled with video games all my life. I remember fondly defending America from ICBMs on my old Atari, the impossibility of the bike level of Battletoads, and destroyed the pride of Thailand with a head stomp and wind kick.

But what makes a game the best of the best? Replayability. Most games you can blow through in a couple of days, but then you’re just left with another cartridge collecting dust upon your shelf. These games kept you coming back for more well after you had stomped upon your final goomba.

5. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina in Time (N64)

This one was the hardest pick of the group and Zelda just narrowly edged out Super Mario 3 and the middle school awesomeness that was Street Fighter II. But I include it because this was the first time Zelda really came to life. And this is coming from a person who truly enjoyed the whole franchise. Ocarina just immersed you into the world of Hyrule with it’s expansive maps, fleshed out characters, and great animation. Sure it may seem boxy now but at the time I was completely blown away by the entire deal. And sure you could probably fly through the main plot, but there were so many fun sidequests to gain extra hearts, jars, and wallets that it took massive amounts of time to truly finish the game. Think Final Fantasy without the crappy turn based battle system (don’t get me wrong I liked those games too, I’m sufficiently nerdy, but I prefer to do my battling myself).

A friend of mine disappeared for an entire summer because of this game and I completely understood.

4. Madden 2003 (GC)

Every Madden has had some level of replayability, but this one was the only one my friends and I ever got past year 10 in franchise mode. This is also the game that lead to the most destroyed controllers (4 controller deaths can be directly linked to this game, narrowly edging out Madden 2006’s QB vision cone which lead to the destruction of 3 controllers). Really I think this version got most of it right. It introduced the Madden Trax which were pretty good, became annoying, and then somehow became good again. It allowed you to import NCAA classes (which also lead to the bizarre mixup where there were 2 Nate Vashers, Real Nate and the goateed Evil Nate). The graphics were pretty good. Most importantly the controls were tight and responsive unlike some of the later versions, especially on the next gen consoles, where it often took 3 seconds to get into your moves.

The only drawbacks I can think of are the fact that it created a completely irrational hatred of the real Ahman Green because computer Ahman would tear me up in the playoffs every year for 300+ yards and 27 break tackles.

3. Goldeneye (N64)-

When it comes to pure replayability nothing beats this game. I played this game consistently for 3 years. It was awesome in the one player mode. There was a great sense of pride in unlocking the Egyptian temple, or finally launching the moonraker in 007 mode. Why was it so good? It had great levels, that were pretty much shot for shot from the movie. It had responsive controls with perhaps the best first person shooter controller of all time.

And it had Bond.

But single player is only scratching the surface. The bread and butter was the multiplayer. Nothing was better than lining up the perfect head shot on your friends and then hearing the Tananana….brummmmm. How addictive was this? I don’t think I’m exaggerating at all when I say senior year of high school, the swim team played this every lunch period except maybe 5. We even sawed open the safety guard of a cable in a hotel during state to play.

2. Rock Band-

Now one could say, I’m prejudiced against the next gen consoles, and it’s not that. The graphics are great, but for the most part once you party your way through a game you never put it back in again. Enter Rock Band.

Who hasn’t wanted to be a rock star? Rock Band puts this dream tantalizingly close. You can jam on the guitar or bass, belt out some lyrics, or beat the shit out of some drums.

There’s surprisingly little to this whole game just hitting buttons in time to the beat, but it’s to the beat of some pretty awesome music. It’s one of the best group games of all time. And with new content coming out every week, theoretically, you'll never run out of new songs to master.

Hell, McBane is completely tone deaf, as evidenced by his thinking that Tegan is more rock than Sara, but goddamn if he doesn’t love banging out a little drum magic.

1. Perfect Dark-

These little fuckers toting Farsight XR20's were real bitches.

All you Master Chief fans can suck my balls. Joanna Dark is the queen of the FPS Universe.

This really has been the pinnacle of first person gaming. It had a great and highly replayable single player mode, and it had a plethora of multiplayer options. There was the straight up split screen action. Then you could also try and hold your own against sims of varying levels. There was also capture the flag, hacker mode, king of the hill, and my personal favorite Pop a Cap mode where one person was the assassin and you had to kill him to become the assassin. Other systems have come and copied a few of the options here and there, but none has packed them all into one package the PD did. Really nothing beat the Raptor/McBane races to 500 kills with 8 meat sims and nothing but slayers.

I don’t know how many times we’d be cramming for a test or finishing a paper at 3 AM and have this exact conversation:

Me: “ Soooooo, a little PD?”

McBane: “ Dude we got this test and we really need to study”

Me: “Ok. how many perfect sims”

McBane (while holding up 4 fingers): “No man I’ve got 30 more pages to memorize”

Me: “Weapons draft?”

McBane: “Seriously dude, only one game…”

Sometime after the sun came up, we eventually got back to reading.

Ok, maybe I am prejudiced against the next gens, because for the most part they don’t get it. Yea, the graphics are light years ahead of what they were on the 64 or Genesis, but they fail to capture the spirit of game play. Sure capping some random Korean kid from Seoul over the magic of the internet is great, but it doesn’t beat the satisfaction of taunting your friends right there in the same room that you just shot them in the head.

God I miss that game…sigh…

Top 5 Humans

McBane here, and now back to C.O.P.S.

Now ignore that obscure reference that Raptor forced me to make and move on to the issue at hand, which is this: you may be inclined to pick differently for this list. The problem is, you haven’t thought things through, or even just done your research. Take MLK, for instance. Sounds like a solid choice, right? Well, that’s only because you’re unfamiliar with the excellent argument Sarah Silverman makes against him:

“I'm working on an open letter and it goes like this. Guess what, Martin Luther King, I had a fuckin' dream, too! I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn't my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the backyard and there's a pool and as I'm diving in, there's a shark coming up from the water... with braces! So maybe you're not so fucking special! Martin Loser King! Yeah, I wanna be the first comic ever to shit on Martin Luther King because people only talk about the good things. They don't mention he was a litterbug. He would roll up all the windows and lock them and fart in the car with the heat up while his family suffered... and he would laugh.” – Sarah Silverman

Basically, there are insightful arguments like this for a lot of so-called great humans. This means before you question me, the wisest thing you should ask yourself is this: is McBane smarter than me?

If the answer is yes, then how can you be in a position to question me?

So do yourself a favor and don’t say anything that proves how stupid you are. This list is 100% accurate.

5) Christopher Hitchens

Being an intellectually elitist British atheist is pretty ballsy; not only are you giving the middle finger to the world at large, but to God himself. Hitchens is basically saying that he’s so confident that we’re all fucked, that we should go ahead and say fuck the percentages. This takes courage. On a personal level, I respect his outlook greatly, since I always reluctantly identify myself as a Catholic to hedge my bets.

In fact, the truth of the matter is I find myself agreeing with Hitchens on pretty much everything he says, even when I want to punch him (which is basically every time I see him). The fact that he’s so similar to me obviously marks him for greatness.

4) Simon Cowell

The model immigrant. Creator of jobs for people with no talent. Makes millions of Americans happy every week despite having no talent himself. Producer (and exporter) of pure shit that people nonetheless throw their money at, improving our economy at no opportunity cost to us.

So, immigrants: try to be more like Cowell.

3) Cristiano Ronaldo

Inarguably the greatest soccer forward ever already despite only being 23 (or so), the two-faced Ronaldo rocks the fauxhawk long past the sell-by date, always disappears in big games, is a whiner, is a crybaby, is a schemer, is endlessly effeminate, and is a gay pinup. He also keeps casual fans from getting interested in soccer: after all, what kind of sport is soccer if Ronaldo is the best player?

That’s right: the man basically has no flaws. After all, the most entertaining thing about activities that really have no consequence regarding the world at large, like sports, pro wrestling and African genocide, is cheering for the villains. (Okay…African genocide excepted.) In sports it’s too tiring to keep trying to convince yourself and others that the athletes from your area are morally superior to the athletes from their area. Why? Because it’s a ridiculous, brainless, shameful lie. Athletes are (usually) one-dimensional, callous, stupid lemmings who are out to make as much money as they can. Thus, it’s much more fun to root for the biggest douchebags you can find – they are at least honest about being dicks, and are sympathetic to a degree since they are ostracized in the media for actually speaking their mind (which is ironically what the media and fans actually want them to do).

Yes, enjoying the triumphs of athletes like Ronaldo makes sports victories that we identify with (despite playing no part in them) feel so much sweeter. Not only do you get to follow a winner, but you get to enjoy the indignant anger and frustration of self-righteous fans when so-called “evil” triumphs over “good” (even though neither exists within the context of a sporting event). And what’s more fun than that?

This enlightened line of reasoning kind of overlaps with…

2) Pete Wentz

I left him off my earlier Top 5 Americans list only because he’s possibly Jewish and thus shouldn’t count. (Ha!) Wentz is of course the bassist for Fall Out Boy, which is often referred to as an emo band seemingly because he (and he alone in the band) wears eyeliner (even though FOB sounds suspiciously like straight-ahead pop rock). Wentz does a lot of the pretentious songwriting, pretends to contribute on vocals, and is an astonishingly mediocre bass player. But his exploits don’t stop there. He married Ashlee Simpson. He thinks the Earth has only five continents. He’s posted pictures of his dick online. I’ve read two (2) interviews with him, in which he’s compared himself and his band/friends to characters from The Goonies and The Wizard of Oz.

That’s right: Wentz is completely ridiculous in every fashion, and is only respected/admired by stupid teenage white girls (who adore him). I’d make him a 2-1 in Vegas of being convicted of statutory rape by the end of the calendar year.

So, what’s not to like? What more can he do, people? Do you want your rock stars to be normal self-loathing miserable bastards like yourselves? Pete Wentz does you a favor: he gives you a justifiable target for your resentment, perhaps more so than any musician ever has.

And it makes him a Great Human.

1) The Stanford Tree

This is a no-brainer. The tree is the only good thing about the only elitist university in California; it has thrown a beach party in economics class (Will Rothacker), has been arrested for drunkenness during a basketball game (Erin Lashnits; her blood alcohol level was actually twice the legal limit for drunk driving), has been ejected from a NCAA Tournament game for dancing too much (Tommy Leep), has been shot (Chuck Armstrong), has been set on fire (identity unverified), and has even done an interview with Playboy detailing tree-love exploits (identity also unverified).

And the astounding thing is, these are the only tree achievements that I could fully document online. The legend is even greater, and I’d get started on it, but I wouldn’t know where to stop. Just remember that the Stanford Tree brings irreverence to one of the places on this planet most in need of it; that basically means whoever is the Stanford Tree at any moment is the single greatest human there is.

Q.E.D.

Top 5 Ridiculous Purchases I’d Make First If I Won The Lottery

Raptor here, fighting crime in a future time.

Now everyone has there lottery shopping list somewhere, the things they’d do and buy with the winnings. Most are simple things like pay off debt of you and your family, buy a nice house, go on an old school Eurotrip, etc… That’s all good and all but you’re basically operating under the guise that the money wouldn’t corrupt you.

I have no such illusions. As a poor techie and a disillusioned ex-film student, there would be very little keeping me from going off the deep end and becoming a Mysterio-esque super villain if i found a little bit of funding.

But just because I’m rich and G Gordon Liddy crazy doesn’t mean I don’t operate on a budget. Here’s my list of things assuming that the winnings in the medium payout range of around 20 million.

5. Blink 182

Why I’d get it: Ok I’m not buying them, I’m just renting there services for the night. But in honor of my winning a massive amount of money don’t I have to throw a massive party ala Old School?

Why it’s ridiculous: Why do all my fantasies somehow reference Will Farrell movies?

4. Bumper Car Set and ball pit-

Why I’d get it: Because every home seems in complete without bumper cars. I’d put this right next to my ball pit. And unlike Michael’s Neverland Ranch children are not allowed in. No one is peeing or puking in my ball pit.

Why it’s ridiculous: I’d probably wind up drunk driving the bumper cars then staggering over and puking in the ball pit.

3. Fozi the Bear.

Why I’d get it: Not just your run of the mill Plush Fozi. Not just another 4 foot replica that I spent like 60 bucks on the coin drop game to earn tickets for. But a real life size usable Muppet. Something I’ve wanted for years. I’m saying right now I would immediately start going to children’s hospitals with this thing. You here that America? Me doing charity work, for kids. It goes against everything I stand for, but it’s the only application I could come up with that wouldn’t make me look completely bat shit insane (though there would be hours long rehearsals in front of mirrors).

Why it’s ridiculous: All my impersonations wind up sounding like Kermit, Donn Knotts, or Sean Connery.


2. A SuperBowl Ad.

Why it’s Awesome- Because I’m awesome. And really that message needs to get out.
Do I have any idea of what I would put on this ad? How about 30 seconds of me getting up in the morning? Or me talking to the camera while peeing? Really I just want to be the first rich person to be ostentatious enough to do something like this.

Why it’s ridiculous?- I can’t come up with one


1.Isla Rancheria

Why I’d get it: Who doesn’t want there own island. You could get away from it all, all of your worries, hassles, authorities, and extradition laws.

Why it’s ridiculous: So many reasons why me with my own island would be bad. First there’d be the inaugural Deadliest Game games starring McBane as the hunted. Then there would probably be the inevitable declaration of independence and succession from panama leading to an inevitable fight with some 3rd generation Noriega. I’d also be tempted to populate the place with midget’s living in hillside dugout homes.

Top 5 Motivational Posters

McBane here, giving you an early post to make up for the last post being late.

I love you.

The good folks at Despair, Inc. have started a paradigm shift in how motivational posters are created. With the help of their wonderful software, I've created five that they should have thought of long ago.

5) Diversity



4) Justice



3) Friendship



2) Visionaries



1) Terrorism

Top 5 Reasons This Top 5 List is Late

McBane here. Finally.

5) It’s an Easy Gimmick

By picking this topic I already gave myself a prefabricated reason; this meant I only needed to come up with four legitimate reasons.

4) I Couldn’t Come Up With Four Legitimate Reasons

Technically a bit of an exaggeration, because otherwise this list would stop here, but it does account for the tardiness.

3) I Was Pretending I Was Struggling to Make My Deadline When I Really Just Had Other Things I Wanted to Do

Why was I pretending? Because indifference is not forgivable; luckily, stupidity is.

2) I’m Too Stupid to Come Up With Two Legitimate Reasons

Now forgive me.

1) I Couldn’t Think of a More Unsatisfying Topic in Time

Quality control means a lot to me; I’m not happy until you’re not happy.

Luckily I think we've reached that point already.

Top 5 Worst Movies

Raptor here, downing Advil like Sweettarts.

This is a completely different list than the anger inducing movies list. These movies were just epically bad. Not in the fun way of Manos Hands of Fate either. They are just bad with no redeeming values.

5. Lucky You:

Congrats Hollywood, I didn’t think you could make a movie with Eric Bana that I didn’t like (Barrymore however had a nice run of awful there in the mid 90’s, but has started to head back into the tolerable range). None of the characters are likable. You have Eric Bana the compulsive gambler trying to make the big game, always living in the shadows of his old man. He proceeds to spend the entire movie screwing people over and stealing. When he finally makes it to the final table and he folds to his dad for no particular reason.

4. Freddy Got Fingered:

OK this movie had two pretty brilliant moments with the absurd “daddy would you like some sausage” organ, and the searching for treasure in the shower. The other 86 minutes? Awful Incarnate. If Satan spilled semen on celluloid it would probably look something like this movie.

3. Female Perversions:

I went to this movie with the expectations of graphic female nudity. I was presented with naked Tilda Swinton. And the hits just kept coming. The plot meanders and eventually climaxes (?) with Swinton talking to a girl who buries her tampons in homage to all her dead “babies”.

2. The Matrix Revolutions:

The General summed up this piece of crap movie best when he states quite clearly, “None of this makes any sense!” The epic battle scene involves the humans who apparently had no idea how to make weapons or vehicles for stopping there robot adversaries. Mechanical bipedal gatling guns? That can only very slowly and along the two skinny platforms between the to sides of the chasm? That’s all you got?

How bad is this movie? It rendered the first two great movies unwatchable.

1. Battlefield Earth:

John Travolta did such a great job reviving his career with Pulp Fiction and Get Shorty that he felt the need to damage his career irreparably. Thus equalibrium was restored to the universe.

Unlike most science fiction writers or at least the good ones, L Ron Hubbard never liked to do things like research or make coherent plots. Luckily for him there are plenty of people in this world who have ADD and a general lack of ability to read. What happens when one of those people attention span deprived illiterates tries to rewrite a hackneyed trainwreck into a screenplay? You get 9/11 times 1 million in movie form.

Top 5 Differences Between Men and Women

McBane here. I worked in a job in athletics where I had to travel with a bunch of women some times, and a bunch of men at other times. Did you know that women are sociologically different from men in some ways? And that they can even physiologically do some things men can’t do? It’s true! For example…

5) Women Can Have Babies

How ‘bout that!

Okay, now on to the sociological differences…

4) Women Stay Terrible People Forever

Women live to judge other people. Men do this too, but generally, our scales are a bit different. Women judge people by some weird strict internal morality code that they don’t even subject themselves to. Hence they need no ration or logic when hating things. Especially when it comes to men; it’s easy to hate what you don’t understand.

Men, conversely, mellow out as life beats them down, to the point where they just try and stumble their way to their nightly dosage of alcohol.

3) Women Can Wear Stupid Shit

Gwen Stefani is a good example of this. Ms. Stefani has been wearing stupid shit her entire adult life. And it works. Women want to be friends with her, and men want to get drunk and bang her on the first date (while still wanting to start a real relationship with her afterwards). Yet if a man wears Sansabelt slacks ONE TIME in an absolute emergency he’s a fashion outcast for life.

Not that I did it.

2) Women are Really, Really Hot When They’re Really, Really Young

I’m not really sure I personally agree with this one (like possible pedophile/probable Miley Cyrus stalker/proven mildly-recent-dater-of-18-year-olds Raptor does), it’s just something that I’ve come to understand that society feels in general (just watch teevee or read a magazine and see how them kiddos are dressin’ nowadays). I’ve learned that apparently it’s okay to have underage girls pose with virtually no clothes in shows or on the covers of magazines, but if a boy does then it’s one step short of molestation. (Don’t get me wrong, I am not in favor of male equality in this instance. I’m just trying to make a point here.)

Also, the reason this is at two is because I’ve noticed women complain about this shit men do where men try to find women beneath their age to date. This would be a good argument, except you know who dates these men? Women. And consider the other side of the coin: I don’t think me or any of the guys I went to high school with would complain about going out with a college chick. But generally college chicks won’t be caught dead dating a high school guy, while the reverse happens all the time. I’m not sure how this could be men’s fault, but I am sure a woman will explain it to me.

And of course, the biggest difference of all (drumroll please)…

1) Women Cry When You Beat Them

And they don’t take losing well, either!

(Clash of cymbals!)

Thank you folks, I’ll be here all week! Remember to tip your waitress!

Top 5 Enemies for Batman 3.

Raptor here, regretting ever introducing McBane to Tegan and Sara.

So by now everyone’s seen The Dark Knight. And if you haven’t you are no one (That’s right I’m talking to you my Amish readers). Heath Ledger gives an excellent performance as one of Batman’s greatest archenemies the Joker. But who will be the next villain in the Nolan line of films? It’s time to look at a list of Batman’s greatest nemeses that are left, so we aren’t left with some of the more worthless characters like Calender Man or Crazy Quilt.

5. Harley Quinn-

Pros: Created for the 90’s series Batman: The Animated Series, Harley became a surprisingly well rounded character that found her way back into the comic series.

Cons: She’s a Joker disciple, and unless Ledger’s death is the most brilliant and uncouth marketing hoax of all time it’s not going to happen.

4. Mr. Freeze-

Pros: A mad scientist who’s failed experiments to save his wife lead to his own disfigurement/personality problems. If re-imaged and toned down a bit, he could fit in well with the what seems to be a no superpowered villain universe Nolan has so far imagined.

Cons: Arnold Schwartenagger pretty much killed this character.

3. Bane-

Pros: He’s incredibly strong, and while smart, he keeps his plots to overthrow things simple and grounded. He’s a ‘roided out freak who wears a luchadore’s mask. He also did the unthinkable when he broke Batman in ways Ivan Draco only dreamed. Sending Bruce Wayne into self exile is no small feat. Tell me you couldn’t see the rock playing this guy.

Cons: He keeps his schemes simple and grounded which doesn’t exactly jive in the Nolanverse.

2. Black Mask-

Pros- Let’s start with him killing a Robin. Granted it was a girl Robin, but it’s a Robin none the less. He’s ruthless and sadistic kingpin of a drug trafficking ring. He killed Catwoman’s brother-in-law and made her sister eat him. If that didn’t run him up the charts for the level of darkness appropriate for the next Batman movie nothing will.

Cons: He pails in comparison to the evil of….

1. Joel Schumacher

Pros: No one has done more damage to Batman than Joel Schumacher, and that’s including the campy 60’s television show. His crimes include Batman Forever and Batman and Robin. But most damning of all where the bat nipples.

Cons: None, but it won’t happen because no film company has the balls to hold him accountable.

Top 5 Tests That Show Just How Liberal You Are, You Liberal

McBane here. You know who’s secretly a liberal? That’s right: YOU. So this is a test for you, all you liberals. Are you a reasonable, intelligent, pragmatic secular humanist (like all good liberals should be) or are you just looney fucking tunes?

If you like each of these pairings equally, it means you have room for improvement. That’s because each of these matchups has a right answer and a wrong answer regarding which one you should like more. If you get all five right, pat yourself on the back. You’re a great person! Conversely, if you don’t nail all five, you are probably godless and soulless and bloodless and brainless and hairless or whatever else Ann Coulter might call you.

5) Tegan v. Sara

GOOD LIBERAL PREFERS: Tegan

BAD LIBERAL PREFERS: Sara

The band designed for liberals. They are lesbian and Canadian and they do folk rock. How much more lefty can you get?

But guess what? Tegan likes to rock. Tegan has a rocker voice. Tegan plays a rocking guitar. Tegan writes all the best songs. Sara likes to gaze at her navel and slowly craft terrible songs that we all have to put up with because she’s 50% of the band. If you like Sara you probably think French people are cool. You certainly don’t care about music. You certainly don’t care about sound. You certainly can’t admit to yourself that you’re annoyed by the quality of Sara’s voice and guitar.

No, liberal, but you’re certainly fucking pretentious.

4) Salon v. Slate

GOOD LIBERAL PREFERS: Slate

BAD LIBERAL PREFERS: Salon

A novice liberal will not be able to distinguish between these, the only two successful webzines in the world. And indeed, at this point in time they have become rather similar. However, a Level 9 Liberal will despise Slate irrationally for its well-funded beginnings and the rational, calm analysis it used to espouse, and love Salon for the expansive, bombastic liberal style it used to engage more often in, as well as the easier-to-navigate slick presentation.

Good human people will feel the opposite way for the same reasons.

(Side note: I prefer Salon over Slate. See? I’m fallible.)

3) San Francisco v. Seattle

GOOD LIBERAL PREFERS: Seattle

BAD LIBERAL PREFERS: San Francisco

Very similar cities; cultural capitals, centers of technology, shitty weather, stinky hippies. Everything about both cities is cool. But in Seattle it’s an understated, inclusive kind of cool; it’s kind of a wetter Austin. It’s not an in-your-face Supergay kind of cool (which is only cool to people who are too liberal), like San Francisco is.

2) Cal v. Stanford

GOOD LIBERAL PREFERS: Cal

BAD LIBERAL PREFERS: Stanford

Both famously liberal, but Stanford gives off kind of a weird vibe. It’s a little snooty, a little too full of itself, a place where all the overachievers want to go. How many uncool people from your high school wanted to go to Stanford? Probably several. How about Cal? Try NONE.

Cal also gets extra points for referring to itself as Cal, and not Berkeley, and for icing Stanford in the coolest sports play ever.

Plus all the chicks at Stanford are ugly.

1) Napolitano v. Sebelius

GOOD LIBERAL PREFERS: Sebelius

BAD LIBERAL PREFERS: Napolitano

Both fiendishly awesome women governors (Napolitano in Arizona, Sebelius in Kansas), both in the top two of likely women Democratic vice presidential nominees (sorry Hil – you got no chance).

However, Napolitano has issues as a veep candidate. She’s an energetic veto-crazy native New Yorker and quite possibly a lesbian. Sebelius, meanwhile, is a subdued post-partisan pol who has caused several prominent Kansas Republicans to switch parties and who has also managed great approval ratings in an insanely red state while still being very liberal on the big issues.

Obviously Sebelius would be a better fit for the kind of politics Obama is interested in, and has the added benefit of being more electable than Napolitano. However she engenders a lot of hatred from the Hillary camp for being…well…different than Hillary, I guess. (This seems hypocritical, but I digress.)

Anyways, how’d you do?

You lose?

Wouldn’t surprise me…you liberal.

Top 5 Reasons You Will Hate The Dark Knight

Raptor here with what's been of late a rare Friday post.

Well folks, it’s been done. I’ve finally gone to see a movie in a theater at 615 in the morning and a much oversized theater at that. Being typically last minute, McBane, Frost, Cups and I were unable to secure tickets for the 1201 showings, nor the shockingly sold out 315 showings. No the only showing of The Dark Knight open (in IMAX) this entire weekend was the 615 showing. So I broke a long standing covenant I had arbitrarily made to never under any circumstances enter a theater under the cover of dark and leave in the basking rays of the morning sun.

But was it worth it? Totally. How good was it? Immensely great. But I want to beat McBane to the hating punch, so I dug around and found some things that bothered me.

5. The annoying fan boy in the row behind you who throughout the entire movie keeps saying, “ You know Harvey Dent becomes Two Face”.

Yes. OK. We get it. I’m fairly certain that everyone who dragged there asses out of bed to get in line by 530 in the morning probably has a good general knowledge of the subject matter. Please just shut up so I can try and understand what Christian Bale is trying to say in his rasp whisper.

4. Maggie Gyllenhaal’s nude scenes were left on the cutting room floor.

So you replace the wry smiling Katie Holmes with the Secretary and leave out the naked? Is that legal?

I don’t know if there are any actually nude scenes with Mag’s in can somewhere, but really nudity makes any thing better. Wait, let me rephrase. Boobs make everything better. Except for Sandra Oh’s. (to recap: Secretary’s nudity-Good!, Dancing at the Blue Iguana’s nudity- Frowny Face)

3. Nolan let’s Shyamalan direct the films climax.

********Spoiler Alert*******

In the final showdown, Batman and the Joker stare at each other for 5 minutes uninterrupted before the Joker reveals he is in fact Bruce Wayne’s father.

*******End Spoiler*******

2. In his last full role before his death, Heath Ledger really mails it in.

His lack of will to live is visually contagious.

OK I admit those last two were lies. It’s hard to come up with stuff to hate about the movie, because it’s really pretty g--damn fucking good. It had to be to keep my rapt attention for 2+ hours when my body wanted to shutdown to sleep. But this last one is a total party foul.

1. Your “friend” makes you wait for him outside so he can get his ticket for 30 minutes, making you look like a bigger loser than all the people streaming in wearing bad Joker face paint.

Last night in the planning stage while I was ordering the tickets online, McBane was very adamant about showing up at 5 AM minimum to get in line. He reiterated more than once his firmness that I show up to pick up the tickets at or before 5 AM. That may sound repetitive, but it mirrors the conversation pretty much. Using context clues I gathered how important this was to him and show up promptly at 455 to pick up the tickets and proceed to wait on the front patio for 30 minutes.

Thanks Ass-hat.

Top 5 Even Better Hypothetical Bands

McBane here.

You ever read a post of Raptor’s and wonder: what the fuck is he talking about? Is he illiterate? Dyslexic? Mentally retarded? Some combo of the above? Or is he simply stupid?

Forget all that. Trying to figure it out will just make your head hurt. Let’s instead get to the first point of this rock-off: I win. That’s right, Raptor violated one of the rules of the rock-off (read the article) by making John Bonham a drummer for one of his groups. An explanation for those of you who don’t understand music: Bonzo is better than every other drummer. Ever. If drumming was the universe, John Bonham would be God. This isn’t just me pretending like I know it all. This is an honest fact.

No really, it’s a fact. Don’t believe me? You can check any list of the greatest drummers anywhere (and it must be a “list” where the listmaker knows multiple drummers, not the ravings of some dipshit Canadian saying that Neil Peart from Rush is fucking awesome…[which he is…but not compared to Bonham]). If the listmaker is a cock he might slide Bonham in at two to try and put a drummer of a band he likes first, but no matter what Bonham IS ALWAYS IN THE TOP TWO.

Always.

And Raptor is a fucking cheater for using him.

That said, let’s coast to victory.

5) “Cunt Bomb”

Genre – Feminist Agitpop-Grunge

Vocals - Shirley Manson - Garbage

Guitar - Kurt Cobain - Nirvana

Bass - Kim Deal - Pixies

Drums - Demetra Plakas – L7

Wild Card - Corin Tucker – Sleater-Kinney

Before we go any further, let’s remember the point here is to create a good sound. Raptor seems very proud of himself in putting a band together filled with suicide victims, but I think both you and I know how stupid that band would be. I mean hey, it’s great that Sid Vicious killed himself, but the man never knew how to play bass, and he certainly didn’t do melancholy.

So if you do a gimmick band like this, you gotta do it right. And what do we have here? A fem-fuck-you grunge band with a Scottish chick fronting it. Cobain gets his dream of playing with all women and perhaps becomes even more prolific. Powerful feminist overtones but still cool anyway. Great cross-demographic appeal.

That's how you do it, Raptor.

4) “Mayhem's Mistress”

Genre – Ballad Metal

Vocals - Christina Aguilera

Guitar - Slash – Guns N’ Roses

Bass - Cliff Burton - Metallica

Drums - Dave Grohl - Nirvana

Wild Card - Keith Emerson – Emerson, Lake and Palmer

Even I have to admit some ’80 metal was borderline captivating. This would essentially be a band defined by ’80s metal ballads that would actually rock. I'd look forward to every new release; and hey, if this band can make a believer out of me, it’s obviously pretty goddamn good.

3) “Haywire Deluxe”

Genre – Undefinable Kickass Clusterfuck

Vocals - Bjork

Guitar - Tom Morello – Rage Against the Machine

Bass - Les Claypool - Primus

Drums - Carl Palmer – Emerson, Lake and Palmer

Wild Card - Jonny Greenwood – Radiohead

Wow. I want to hear this one RIGHT NOW. These are the five artists that come to mind when I think what it would be like to hear a song played inside-out. Innovative, creative bastards abound on this list, and they’re all open-minded enough to attempt playing with anyone. Would be a captivating band even if terrible.

2) “Checkmate”

Genre – Arena Rock

Vocals - Bono – U2

Guitar - Jimmy Page – Led Zeppelin

Bass - Jack Bruce - Cream

Drums - Keith Moon – The Who

Wild Card - David Bowie

Just a fantastic fucking band all the way around that would absolutely rock your ass off. Bowie’s inclusion gives it a little extra flavor, a little personality. Virtually unbeatable. Could only be topped by the greatness of…

1) “Juggernaut”

Genre – Awesome Fucking Rock

Vocals - Robert Plant – Led Zeppelin

Guitar - Santana

Bass - John Entwhistle – The Who

Drums - Ringo Starr – The Beatles

Wild Card - Jack White – The White Stripes

Four of the most gifted rockers that there have ever been, coupled with a man that understands better than anyone how to chill out and just keep the beat. The way rock should be: killer intros, outros, and solos from three try-anything guitarists with a proven ability to play alongside anyone, with the best singer in the history of rock thrown in for good measure. (Plus if the guitarists ever get bored, it should be noted that Ringo’s drum fills are pretty underrated.) What more could you want from a band? Nothing! Ha ha! Woo-hahaHAHAHA!!!

(Ladies and gentlemen, your rock off champion…McBane!)

Top 5 Hypothetical Bands

Raptor here dropping the gauntlet. I’m challenging McBane to a rock off. Something to fight and argue about later, in that order.

To be completely fair, McBane turned me onto the Klosterman article this idea came from. But to be even more completely fair he wouldn’t have known who Klosterman was if it wasn’t for me lending him Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa puffs (to get all James Lipton on you, if you haven’t read it, go, nay, RUN! to your local bookery).

Basically the gist of it for those too lazy to read the link, is there is a challenge to create the most bad ass band of all time. Basic rules include not being able to choose more than one member from any already formed band ( I think we could agree replacing Ringo with Keith Moon would have made the already greatest of all time Beatles into an epic title wave of musical nirvana. But much like hearing an angel’s actual name, hearing even a measure would cause your brain to orgasm to death. A little much?). You are allowed one lead singer, one lead guitarist, one drummer, one bassist, and one wildcard who can play anything and do back up vocals. For the sake of this list, I’m adding the additional rule that once a musician is used in one band they cannot be used again.

5. Front and Center

Genre- Flamboyant Rock
Lead Vocals- David Lee Roth- Van Halen
Lead Guitar- Joe Perry- Aerosmith
Bassist- Gene Simmons-Kiss
Drummer- Rick Allen- Def Leopard
Wildcard- Elvis Costello

Bring it loud and bring it proud, this would be the most awesome face melting show you've ever been to. The entire lower level would be destroyed by the pyrotechnics.

4.Westminster
Genre- Showmanship
Lead Vocals- Michael McKean, Spinal Tap, The Folksmen
Lead Guitar- Dweezil Zappa
Bassist- Bootsy Collins, Parlaiment
Drummer- Brian Rosenworcel, Guster
Wildcard- Geddy Lee, Rush

A collaboration of 5 of more talented showman of the group. Are they musically talented? The answer is undoubtedly yes. But more than that, these guys know how to put on a show (though Brian may have to be replaced after some tragic drumming accident). Plus they’d all probably hang out with you after the show

3.The Mason-Dixon Line
Genre- Southern/Swamp Explosion
Lead Vocals- Ronnie Van Zant- Lynard Skinner
Lead Guitar- Hughie Thomasson- The Outlaws
Bassist- Lonnie Turner- Steve Miller Band
Drummer- Butch Trucks- The Allman Brothers
Wildcard- John Fogerty- CCR

I’ve been living in the South way to damn long and this band sounds absolutely enthralling. They would record one album that would go double platinum in Alabama alone before Fogerty decided he wasn’t going to talk to the rest of the group and RoboVanZant went on a 4 month coke binge which depending on if robots work like they do in Futurama could make the second album into Visceral Aural Sex, or conversely the second coming of the Spin Doctors Sophomore album Turn It Upside-down.

2.Needle in the Hay

Genre- Melancholy, Suicide Notes, and Soundtracks to Snuff Films
Lead Vocals- Kurt Cobain- Nirvana
Lead Guitar- Doug Hopkins- Gin Blossoms
Bassist- Sid Viscious- Sex Pistols
Drummer- John Bonham- Led Zeppelin
Wildcard- Nick Drake

Imagine the Curtain going up on this band and blue spotlight aimed at Kurt Cobaine. They lead off with Lithium and follow that up with Hey, Jealousy. The spotlight fades from Cobaine and one slowly lights up on Drak whose quietly leading everyone in in slightly rocked up version of From The Morning. Of course the show would eventually devolve as all the robots spend the entirety of the show becoming despondent and attempting a series Groundhog Day-esque suicides.

1. The Deadmen Walking-
Genre- Hair Glam Metal Rock or HaGlaMock
Lead Vocals- Freddie Mercury, Queen
Lead Guitar- George Harrison, the Beatles
Bassist- Cliff Burton, Metallica
Drummer- Keith Moon, The Who
Wildcard- Axl Rose, Guns ‘N Roses

Why this band? Because it’s the greatest assembly of versatile dead/may-as-well-be-dead-because-Chinese Democracy-is-more-likely-to-break-out-in-reality-than-it-is-to-in album-form. It’s also a collection of the rockers who get overshadowed by some of their peers, and who in this collective would put some real grit and awesomeness into the music to be used as vengeance for being overlooked.

You could do almost anything with this band. Imagine a cover of Revolution with Keith Moon beating the living shit out of the drums and Freddy Mercury wailing with his freakishly operatic voice. Now imagine them doing a cover of Jeremy. Did it blow your mind?

Top 5 Places to Land if You Fall From an Airplane

McBane here again, with the info that you need to know as you hurtle toward your certain death at terminal velocity.

5) A Haunted House

To me, this is just a good clean fun way to die with the added benefit that you don’t have to feel bad about you’re doing. People would like it! Plus your ghost could haunt the place forever, if the place isn’t haunted already. That would be kind of cool. Plus if it IS haunted you could pick up tips from the other ghosts.

4) Raptor’s Toilet

Might be gross. But I’ve given you all these free Top 5s. So do this for me. Why? Because he’d die of fecal poisoning. The man is a shit factory. His gas has stopped traffic. His emissions are unbearably salty and gassy and will immediately increase the humidity in the room by nine percent. He can bury a deep compression fart in a couch that only comes out when you crash on it years later and turn over wrong in the middle of the night. Not having his toilet available would mean he’d be dead within a day, either from intestinal explosion or from the stench in his room (which he would use as an alternative).

Plus the fumes from Raptor’s toilet might knock you out before you hit the ground. Always a good thing.

3) Another Airplane

I just thought of this one. It’s probably a good idea. It might be a short enough fall where you could possibly survive and latch on to the other plane. Of course, it could also be too far of a fall and you could become a human projectile. Then you’d die as a terrorist and no one wants that. (Well. Not me or anyone reading this blog.) So use this one judiciously.

2) Rush Limbaugh

So inflated by his own hot air that the cushion might actually be thick enough to possibly save you.

1) The Altar of Your Ex’s Second Wedding

This would be great. First of all, it’s a pretty bad omen. It would cast a dark, dark cloud over your ex’s future marriage. Plus the splatter would annihilate all the wedding dresses, and would look pretty terrible on videotape. This would not only mean your ex could never pull out anything to make him or her enjoy their wedding again, but that they would be an unhappy YouTube legend and people would stop to make fun of them in the street.

Now is this petty? Well, yeah.

But hey, if you don’t want to die being petty, you need to seriously reexamine your beliefs.

Top 5 Depressing Thoughts of the Day

Raptor here bringing tidings of cheer and good will to the masses. Or something like that.

5. I’m starting to see an eerie parallel between my life and that of George Costanza’s.

Middling jobs, no real chance to push myself, no drive to push myself, and I’ve always wanted to be an architect (except I can’t draw). I’ve also begun to shout randomly when I get excited. The one key difference between the tow of us at this point is George seems to pull in a surprisingly large amount of tail despite his lack of looks. I’d say I have the inverse of that.

4. They’re firing up the largest particle accelerator in Cern soon, which could potentially destroy the earth.

In general it’s a very small like 0.0001% chance that it could happen, but there is a chance. Apparently slamming tiny protons at one another at high rates of speed has the potential of creating mini black holes that if they don’t dissipate fast enough have the potential of falling to the center of the earth and devouring us from the inside out. Typically the scientists involved say that if you believe that you have a limited understanding of particle physics, but when pressed further into whether it’s statistically possible they concede yea it is.

I’m not all that worried about it nor do I think anyone should be, but I probably should stay away from Cern, having some of the worst luck in the world. Oh and just so as not to tempt fate let’s shut it off on December 21, 2012.

3. It cost me $44 to fill up my 11 gallon gas tank, and next week it could very well be $55.

There’s a variety of things driving up gas and all of them piss me off. We’ve all heard about troubles in the middle east, Chavez deciding to go all socialist, and the Iraq War. The one everyone seems to give a pass to is hippies. They’ve done a good job of limiting our ability to get oil. First they’ve done a great job of limiting our ability to gain access to our own resources. So there’s a drawback on the whole supply side. But after you pull it out of the ground you have to do something with it to make it viable. On that end, we haven’t built a new refinery since oh 1978 or so because it’s so damn hard to get licensing for the places. Then to compound things Katrina and Rita come through and do a great jobs of taking out a good portion of the refineries we have.

I have an uncle who’s working on fuel cell technology. It works great on the small scale, things like keeping cell phones powered up, but when you extrapolate that to something with the size and power of a car it becomes cost inefficient. You know those Honda commercials about hydrogen fuel cell cars. They’re pipe dreams right now. I mean they exist, but they cost between $500k to $1M to make. You know who gets them? Celebrities, who get them for free because they up the brands profile (another thing that pisses me off, once you are rich you start getting shit for free).

I get great gas mileage in my little civic with the toy car engine. I average between 32 to 37 miles per gallon depending on how much crap I have in my car. When I’m on long trips and allowed to speed a little I slide upward to 38.5 (55 mph optimal speed my ass). But I still wind up having to fill up like once a week and that takes a considerable bite out of my beer fund.

I hate hippies and environmentalists. In the words of Eric Cartman, “They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.”

2. Micheal Douglas helped create an energy crisis.

Hooray for The China Syndrome.

So with gas prices going up, it would be nice to get your home energy from something besides your local power plant which is probably running off of gasoline or god forbid coal. How about the power of the atom? Unfortunately, people fear this idea and would rather put out miles of those bird killing windmills or area intensive solar cells all of which are highly dependent upon weather conditions which change like…weather conditions.

Again this is another example of limiting ourselves and our capabilities.

1.Journey’s on tour again without Steve Perry… and I still may go.

This one pains me. no matter how well this Arnel Pineda can sing, it's just not the same. But at the same time, it's Journey..sort of. Plus Cheap Trick and Heart will be playing alongside.

Unlike the soulless McBane, I appreciate the awesomeness of 80’s music. And it’s not in the ironic sense, it’s in the this is fucking awesome kind of way. Look I appreciate today’s music intensely. I dig me some Tegan and Sara, I’m nuts for Guster, and I want to nail Kelly Clarkson. But the 80’s were the prim era for musical hooks. No one was better than this than Michael Jackson. But you can’t really go to any of his concerts right now without feeling really dirty and feeling immensely sad that he’s melting like the evil Nazi guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark. But Journey’s still touring with there somewhat nebulous band line up and damn it nothing can make a shitty day better than a little Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin.