Top 5 Worst Movies

Raptor here, downing Advil like Sweettarts.

This is a completely different list than the anger inducing movies list. These movies were just epically bad. Not in the fun way of Manos Hands of Fate either. They are just bad with no redeeming values.

5. Lucky You:

Congrats Hollywood, I didn’t think you could make a movie with Eric Bana that I didn’t like (Barrymore however had a nice run of awful there in the mid 90’s, but has started to head back into the tolerable range). None of the characters are likable. You have Eric Bana the compulsive gambler trying to make the big game, always living in the shadows of his old man. He proceeds to spend the entire movie screwing people over and stealing. When he finally makes it to the final table and he folds to his dad for no particular reason.

4. Freddy Got Fingered:

OK this movie had two pretty brilliant moments with the absurd “daddy would you like some sausage” organ, and the searching for treasure in the shower. The other 86 minutes? Awful Incarnate. If Satan spilled semen on celluloid it would probably look something like this movie.

3. Female Perversions:

I went to this movie with the expectations of graphic female nudity. I was presented with naked Tilda Swinton. And the hits just kept coming. The plot meanders and eventually climaxes (?) with Swinton talking to a girl who buries her tampons in homage to all her dead “babies”.

2. The Matrix Revolutions:

The General summed up this piece of crap movie best when he states quite clearly, “None of this makes any sense!” The epic battle scene involves the humans who apparently had no idea how to make weapons or vehicles for stopping there robot adversaries. Mechanical bipedal gatling guns? That can only very slowly and along the two skinny platforms between the to sides of the chasm? That’s all you got?

How bad is this movie? It rendered the first two great movies unwatchable.

1. Battlefield Earth:

John Travolta did such a great job reviving his career with Pulp Fiction and Get Shorty that he felt the need to damage his career irreparably. Thus equalibrium was restored to the universe.

Unlike most science fiction writers or at least the good ones, L Ron Hubbard never liked to do things like research or make coherent plots. Luckily for him there are plenty of people in this world who have ADD and a general lack of ability to read. What happens when one of those people attention span deprived illiterates tries to rewrite a hackneyed trainwreck into a screenplay? You get 9/11 times 1 million in movie form.