Top 5 Humans

McBane here, and now back to C.O.P.S.

Now ignore that obscure reference that Raptor forced me to make and move on to the issue at hand, which is this: you may be inclined to pick differently for this list. The problem is, you haven’t thought things through, or even just done your research. Take MLK, for instance. Sounds like a solid choice, right? Well, that’s only because you’re unfamiliar with the excellent argument Sarah Silverman makes against him:

“I'm working on an open letter and it goes like this. Guess what, Martin Luther King, I had a fuckin' dream, too! I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn't my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the backyard and there's a pool and as I'm diving in, there's a shark coming up from the water... with braces! So maybe you're not so fucking special! Martin Loser King! Yeah, I wanna be the first comic ever to shit on Martin Luther King because people only talk about the good things. They don't mention he was a litterbug. He would roll up all the windows and lock them and fart in the car with the heat up while his family suffered... and he would laugh.” – Sarah Silverman

Basically, there are insightful arguments like this for a lot of so-called great humans. This means before you question me, the wisest thing you should ask yourself is this: is McBane smarter than me?

If the answer is yes, then how can you be in a position to question me?

So do yourself a favor and don’t say anything that proves how stupid you are. This list is 100% accurate.

5) Christopher Hitchens

Being an intellectually elitist British atheist is pretty ballsy; not only are you giving the middle finger to the world at large, but to God himself. Hitchens is basically saying that he’s so confident that we’re all fucked, that we should go ahead and say fuck the percentages. This takes courage. On a personal level, I respect his outlook greatly, since I always reluctantly identify myself as a Catholic to hedge my bets.

In fact, the truth of the matter is I find myself agreeing with Hitchens on pretty much everything he says, even when I want to punch him (which is basically every time I see him). The fact that he’s so similar to me obviously marks him for greatness.

4) Simon Cowell

The model immigrant. Creator of jobs for people with no talent. Makes millions of Americans happy every week despite having no talent himself. Producer (and exporter) of pure shit that people nonetheless throw their money at, improving our economy at no opportunity cost to us.

So, immigrants: try to be more like Cowell.

3) Cristiano Ronaldo

Inarguably the greatest soccer forward ever already despite only being 23 (or so), the two-faced Ronaldo rocks the fauxhawk long past the sell-by date, always disappears in big games, is a whiner, is a crybaby, is a schemer, is endlessly effeminate, and is a gay pinup. He also keeps casual fans from getting interested in soccer: after all, what kind of sport is soccer if Ronaldo is the best player?

That’s right: the man basically has no flaws. After all, the most entertaining thing about activities that really have no consequence regarding the world at large, like sports, pro wrestling and African genocide, is cheering for the villains. (Okay…African genocide excepted.) In sports it’s too tiring to keep trying to convince yourself and others that the athletes from your area are morally superior to the athletes from their area. Why? Because it’s a ridiculous, brainless, shameful lie. Athletes are (usually) one-dimensional, callous, stupid lemmings who are out to make as much money as they can. Thus, it’s much more fun to root for the biggest douchebags you can find – they are at least honest about being dicks, and are sympathetic to a degree since they are ostracized in the media for actually speaking their mind (which is ironically what the media and fans actually want them to do).

Yes, enjoying the triumphs of athletes like Ronaldo makes sports victories that we identify with (despite playing no part in them) feel so much sweeter. Not only do you get to follow a winner, but you get to enjoy the indignant anger and frustration of self-righteous fans when so-called “evil” triumphs over “good” (even though neither exists within the context of a sporting event). And what’s more fun than that?

This enlightened line of reasoning kind of overlaps with…

2) Pete Wentz

I left him off my earlier Top 5 Americans list only because he’s possibly Jewish and thus shouldn’t count. (Ha!) Wentz is of course the bassist for Fall Out Boy, which is often referred to as an emo band seemingly because he (and he alone in the band) wears eyeliner (even though FOB sounds suspiciously like straight-ahead pop rock). Wentz does a lot of the pretentious songwriting, pretends to contribute on vocals, and is an astonishingly mediocre bass player. But his exploits don’t stop there. He married Ashlee Simpson. He thinks the Earth has only five continents. He’s posted pictures of his dick online. I’ve read two (2) interviews with him, in which he’s compared himself and his band/friends to characters from The Goonies and The Wizard of Oz.

That’s right: Wentz is completely ridiculous in every fashion, and is only respected/admired by stupid teenage white girls (who adore him). I’d make him a 2-1 in Vegas of being convicted of statutory rape by the end of the calendar year.

So, what’s not to like? What more can he do, people? Do you want your rock stars to be normal self-loathing miserable bastards like yourselves? Pete Wentz does you a favor: he gives you a justifiable target for your resentment, perhaps more so than any musician ever has.

And it makes him a Great Human.

1) The Stanford Tree

This is a no-brainer. The tree is the only good thing about the only elitist university in California; it has thrown a beach party in economics class (Will Rothacker), has been arrested for drunkenness during a basketball game (Erin Lashnits; her blood alcohol level was actually twice the legal limit for drunk driving), has been ejected from a NCAA Tournament game for dancing too much (Tommy Leep), has been shot (Chuck Armstrong), has been set on fire (identity unverified), and has even done an interview with Playboy detailing tree-love exploits (identity also unverified).

And the astounding thing is, these are the only tree achievements that I could fully document online. The legend is even greater, and I’d get started on it, but I wouldn’t know where to stop. Just remember that the Stanford Tree brings irreverence to one of the places on this planet most in need of it; that basically means whoever is the Stanford Tree at any moment is the single greatest human there is.

Q.E.D.