McBane here.
You ever read a post of Raptor’s and wonder: what the fuck is he talking about? Is he illiterate? Dyslexic? Mentally retarded? Some combo of the above? Or is he simply stupid?
Forget all that. Trying to figure it out will just make your head hurt. Let’s instead get to the first point of this rock-off: I win. That’s right, Raptor violated one of the rules of the rock-off (read the article) by making John Bonham a drummer for one of his groups. An explanation for those of you who don’t understand music: Bonzo is better than every other drummer. Ever. If drumming was the universe, John Bonham would be God. This isn’t just me pretending like I know it all. This is an honest fact.
No really, it’s a fact. Don’t believe me? You can check any list of the greatest drummers anywhere (and it must be a “list” where the listmaker knows multiple drummers, not the ravings of some dipshit Canadian saying that Neil Peart from Rush is fucking awesome…[which he is…but not compared to Bonham]). If the listmaker is a cock he might slide Bonham in at two to try and put a drummer of a band he likes first, but no matter what Bonham IS ALWAYS IN THE TOP TWO.
Always.
And Raptor is a fucking cheater for using him.
That said, let’s coast to victory.
5) “Cunt Bomb”
Genre – Feminist Agitpop-Grunge
Vocals - Shirley Manson - Garbage
Guitar - Kurt Cobain - Nirvana
Bass - Kim Deal - Pixies
Drums - Demetra Plakas – L7
Wild Card - Corin Tucker – Sleater-Kinney
Before we go any further, let’s remember the point here is to create a good sound. Raptor seems very proud of himself in putting a band together filled with suicide victims, but I think both you and I know how stupid that band would be. I mean hey, it’s great that Sid Vicious killed himself, but the man never knew how to play bass, and he certainly didn’t do melancholy.
So if you do a gimmick band like this, you gotta do it right. And what do we have here? A fem-fuck-you grunge band with a Scottish chick fronting it. Cobain gets his dream of playing with all women and perhaps becomes even more prolific. Powerful feminist overtones but still cool anyway. Great cross-demographic appeal.
That's how you do it, Raptor.
4) “Mayhem's Mistress”
Genre – Ballad Metal
Vocals - Christina Aguilera
Guitar - Slash – Guns N’ Roses
Bass - Cliff Burton - Metallica
Drums - Dave Grohl - Nirvana
Wild Card - Keith Emerson – Emerson,
Even I have to admit some ’80 metal was borderline captivating. This would essentially be a band defined by ’80s metal ballads that would actually rock. I'd look forward to every new release; and hey, if this band can make a believer out of me, it’s obviously pretty goddamn good.
3) “Haywire Deluxe”
Genre – Undefinable Kickass Clusterfuck
Vocals - Bjork
Guitar - Tom Morello – Rage Against the Machine
Bass - Les Claypool - Primus
Drums - Carl Palmer – Emerson,
Wild Card - Jonny
Wow. I want to hear this one RIGHT NOW. These are the five artists that come to mind when I think what it would be like to hear a song played inside-out. Innovative, creative bastards abound on this list, and they’re all open-minded enough to attempt playing with anyone. Would be a captivating band even if terrible.
2) “Checkmate”
Genre – Arena Rock
Vocals - Bono – U2
Guitar - Jimmy Page – Led Zeppelin
Bass - Jack Bruce - Cream
Drums - Keith Moon – The Who
Wild Card - David Bowie
Just a fantastic fucking band all the way around that would absolutely rock your ass off.
1) “Juggernaut”
Genre – Awesome Fucking Rock
Vocals - Robert Plant – Led Zeppelin
Guitar - Santana
Bass - John Entwhistle – The Who
Drums - Ringo Starr – The Beatles
Wild Card - Jack White – The White Stripes
Four of the most gifted rockers that there have ever been, coupled with a man that understands better than anyone how to chill out and just keep the beat. The way rock should be: killer intros, outros, and solos from three try-anything guitarists with a proven ability to play alongside anyone, with the best singer in the history of rock thrown in for good measure. (Plus if the guitarists ever get bored, it should be noted that Ringo’s drum fills are pretty underrated.) What more could you want from a band? Nothing! Ha ha! Woo-hahaHAHAHA!!!
(Ladies and gentlemen, your rock off champion…McBane!)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment