Top 5 Top 5s

McBane here. Some Top 5s are so much fun that you legally can’t do them by yourself. You can only come up with them as part of a group, with alcohol.

5) Top 5 Ways to Kill Everyone on Earth

We’ve all had our bad days. Even Kimbo Slice. And we all know that on those days, sometimes our plan for humanity’s extinction still isn’t quite sinister enough to bring a smile to our face.

Luckily, other people think about this too. That’s why God invented drinking buddies.

4) Top 5 Lies You’ve Gotten Away With

This one will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS surprise you. I give you my personal fucking guarantee. Ideally, the best way to determine which lies are tops in your group is to bring a stopwatch and to mark off the length of awkward silence after each uncomfortable revelation. Since this can’t always be done, counting how many people at nearby tables discreetly flee the bar shortly afterward may be used as an alternative.

3) Top 5 Stupid and/or Dangerous Things You’ve Done

Like number four, but much funnier.

2) Top 5 Things About the Opposite Sex That Need to be Changed

Only to be used in mixed company, of course. Especially fun because there’s a) a good possibility of drawing strangers into the conflict, b) a reasonable likelihood that everyone will come out of it royally pissed off (especially the women), and c) an almost certain chance that at least two (2) people in your group will be the target of over-the-line retaliatory put-downs (usually the men, by the women, probably regarding fuckability).

What more could you ask for out of basic barroom banter?

1) Top 5 Fake Recognitions

You need at least five (5) people for this one. Everyone takes a turn. Essentially, you just go up to someone you don’t know and pretend you know them. Possible opening salvos: “Hey, I haven’t seen you since high school!” “Gee, I only seem to run into you when you’re drunk!” “Wow, you have really put on weight!”

Judging is ultimately subjective, but relative absurdity of fake acquaintanceship, level of synthetic recognition by stranger, and an expressed desire by stranger to get together again should all of course be weighted heavily.

Just be sure not to do anything that would make you feel ashamed later. (That’s right, cowboy - winner deserves to drink for free and you know it.)