Top 5 Superpowers of God

There are so many superhero movies out there nowadays it’s hard to keep track. But we shouldn’t forget about the best superhero of all. God!

5) He Kills Everything

You think you’re a badass? Guess what? I guarantee you wouldn’t take a fight to the death against God, even if I offered you a billion dollars if you won. Pretty amazing how quickly you would pussy out, especially considering that God’s going to stick it to you in the end anyway.

I (obviously) can’t speak for all the cosmos. But at least here on Earth, out of all the people and creatures that have ever lived, no one has ever had the balls to look God in the eye and say, “I can stop you.”

4) He Makes Stupid People Understand Him Best

This is a neat trick. People who have no higher-level intellectual reasoning capability suddenly become Stephen Hawking when it comes to God. They (and only they) understand every bullshit context of every bullshit quote in every bullshit religious document. Somehow, all the intelligent people sit on the sidelines, baffled.

I’d try harder to understand this, but unfortunately I’m not stupid.

3) He Is Always Watching You

This one ain’t too shabby. It’s like infinite x-ray vision I guess. And who doesn’t want to go through life with the weight of an omnipresent being always looking over their fucking shoulder?

2) He Created Himself

Legitimately awesomely cool, to the point where I can’t really get my head around it. Why is there something instead of nothing? Makes no fucking sense. I look forward to finding out how this one works.

Of course, what if God was created by some other entities, who are themselves now dead? What if God is Himself dead? That would be kind of a bummer, wouldn’t it?

Guh.

1) He Always Disappears Whenever You Need Him

This reminds me of Joseph Heller’s book Catch-22, where the commanding major would only let men in to see him after he had left his office.

We have an even bigger beef than those soldiers: God created us (be it directly or indirectly). Yet we can never pick up the red phone when the chips are down. More than that, we can never even put a complaint or compliment in His suggestion box. We can’t even just have a simple word with Him to see if maybe we can get an explanation on why some of His holy shit stinks so bad? I mean, who knows? Maybe God thinks He’s doing a perfect job. Maybe God thinks we like things like suffering, and cancer, and rape, and torture, and famine, and human trafficking, and Dick Cheney. But there’s no way we can tip him off that so much of His creation is fucked.

Oh, well. I guess that’s all a small price to pay for knowing He has such cool powers.

Woohoo God!