Top 5 Things I Would Push Through Congress If elected President.

Raptor here America, pressing, pleading, and pandering for your vote.

As you know it’s an election year and with it comes more unfulfilled campaign promises. My fellow Americans I promise you if you vote for me I won’t waste my time pushing things that will get bogged down in committee like universal healthcare or Social Security reform. No we are all busy people and tired of seeing the house bicker about such things when we all know there is no good way to do any of that shit. There isn’t. You may think you have a good idea of how to do it, but it won’t work I guarantee you. But I digress.

No America, I’d work on problems that I think can indeed be fixed.

5. Teepees for the Homeless

I can’t take credit for this idea. Austin’s resident vagrant cross-dressing mayoral candidate, Leslie Cochran came up with it. Sure it seems outlandish. But really it seems totally humane to give a helping hand to those less fortunate. Plus it helps hide the eyesores that are homeless corpses when that next cold snap hits.

4. The Right to Own Midgets as Pets

Maybe I’ve been watching Willy Wonka too much the past couple days, but I see no downside to this. Everyone wants a monkey butler, but everyone’s afraid to make the next logical step. Damn it, the white house needs cleaning and only a small person with green hair and orange painted skin can get this job done.

3. The Right to Kill One Person Every 4 Years No Questions Asked-

I know, I know, pipe dream about it making the world a kinder gentler place. But wouldn’t you think twice about cutting me off without a blinker you asshole in the oversized yellow SUV if you knew there was a chance that you could pay for such gross misconduct with your life? And why does a fat fuck like you have a bike rack, when it’s obvious you start breathing heavy from the walk from your front door to your car?

Naturally there are certain rules and restrictions. You only get one. You go over your limit it’s the big house for a good long time. Elected officials, foreign diplomats, and law enforcement are all exempt to prevent the ensuing anarchy. If you wanted to kill me for my reign of terror you’d have to wait until I was unelected.

2. The Legalization of Recreational Drugs

Look, our legal system is way too tied up with druggies. I’d open up the medicine cabinet and tax the fuck out of it. All joints, crack balloons, and syringes would have this printed on it.

Surgeon General’s Warning: This shit will fuck you up.

Which brings me to…

1. The Stripping of the Right to Sue Drug Companies Over Said Recreational Drugs

Inevitably there would be some sort of legal backlash over the fact that yes these drugs do considerable damage when abused. The precedent has already been set with the tobacco companies. That’s why I’d offer immunity to the companies who provide them. Look I know corporations are huge a-holes looking to make money, but they offered you a service and you gladly took them up for a momentary high. You knew the consequences going into this and you did it anyway. Take some personal responsibility for once.