Top 5 Places to Land if You Fall From an Airplane

McBane here again, with the info that you need to know as you hurtle toward your certain death at terminal velocity.

5) A Haunted House

To me, this is just a good clean fun way to die with the added benefit that you don’t have to feel bad about you’re doing. People would like it! Plus your ghost could haunt the place forever, if the place isn’t haunted already. That would be kind of cool. Plus if it IS haunted you could pick up tips from the other ghosts.

4) Raptor’s Toilet

Might be gross. But I’ve given you all these free Top 5s. So do this for me. Why? Because he’d die of fecal poisoning. The man is a shit factory. His gas has stopped traffic. His emissions are unbearably salty and gassy and will immediately increase the humidity in the room by nine percent. He can bury a deep compression fart in a couch that only comes out when you crash on it years later and turn over wrong in the middle of the night. Not having his toilet available would mean he’d be dead within a day, either from intestinal explosion or from the stench in his room (which he would use as an alternative).

Plus the fumes from Raptor’s toilet might knock you out before you hit the ground. Always a good thing.

3) Another Airplane

I just thought of this one. It’s probably a good idea. It might be a short enough fall where you could possibly survive and latch on to the other plane. Of course, it could also be too far of a fall and you could become a human projectile. Then you’d die as a terrorist and no one wants that. (Well. Not me or anyone reading this blog.) So use this one judiciously.

2) Rush Limbaugh

So inflated by his own hot air that the cushion might actually be thick enough to possibly save you.

1) The Altar of Your Ex’s Second Wedding

This would be great. First of all, it’s a pretty bad omen. It would cast a dark, dark cloud over your ex’s future marriage. Plus the splatter would annihilate all the wedding dresses, and would look pretty terrible on videotape. This would not only mean your ex could never pull out anything to make him or her enjoy their wedding again, but that they would be an unhappy YouTube legend and people would stop to make fun of them in the street.

Now is this petty? Well, yeah.

But hey, if you don’t want to die being petty, you need to seriously reexamine your beliefs.