Top 5 Crushed Dreams of Young Raptor (circa 1985)

Raptor here, wistfully remembering the Cold War.

Oh younger self, there are so many things I would love to tell you. You’re so young and full of hope, and life really hasn’t yet turned you into the cynical asshole that is me.

5. Turn your wagon into a glider-

Not gonna happen little guy. I know it says Radio FLYER on the side. I know we sat there and watched all those 3-2-1 Contact episodes with the guy who turned his bike into an ultralight glider. But you lack the technical know how to make this happen. And by the time you gain enough knowledge of things like drag, lift, and wind sheer, you’re going to be way too big for that thing.

You will however wind up in a ditch amongst mangled bits of metal and cardboard. So you got that to look forward to.

4. Marry Your Kindergarten Sweetheart

Hate to break it to you little scamp, but that girl you’re engaged to isn’t always going to be with you like she says. I know sneaking off and holding hands by the monkey bars is fun, but both sets of your parents are in the military it’s only a matter of time before one of you moves away. Sure you’ll send crayon coloured love notes for the first couple years through 2nd grade, but eventually those love notes stop coming.

And try not to cry this time when you Google her 16 years later and find out she’s cheating on you by getting married and having 2 kids.

3. Discover a New Dinosaur Species

Little Raptor, I know you’re sitting around reading all your dinosaur books, studying them intently for your future career. I know it’s important enough to you that you learned the title of your future position, paleontologist, and the latin roots forming said word. But there will be a period of time when dinosaurs aren’t the coolest thing in the world to you. And those 4 years will unfortunately coincide with your time at college.

2. Watch George Brett Win Another World Series-

Victory is sweet isn’t it young Padawan. Watching the Blue Jays melt down in game 7 is going to be a highlight from your sports fan existence. But don’t get too used to it. They will never make another playoffs, probably ever. Georgie Boy isn’t a boy anymore and Saberhagen’s going to lose his control. Oh and this year you’ll draft perhaps the greatest physical specimen of all time in Bo Jackson, but he also turns out to be one of the biggest cock teases of all time (Another phenomena you have to look forward to, but we’ll save that for another day).

Then comes the era of big money, and Tiny KC won’t be able to keep up. You’ll eventually tire of the craptitude of baseball’s non-salary regulation, trying to ignore baseball in general, until eventually just perk your ears and shake your head in shame when you hear things like, “The Royals big move for the summer? Gil Meche.”

1. Learn Karate From Mr. Miyagi

This one is going to take multiple fights to figure out, but doing your chores in repetitive motions just makes you sore, it doesn’t help you protect yourself. And the crane kick? It will totally betray you if your enemy can move laterally.