Top 5 Unanswered Questions of Our Time

Raptor here, back from an extended LSAT study break.

The world is full of mysteries. What are UFOs? What ever happened to that chick who learned to fly? Why are panda's cute? Who ate the last of the nachos when I very clearly wrote my name on the container?

But if I were to narrow it down to 5 questions that I want answers to these would be them.

5. How did Don Knott’s win the Death Pool against John Ritter?

Did anyone see this coming? Don Knott’s never looked like the bastion of good health. I half expected him to keel over at any time when he was in the Incredible Mr. Limpett.

4. Is It Better to Align Myself with the candidate supported by the KKK or the candidate supported by 98% of Dane Cook fans?

Really, it’s hard to determine which is/will be the most detrimental force in society. Both are groups formed from great ignorance. Both groups are such that any association will kill your rep in even the politest of company. I have a feeling that ultimately, the Dane Cook fans will rain down more damage on this country due to there total lack of marketable skills and incompetence.

Either way, I’ve only got 27 days to decide.

3. When will Disney mellow their harsh and release Song of the South?

Come on Disney, I know you have a slave who enjoys being a slave in this movie, but what about cutting out the crappy live action parts and giving us the Bre’r Rabbit cartoons. Oh and maybe keep Uncle Remus singing that classy little ditty, Zippidy Doo Da!

They’ve released plenty of other horribly insulting movies, from DW Griffith’s Birth of a Nation, The Jazz Singer. Give me my animated birds on my goddamn shoulder!

2. How good will Colt McCoy be when he finally hits puberty?

I won’t lie, I have a minor man crush on Colt McCoy, (it’s man love. It’s not gay. I just want to wear his skin and be him…) but anytime he’s giving interviews I expect his voice to crack like the nerdy teenager on the Simpson’s. He’s got such a boyish face/demeanor. I know he hit the weight’s this past summer and it shows, but one day he’s gonna get his growth spurt, then watch out world!

1.Whatever happened to Tina Pinciotti?

Every generation has a missing sibling mystery. There was the Amber Alert for Chuck Cunningham in Happy Day’s. Judy Winslow went upstairs and never returned (more alarming was Carl Winslow’s, a police officer, lack of concern). There was also the case of Marissa’s younger sister, Caitlyn, on the OC, but that was eventually remedied by having her return from boarding school somewhere in season 3. But none of these mysteries intrigue me as much as the whole Tina Pinciotti incident.

Why?

For starters, the rest of the characters where all established in the pilots. Tina came along 6 episodes into the run of the show. Had it happened the other way around it would be completely understandable. Characters are cut from pilots all the time. But if you introduce a family member further into the run of the show you expect them to hang around for a few episodes or at least have some sort of explanation of there disappearance (boarding school for Caitlyn, porn for Judy, and for god sakes someone put out an APB for Chuck please!). Was there going to be a story arc there? Did the very act of Fex hitting on her cause her to disappear? Was she abducted by aliens?

The best theory I have is she, Judy, and Chuck were all taken by the aliens in the Forgotten.