Now, pulling for the U.S. in CONCACAF; you’ve got that down, I’m sure. But who should you cheer for in the other regions? Let’s stay away from the obvious guys: you need dark horses (no one likes a front-runner. Oh, and you’re allowed to cheer for two teams from UEFA, since they get 13 spots.)
5) UEFA (Europe) - Israel
Israel generally annoys me. This is a sensitive subject though, so I should preface it: the Jews survived the Holocaust, America stepped in, and we liberated them and gave them a state. Fantastic. Well-deserved. One of the finest moments in our history or theirs.
But we gave in and gave them a state right where the worst possible place to put it is. If we had given them a state in north Africa, and then they wanted to go back in and take Jerusalem that would be their problem; not ours. Yet, our problems and theirs are instead often inexorably linked. Now, we pump aid into Israel like it’s going out of style. They’re consistently the largest recipient of U.S. aid, and they necessitate the need for the U.S. to give tons of aid to countries like Egypt (that’s right; you can bet your bottom dollar if we didn’t send aid to Israel, we wouldn’t need to send any to pacify any other Middle Eastern countries.
So Israel is expensive. Also, this whole allied-forever thing with Israel is a bit burdensome. Do we really have to back Israel up if they decide to nuke Iran? Do we have to get in a war when they do? I mean, let’s get one thing clear, folks. Israel does pretty well for itself financially. Their military and intelligence agencies are truly frightening. They’ve pretty much destroyed and crushed the entire Palestinian population. If Israel wanted to wipe the rest of the Middle East off the map, there is no doubt in my mind they could do it. Yet the Middle East sees us as in bed with Israel on a lot of stuff, and that‘s kind of a bummer. Makes our lives harder, that’s for sure.
But I cheer for their soccer team for pure entertainment value. Because of regional animosity, they play in UEFA instead of the AFC. Gentle reader, if you think an Iran-U.S. soccer matchup was testy, just wait until you catch Israel-Iran at the World Cup. Or Israel-Egypt. Or Israel-Saudi Arabia.
I’m excited already.
4) CONMEBOL (South America) - Uruguay
Brazil, Italy, Germany, Argentina, France, England and…Uruguay. What do all these world powers have in common? They’re the only seven teams to have ever won a world cup. (“Only seven?” you may be asking. “Seriously? Ever?” Yup. Only seven.)
When you see Uruguay play, you think one thing: jerks. But if you were to think something else, you might think: pride. This isn’t a side that’s just happy to be there, folks. It’s a proud nation of tough footballers who are haunted by a burden of history that they can no longer realistically hope to carry.
So at first glance, it may seem like Uruguay is a dirty team. But the truth is, they play at near-maximum levels of frustration and desperation, all wrapped in a thick underdog tribalism; if the U.S. had a world cup of the major cities, Uruguay would be the equivalent to Philadelphia, I suppose. They were once on top of the world, and they know the world has caught up and surpassed them, and they‘ll never be more than just another place on the map. But they’ll always know that Uruguay used to be something more, if maybe because they just won’t let themselves forget:
Two-time world champions. (That’s the actual “world,” as opposed to U.S. “world” champions of our domestic sports.)
3) AFC (Asia) - Uzbekistan
The Uzbekis are a pretty shady group of people, but then again the “Stans” have historically been underrepresented in the World Cup, and Uzbekistan is the only one left.
Why Uzbekistan? Well, there’s not a lot of dark horses in this region, and North Korea and Iran are hard to get behind. And who gives a shit about Qatar? I’ll admit, the only things I know about Uzbekistan came from the (largely) uninformative report of a girl I went to grad school with; she was tall, blonde, dumber than a bag of hammers, read the Drudge Report like it was the Bible, thought Eddie Sutton was a great human, had the most amazing skeletal structure I’ve ever seen, and was unfailingly polite on the rare occasions she was forced to interact with me. (I don’t think I‘ve ever held such a nice person in contempt before or since.)
Anyway, she thought Uzbekistan was the land of the scumbags, so I figure they can’t be all bad.
Let’s move on.
2) CAF (Africa) - Rwanda / Sudan (tie)
Africa has some pretty neat countries. Ghana’s squad is called “The Black Stars,” and has a bunch of physical, intimidating players on their team, none of which are Fred Williamson.
No, you tell "The Hammer" that 60% of Playgirl readers are gay.
(The players are not movie stars; they’re called this because their star has a black flag.) The Ivory Coast has the best name of any country ever (named not for beautiful, glistening beaches, but for beautiful, glistening dead elephant tusks). Cameroon’s unis all come from David Bowie’s closet and could potentially give seizures to an epileptic. Senegal once had a player called Papa Bouba Diop. (Pronounced Papa Booba-dop.) All very cool.
You do not need to adjust your monitors to view Cameroon's uniforms properly. However, you may need to bite down on a wooden spoon when they congregate.
But both Rwanda and the Sudan have legacies of horrible genocide in which the U.S. has refused to intervene; the least we can do is cheer for their soccer teams. (Pick whichever country you thought had the most horrific atrocities.)
1) UEFA (Europe) - France
France? A dark horse? Qua? They won in ‘98, and were runner-up in 2006, you may say. Well, obviously you’re forgetting the French motto, liberté, égalité, fraternité, which translated means “capitulate at the first sign of adversity.” Yes, France is already way behind in their qualifying group, and has some serious catching-up to do.
Not surprising, since France is full of wankers (or so the Brits tell me). I, like the British, hate the French. They‘re insufferably arrogant, they’re hypocrites in all facets of their lives, they live on style instead of substance, and they think they’re the best at everything.
We Americans, by contrast, are insufferably arrogant, we’re hypocrites in all facets of our lives, we live on style instead of substance, and we generally are the best at everything (except soccer).
Basically, France is like our bratty kid sister, but with huge fucking stones.
I hate the French.
But goddammit, I respect them.
Wankers.
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