Top 5 College Coaches

Raptor here neglecting his duties.

Today’s task: deciding who amongst all the rabble is the best of the best in getting there teams to ready to play on Saturday. College coaching requires a lot of different skills. You’ve got to be a good recruiter, be a father figure, be a motivator, be a strategery artist, and probably most of all you gotta know how to do all of that and appease the alumni.

How do you rank something that had so many intangibles? You could come up with some sort of advanced metric system. You could add up the wins and losses of the past five years. Or you could just shut the hell up and accept this list as the fact it is. It’s science.

5. Nick Saban
Saban would totally be higher if he wasn’t such a dick. He’s won national championships, is a great recruiter, and always has his teams ready to play. Unfortunately, he’s a fucking liar who won’t be around for the hard times. He’s the coaching equivalent of the hot bad boy every girl wants to change. Sure he may show you some new moves in the sack, but he’s gonna leave you for the next hot thing that comes along. And he gave you herpes.


4. Urban Meyer

That being said. There’s nothing wrong with trading up. We all want to move up in life and probably would take more money to go elsewhere if it’s offered to us. Just be up front about it. Urban Meyer is a pretty bad ass coach, I have to say. It takes a lot for me to say that because I hate the SEC with a passion. Football fan Prima donnas.

But his teams are super competitive each year. He hounds recruits into submission with his text messaging. I really have nothing bad to say about the man except he looks like he’s squinting all the fucking time. This coming from a half Asian.

3. Jim Tressel

Yea I know the Sweater Vest has lost the past 2 title games. But it takes a lot to get to those title games. And it’s not like he hasn’t gotten a team to win the champeenship. Sure he’s an ardent conservative in this increasingly liberal football world. But he keeps on chugging away like the goddamn little engine that could, chipping away at the field 3.333 (repeating of course) yards at a time. And you know what? That’ll get you where you want to go more often than not.

2. Mack Brown

Is there a level of bias that got Mack Brown to this spot? Absolutely. Will I back down from my stance? Not even if the devil had a hold of my balls. Since Getting to Austin He’s brought us handfuls of great recruiting classes, found the diamond in the rough that was Colt McCoy, and has never had less than 9 wins in a season. That’s quite an accomplishment in a rough and tumble conference like the big 12. He’s the model of consistency. To top it all off he has perhaps the most calming voice ever. If ever a family tragedy occurred, I’d want him to break the news to me. I could hear it now:

“Raptor, son, I’ve got some bad news. You’re entire family was killed in a horrible car accident involving a yugo and a gasoline truck. Times might seem rough now, but it’s our job to work through this. Come early, Be loud, Wear Orange.”

sniff

1. Mike Leach

He might not have the championship pedigree the other coaches on the list have, but Mike Leach is all sorts of awesome. To wit:

• He’s started Mike’s Pirate school.
• He’s mocked the fake army of A&M (finally a coach who had the balls to).
• He’s awesomely weird and completely unflappable.
• He’s breathed life into a football program no one outside of Lubbock knew existed til he got there.
• He’s an incredible offensive innovator. For a long time people thought that his offense was nothing but trickery and scheming. But the years have rolled by and no ones really been able to stop it. In fact the opposite is happening. Everyone else is slowly but surely adopting his offense little bits at a time.
• Most of all he wins with what he’s got. He might not have the resources of the UTs or Floridas of the world, but he’s come up with a game plan that maximizes his chances of winning. To many coaches coach not to lose. Mike coaches to win.
  

How good is he? As an OC for Kentucky, he made Tim Couch into a#1 pick. That my friends is a monument in coaching.