Top 5 Unacceptable Reasons to Bother Me During the Longhorn Game

Raptor here fulfilling my moral obligation bring sexy back.

I know I’ve dispensed a lot of advice in this blog. But heed this more than anything:

When I am sitting down to watch the Horns on Saturday, don’t think you can break my attention away from the game. Attempt to pull me away from the TV and the consequences will be swift and severe.

The following are merely the top 5 of the nearly infinite supply of reasons to bother me, that while you may think they are important enough to annoy me with your presence, you are horribly wrong.

5. There's a Terrorist Attack Downtown

You know what happens if I stop watching football? The terrorists win.

4.Telling Me About Your Day-

I’m sure you think that the meaningless trifle you do in between your interactions with me are both important and interesting. You couldn’t be more wrong.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that when you leave the room you cease to exist since I can’t see you anymore. So anything that happens when you enter this nebulous black hole of existence is either a) a blatant lie created by a collective subconscious, or b) something that happened in another dimension of the polyverse.

Either way, I don’t care.

3. Getting Married

Ok. Really. Who’s the inconsiderate one? Me for drunkenly grabbing your maid of honor’s ass as she marches down the aisle or you for not thinking about the rest of us and having your nuptials during FOOTBALL season? You’re setting yourself up for years of disappointment, starting from the wedding night when you realize how flat in the front a man who allows his bride such a scheduling error is.

I’ve expressed my feelings adequately in the your card which contains a picture of my middle finger and a $50 dollar gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond.


2. A Death in the Family

Ok I concede this one is kind of big and you can tell me…

…at halftime.

1.Sex

Look don’t think I’ll be distracted by your seductive womanly ways. I’m channeling all my positive energy to Austin.

That’s not to say I won’t be putting it to you. I’ll just be making eye contact with and dreaming of one Colt McCoy.