Raptor here.
OK I apologize for the hiatus. Much like that Joanie Mitchell song, you didn't know what you got til it was gone. But I'm back (unlike your deadbeat father who's still nailing that trailer park hooker), and, now as before, I'm here to give you the education the public school system denied you.
Today's lesson:
Top 5 Phobias Of Raptor
OK I apologize for the hiatus. Much like that Joanie Mitchell song, you didn't know what you got til it was gone. But I'm back (unlike your deadbeat father who's still nailing that trailer park hooker), and, now as before, I'm here to give you the education the public school system denied you.
Today's lesson:
Top 5 Phobias Of Raptor
That's right class, because I've been away so long, I'm will to impart upon you some of the secrets to defeating me. A list of fears if used correctly could possibly give you a momentary upper hand in our future battles. Maybe in the .01 seconds between the time the fear shows itself, and the time my hatred for you over comes said fear and I bash your head in with a solid dragon punch, you will be able to get a shiv into my side.
5. The Large Hadron Collider
Why it freaks me out:
Because it can end the world in a variety of different ways, be it creating mini black holes, strange matter, or opening wormholes. It's statistically improbable, but not statistically impossible.
Why it won't benefit you:
You will find it impossible to lure me to within 25 miles of this thing. If I enter said vicinity I'm already dead.
4. That Stephen Tyler and Julia Roberts Will Fall In Love and Have Children
Why it freaks me out:
Tyler and Roberts have perhaps two of the largest mouths in the business. This child will literally be able to swallow it's own head, a la Pacman. The implications of this are staggering. The world will collapse upon that spot or at the very least anyone witnessing this event will go completely insane from the horror of it all.
Why it won't benefit you:
In this age of tabloids I'll have a huge heads up on such an unholy union and once thusly alerted will arm myself with a plane ticket to LA and metal hangers.
Why it freaks me out:
Tyler and Roberts have perhaps two of the largest mouths in the business. This child will literally be able to swallow it's own head, a la Pacman. The implications of this are staggering. The world will collapse upon that spot or at the very least anyone witnessing this event will go completely insane from the horror of it all.
Why it won't benefit you:
In this age of tabloids I'll have a huge heads up on such an unholy union and once thusly alerted will arm myself with a plane ticket to LA and metal hangers.
3. Spiders
Why they freak me out:
Why do I fear spiders? Because one almost killed me. I got a pretty wicked staph infection from a spiderbite.
Why it won't benefit you:
Because um... Spiders never bite twice?... yea..something like that
2. Zombies
Why they freak me out:
Something about, you know, their being undead coupled with their hunger for human flesh. The zombie apocalypse is inevitable people! Always be aware. Again I promise to do anything in my power to prevent you from becoming a zombie (except McBane), but the second you're bitten, you're dead to me. (Although, I do have many questions about zombies. They seem to bite both to eat and reproduce. How do they decide which when approaching a crowd of people? Do Zombies have emotions? Do they retain any memories of there past existance?)
Why it won't benefit you:
You might think I'd say that Zombies don't exist in this section, which is only partially true. Zombie's don't exist YET. No the reason that this won't benefit you is you cannot train a zombie.
1. Zombie Spiders
Why they freak me out:
It's a motherfucking zombie spider.
Why it won't benefit you:
It's a motherfucking zombie spider.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment