Top 5 Times When White People Can Say "Nigger"

McBane here. Who put that slur in my title?

Growing up, I used to think “fuck” was the worst word one could utter. I thought this because it was the word people always said when they were the most insanely pissed, and they always apologized afterward. It took a while for me to learn about this other word, and I was taken aback. Discovering racism is definitely one of the most disillusioning things about growing up (though I’ll be honest - absolutely nothing beat the shock value of finding out there was no Santa Claus).

I started thinking more about this word again a while back, when I heard about the big fight on The View. I expected that Whoopi Goldberg had taken a scorched-earth, scorched-eyebrow approach toward never saying the word; though I was prepared to disagree, I was at least ready to defend her for making Elizabeth Hasselbeck cry, because Hasselbeck is 1) a ditzy neo-con, 2) someone who got famous simply for being cute while losing on a reality show, and 3) rich from marrying an NFL quarterback who‘s never played a down of meaningful football. (Goldberg, conversely, had to change her name to “Whoopi Goldberg,” date Ted Danson for a long time, work hard building a career as an excellent character actor and a stunningly mediocre comedian/comedic actor, and convert to Judaism [this is speculative]. Oh, and she’s black.)

I’m still ready to defend her for making Hasselbeck cry, but then I found out Goldberg was in favor of using the term as a form of empowering black people by taking the word from racists, and that Hasselbeck thought it shouldn‘t be used under any circumstances.

Back to square one.

I mean look, I’ve heard Goldberg’s argument many times before, and it makes sense, I suppose…for black people. But I’m not black, and you aren’t either. And it’s really none of our business whether black people use it or not. All we want to know is: what about us, white people (and Asians and Jews and Hispanics and blah blah blah)? When do we use it? I think Hasselbeck just wants to get the word out of the way, and I understand; I can never really find any percentage in using it.

Chris Rock discussed this recently in his comedy special (in a manner of speaking); he posited whether it was ever okay for white people to use the n-word. His answer, ultimately, was “not really.” (This is good advice.)

But I also hate the idea that some words shouldn’t be said. No one hated this idea more than George Carlin, and I once saw him launch into an elaborate, 20-minute joke with the n-word as a punch line to prove it. Logically it was well done, but I still kind of felt the sensation of playing leapfrog and having him fart in my face on the way past.

Now banning words is, of course, a terrible idea and I won‘t pretend otherwise. Legally, you can say the word; that won’t change, and it shouldn’t. (It is, after all, more important to protect the rights of people you disagree with than the people you do agree with. Protection of minority rights is what keeps democracies from dissolving. This is why we have the ACLU; what a lot of people don‘t understand is they hate the bastards they represent as much as everybody else. But I digress.)

I think the real question is this: is it ever socially acceptable for a white person to use the word, especially around black people?

The answer is yes. I won’t give you all the acceptable places (this is a free blog, after all). But I’ll give you the best ones.

5) A Quote

Again, context is everything. If you’re doing it to drive home a point about how racist someone is, that’s okay. If you use it because you want to get to say the word around black people without getting in trouble, it leaves you on shaky ground at best. Some situations fall in-between, such as a line in Dynamite Hack’s cover of Easy-E’s Boyz N’ tha Hood. (The answer in this case is: Acceptable. When in doubt convene a panel of at least nine people, the majority of them black, and ask for a ruling. It’s probably a good idea to keep some record of the ruling to protect yourself, again a good suggestion gleaned from Mr. Rock.)

4) A Dude Disguised as a Dude Playing Another Dude

Although Robert Downey, Jr. never used this word in Tropic Thunder (though he did slap another cast member who said it and then quoted “The Jeffersons” theme song to said cast member), it would have been acceptable if he had one strange line where he did say the line, and then have everyone on the set applaud him as a hero [as part of the movie]). Why? Because the satire in this case was that he was playing an actor who was playing a black man (he was not in blackface, and yes, there is a big difference). The social commentary in the movie is that Hollywood is self-important and out of touch with what constitutes responsible and realistic acting, and him dropping the line like he was a winner for doing it would have made sense as part of the satire.

Yes, satire is dangerous and risky, but it is also important and useful and generally a good idea.

Still, you had better leave it to guys like Downey, Jr.

3) Under Deep Cover in the Ku Klux Klan

If you’re an FBI agent and you’re trying to bust these guys up, you gotta slather some racism on yourself like it’s going out of style.

It’s for the greater good, folks.

2) In the Year 3000

Give your local geneticist a call: he/she will tell you that in a thousand years, due to ethnic intermingling/the ability to have sex with just about anyone (which really has only just taken off the past few decades or so and will explode sometime soon), the human race will have turned a strange shade of brown. The n-word can then be used as a historical curiosity without any rancor. (Fellas, on a related note, do you know redheads will probably be extinct in the next hundred years? Better get your hands on one while you can.)

1) In the Title of a Thoughtful Blog Post

This, of course, is completely obvious.